Partiers rig ridiculous and risky ways to drink up
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Apparently, some people enjoy getting ridiculously drunk as quickly as possible without actually drinking their beverage of choice.
Matt Riordan graduated from the University of Wisconsin – Madison in 2012 and says that alternative forms of consuming alcohol were popular on campus during the five years he spent there, particularly shotgunning beers.
"I never got it, myself, because I actually like the taste of beer," says Riordan. "But my roommate was into all sorts of weird stuff. He even drank out of his boot once. Not a glass drinking boot – his boot boot."
There are many reasons why some people choose to ingest alcohol in crazy fashions – but none of them are particularly good reasons. Some drinkers, particularly women, want to avoid the calories or don't like the taste of booze whereas others are simply into the bragging rights and bro-bonding that only develops during, say, beer bonging. (Which is often followed up with a fair share of chest bumping, mind you.)
"Call me old fashioned, but I believe that alcohol should be consumed the traditional way, either in a glass, a flask or bottle. Cups are OK, too, if you're at work and your boss is a buzzkill," says master bartender Paul Kennedy, who pours at Tonic Tavern, 2335 S. Kinnickinnic Ave.
Before disclosing the list of moronic drinking methods, we cannot stress enough that we do not recommend people try any of these – many are dangerous or even deadly. Some are just straight-up stupid. Mmmmkay?
Straws – Unless you are drinking a hard malt, and we don't think that sounds very tasty, there is no reason to ever consume an alcoholic beverage with a straw. Not even a margarita – even though it's often served with one – because drinking from a straw means wasting perfectly delicious rim salt. For shame.
Body shots – Throughout the history of mixology, no one has ever ordered fuzz in their cocktail (it's not even an ingredient in a fuzzy navel). This fact suggests that the idea of drinking tequila out of a belly button might be less than appealing, even if it's the navel of a spring breaker gone wild. Fuzz is fuzz, people.
Shotgunning – For anyone not in the know, shotgunning a beer is when you pierce a small hole in the bottom of an aluminum beer can, put your mouth to the hole, open the top and and let gravity do its thing. However, beer is way too carbonated for such douchey debauchery and extremely loud and prolonged burping is not supposed to be funny for anyone over the age of 7. Anyone over the age of 7 who still finds belching a real groin grabber should probably stick with the Sunny D to preserve their clearly lacking brain cells.
Keg stands – Doing a handstand on top of the keg while drinking as much as you can is ... actually, if you are athletically inclined enough to do an unassisted keg stand in good form chances are you aren't camped out at the keg too often. Carry on.
Jell-O shots – Jell-O is jiggly and gross with or without booze. Yes, even the lime flavor.
Tampons – Soaking a hygiene product in hootch (and then inserting it in the hoo-ha) is more than horrifying and yucky, it can lead to alcohol poisoning or death. The same goes for alcohol enemas – also known as "butt chugging" – and "eyeball chugging" that will, literally, make you blind drunk.
The fact is, anytime you bypass the digestive system, it's like taking a shortcut to your bloodstream and you get more messed up with less alcohol. Plus, if the liver doesn't filter out the worst toxins, you're more susceptible to blood-alcohol poisoning, which can kill you.
Beer bongs – Even if you're pledging a fraternity, this is ridiculously dumb. (Don't swallow a goldfish in a beer, either.) Unless you like projectile vomiting, in which case this can be a fun, new hobby that will leave you dateless – but with a cool nickname like "Tubes."
Alcohol-infused whipped cream – There are many brands of booze-infused whipped cream on the market and not one of them is actually food. Just read the ingredients. If you want to jazz up your hot drinks, how about a jigger of Bailey's in your coffee and call it a day?
Vaporizers – Although 22 states banned these devices, Wisconsin is not one of them. However, before you run out and blow your munchies budget on one, know that "alcohol smoking" can still leave you with a wicked hangover (despite what the marketing says) and has possible health and safety risks. Once again, any time alcohol bypasses the stomach and liquor, the body does not have a chance to purge excess consumption, which is potentially dangerous. In short, puking can prevent alcohol poisoning. Plus, inhaled alcohol dries out nasal passages, which can lead to infection. People, if "Boogie Nights" taught us one thing it's using nose drugs of any kind is a really bad idea.
I think I will stick with my eyedropper of everclear. Gives a whole new meaning to beer goggles.
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