shabookie101: why are you yelling...oooh Maurice God MOther or Father needs to come get him ans have him for a day...! i cant believe he is bad now.! with
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tannemarie: @YoungKillaG : im not yelling at you for asking or anything. im just saying .. iwont discuss my personal life over the internet.
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ralleuc: Spectator yelling "Get it on!" to two MMA fighters: irony or Freudian slip?
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alleviatealex: @nizamzakaria either it's a premonition or a guilt feeling haunting you
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Sometimes, mommy feels much better after blowing her stack. |
 | By Molly Snyder Edler   OnMilwaukee.com Staff Writer E-mail author | Author bio More articles by Molly Snyder Edler |
| Published May 21, 2008 at 8:35 a.m. |
|
I received an interesting e-mail today from babycenter.com about the top seven reasons why moms feel guilt. In fact, according to its survey, 94 percent of the moms polled said they feel guilt or shame over some aspect of their child raising.
Here are the top reasons why moms feel guilt, according to babycenter.com:
1. Feeding your baby formula
2. Using TV as a babysitter
3. Being environmentally unfriendly
4. Feeding your kids junk food
5. Leaving your child with another caregiver
6. Yelling at your kids
7. Not being able to afford all the extras
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17 comments about this article. Post a comment / write a review. |
Recent Talkbacks ...
Posted by mitchgat on June 3, 2008 at 1:38 p.m. (report)
Thanks MKE dad!
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Posted by Milwaukee Dad on June 2, 2008 at 9:08 a.m. (report)
Well put Mitchgat.
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Posted by mitchgat on May 30, 2008 at 11:54 a.m. (report)
MKE Dad - I'm not questioning you're parenting, nor was I implying that your style of parenting was bad. Obviously, as a parent, you should try your hardest not to scar your child. I agree with your basic point: children are special and should be cherished and loved. I have a 19 year old step daughter and I taught at the elementary level for 8 years. As a an educator, I quickly learned that there are plenty of good parents with good intentions , interested in not hurting their child's self esteem, and that's great. However, these same folks failed to realize that self respect, is not the same as self esteem, and self respect needs to be taught as well. It's really the foundation of a successful interaction with people... the golden rule in action! Holding ones' self in high regard is important, but at the same time, teaching this "esteem" for the self has created an extremely narcissistic, apathetic, "me-centric" generation of young adults. Feb 2007, a study found that college kids are much more me-centered than previous generations. Why is that? I think it's because since the early to mid 80's, the constant message is "you're special" but when they do something inappropriate, too often the consequences aren't there. I'm saying that if we're teaching children to love themselves and they're special, we must teach them to respect themselves FIRST. Unfortunately, self respect is NOT a by product of self esteem. If it was, we wouldn't see the destructive behaviors that many of our young people display... and contrary to popular belief, all these behaviors aren't some sort of psychological disorder. Sometimes, bad parents create a bad child. I believe that many parents do tell their child that they're special and unique and wonderful. The problem is, these same parents forget that a child also needs to know when they're out of line. Children need to hear "no" sometimes and they need to have set boundaries, which in turn teaches self-control, responsibility, accountability. I think the pressure NOT to discipline is at an all time high and quite frankly, many parents are scared to say anything to their own child for fear that they will be accused of abuse. Like racism and sexism, abuse is an abused word. The discussion on parenting today always boils down to discipline. Most parents hate this part of parenting but teaching and correcting your child insures they grow into a responsible adult (most of the time). Yes, I understand that there are idiot parents who do abuse their children, either physically or verbally. But assuming that any form of discipline that is outside of the currently "accepted" norms, qualifies it as abuse, is dangerous thinking. It makes it extremely difficult for good parents to apply proper discipline without it seeming like they're abusing the child. And trust me, by proper discipline I don't mean beating the child. But occasionally, raising your voice, as a parent is NOT unacceptable, when making a point is not bad, wrong or evil. And using some sort of reverse peer pressure or whatever to make someone feel guilty about it is just wrong. This is what I was speaking to in my original post. You can't teach a child to value other people if they don't understand WHY someone else, beside them, is important. You can tell a child they are special 'till the cows come home but if you fail to balance the praise with appropriate correction, they'll never understand why they should respect someone else, let alone respect themselves. The unfortunate part to all of this is that parents will continue to build self esteem, and self respect will continue to dwindle. In raising my daughter, I followed my parents advice: everything in moderation. She's turned out wonderfully, not scar-free but definitely much wiser and her self respect well in tact.
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Posted by Milwaukee Dad on May 30, 2008 at 8:00 a.m. (report)
Mitch Gat, you miss my point. I don't say that they don't need to get over things now. Of course they do. But the previous talkbacker talked about childhood issues they had to get over later thanks to parenting choices. I can certainly do my best not to scar my child emotionally now and expect him to "get over" that crap later. If you think that's bad parenting, I pity your child. I think maybe more parents should tell their kids they're special and maybe we wouldn't have the kind of violence, teen pregnancy, absentee parentism (is that a word?!) and school truancy. Maybe they'd learn to expect more from life and not drop out of it thanks to the hopelessness. Teaching a kid he's special -- like all people are -- doesn't mean spoiling him. Why not teach him he's special and so is everyone else? Why not teach him to value others and their accomplishments and to value his own?
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Posted by mitchgat on May 29, 2008 at 4:07 p.m. (report)
Wow, some really thoughtful posts here! I would agree that many parents (and not just the young parents either) forget that they are the adults. I would add that adults today simply don't want to grow up and this is obvious in the silly bickering we see on Jerry Springer to the foolish, selfish behavior of our politicians, professional athletes, teachers, preachers and actors to the 30-35 year old child still living at home... and not because of the recession either. Suggested reading: "The Sibling Society" by Robert Bly. It details how adults have been refusing to grow up for over 50 years. Anyway..... Parenting isn't rocket science, nor is it a vacation on a beautiful, sunny, warm, sandy beach. It can be extremely difficult at times but it can also be extremely rewarding if you keep it simple. Don't fall for the "latest studies" and other supposed findings, that prove "this or that" about being a good parent. Usually, 6 months down the road there's another ground breaking study to refute the previous ground breaking study. You want to know if you're a good parent? Think about this: Is your child loved, cared for, respected, cherished and corrected when appropriate? More importantly, does your child KNOW that he is loved, respected, cherished and when he's corrected (a.k.a disciplined), does he know why he's being corrected? If so, than you doing what you're supposed to do. There will be no parades, no awards banquets and probably very little kudos from anyone about your parenting. Obviously parenting, while you're doing it, can be a thankless job. But the rewards of knowing that you actually were able to successfully produce a stable, honest, functioning member of society is a HUGE reward, more important than just about anything! As far as guilt is concerned, news flash: parents are human. We make mistakes and to me, that's a good thing! I must admit that I was blessed with the worlds BEST parents but they both made their share of mistakes. As their child I learned from their shortcomings -- in fact, they often told me to "pay attention, this may be you some day." By watching them, I learned that being over protective sucks but I also learned that patience is a virtue. I didn't get everything I wanted, when I wanted it and I had to work for whatever "it" was most of the time. It seems that the bar for parenting has artificially been raised and if your child doesn't have a cell phone, or the latest fashion, a TV in their room, a computer, an iPod, and someone constantly telling them "how special they are" or "what a good job they've done", you're a bad parent. Of course you want to do the best you can for your child but sometimes in the process of trying to make sure there's "nothing for them to get over", you unintentionally create things for him to get over. A part of life is learning how to and in this case, TEACHING how to get over things. A child NEEDS to hear "no" sometimes. They need to understand that life isn't always special and sometimes, they're behaving like a jerk which makes them anything but special. As parents, as adults, we are in charge but we need to act like we're in charge. Parenting is not for those who think it's always a democracy; sometimes it has to be a benevolent dictatorship in order for children to learn the life lessons they'll need to succeed. Stop allowing guilt trips ruin the parental experience. Life is about choices. Everyone of the "guilt trips" above is a choice. Teach your child respect for themselves and others; teach them the value of life, money and nature; when appropriate, yell at them and frequently tell them that they are able to do anything she put her mind to. It's a lot easier than footin' the bill for family therapy.
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