From the talkbacks on last week's topic, it seems some guys completely understand the value of knowing what women want while some are incredibly defensive about certain deal breakers ... though it's possible this group is suddenly regretting their face tattoos.
Either way, as promised, here are the deal breakers from the men's perspective. Keep in mind that although I may have added some of my personal comments to this list, the items themselves came from the mouths of men.
No personality: Being good looking will certainly enhance your chances of being asked out. However, if there is nothing going on behind those batting eyelashes, you may find yourself alone again rather quickly. Having no personality or not being able to carry on or even participate in a conversation means you may as well be a mannequin. Jessica Simpson is really fun to look at but it's no secret that she's dumb as a box of rocks. How long can one person stand to be in a relationship with someone that doesn't know the difference between tuna and chicken? It's nice to have a good-looking date but, apparently, guys would also like you to have a brain.
Obsessed with Facebook/Twitter: Love telling the world about every aspect of your personal life/relationships/opinions via your social networking pages? Whether you get a bunch of responses or attention for your postings or no one ever comments on your pages, the truth is most of your private business should remain that way. So you're having a latte at the Starbucks downtown, sorry, but nobody cares. So you and your boyfriend just became official? Only you and he care. So you just went to the doctor and got some interesting updates about your rash? Nobody wants to know that much about you. Yes, it can be fun to update the world about what's going on in your life, but keep in mind, this is the internet, there is nothing ‘private' about it (insert regrettable drunk photo here). These networking outlets play into our narcissistic nature and pose the possibility of letting our egos get out of hand. Anyone truly important in your life likely knows all the really significant stuff going on and apparently a lot of guys would prefer that you didn't share the minute details of your relationship via these networks. Posting every single thing that ever happens to you on Facebook or Twitter is just an obvious cry for attention. Keep it simple, and keep in mind that the more time you spend on social networking sites updating everyone on your life, the less time you're actually out living it.
Hygiene: Yes, just like the ladies, guys want someone that knows the basics of personal care. If you don't shower for a few days at a time, you will look it and smell it and no one will want to come within thirty feet of you, let alone cozy up for some action. So soap up, keep deodorant in supply and realize that anything smelling funky to you will smell funky to others. Smells from ‘down under' came up as well on this topic. Ladies, our body chemistry is pretty complicated, but our most private areas, when healthy, are an efficient, self-cleaning machine. If there are funky smells emitting from your pretty little panties, it's time to call the doc; for your health as much as your man's sense of smell.
Catty women: Women who cannot, for whatever reason, be, at the very least, civil to one another scream insecurity which is not only really obnoxious to other women, but is a serious turn off to most men. It sends a message that you are either completely threatened by other women and cannot hold it together or you have so little to offer that your only method of communication is to be a total bitch. Time to take a long jump off that high horse and get back to reality. No one likes to be around catty women; not men, not women, so unless you want to spend the rest of your life without friends or a partner, maybe you could try to be nice for a change.
Lack of ambition: This was another item that appears on both men's and women's lists of deal breakers. If you are out of work or have fallen on rough times, men tend to understand. Bbut if a woman has her sights set on never working or worse yet, is in debt or near bankruptcy and refuses to do much about it, guys go running for the hills, and understandably so! The possibility of an unlucky set of circumstances can happen to any of us; it's what we choose to do about it that determines what those around us are willing to put up with. If you have lofty dreams of being a well-cared-for, manicured housewife then good luck to you, but making an assumption that that's what your life will be before you've met your Donald and living well above your means in hope of being swept off your feet is a long shot, so buck up, apply for some jobs and make something of yourself. You'll be happier and the eligible bachelors around you will notice.
Too comfortable: After a while it's fine to show up in sweats and a t-shirt if you know you're just going to be laying on the couch watching movies together. Or not to run to the bathroom the instant you wake up to throw on make up before he sees you in the light of day. (Any reasonable guy knows that you don't wake up in full makeup, anyway). However, most men don't really want to discuss the details of your feminine ‘issues,' they don't want to hear you rip a huge fart or a juicy burp, or even to hear you swear like a sailor. Yes, it's great to get to that point of comfortability with someone, but when it comes down to it, guys still want you to act like a lady, even if you are wearing his ratty old sweatshirt and drinking a beer.
Assumes he will pay for everything: That first date is always a little awkward when the check arrives and you aren't sure if it's assumed the man will pay or if you're going Dutch or if he's hoping you'll offer. As a relationship progresses, it shouldn't be an assumption that he will always pay. Sometimes just offering is enough of a gesture to let him know that you are at least aware that dining out isn't free and that you truly appreciate his generosity. I have to fight with my boyfriend to get to pay for anything and I know that he's always willing and happy to, but I like returning the gesture even if it means pretending to go to the bathroom and ambushing the waiter with my credit card before we've even ordered. I enjoy the give and take, not just the take, take, take. And if he does pay, don't forget to say thank you; two simple words that. when said genuinely, go a long way.
High maintenance: I know I'm not the only one that saw this coming. Here's the catch, ladies: men like it when you are polished and looking great. They like showing you off and they like having a good looking, put together gal on their arm. However, they don't want to wait for six hours while you get your hair, make up and outfit to look perfect. They don't love it when you're late for everything because you couldn't find your perfect pink lip gloss. They don't love supporting you because you spent a month's worth of rent on a mani/pedi, wax and facial. If you want to be high maintenance, do it on your own time and your own dollar, because most guys will get sick of holding your purse and coat while you shop, or watching you fall to pieces because you just chipped a nail.
Don't try to change a man: I've heard that you should never try to change a man; honestly you should never try to change a woman either. If you are with someone or you want to be with someone, there are likely going to be things about that person that you wish you could change, but unless we're talking something that literally you cannot deal with, trying to change anyone to fit your mold rarely, if ever, ends well. People are who they are, suggestions of improvements here or there are fine, but don't assume you can force anyone, man or woman, to be something they are not. Try hard to change someone that doesn't want to and the only thing they will change is you.
Here's a bit more from the men I asked:
- Women who hate sports.
- Women who whine about everything.
- Overly tattooed or pierced. (Specifically tattoos on the neck.)
- Has to be able to have fun/laugh at herself.
- Can't talk about anything but clothes.
- Spends the entire movie, ball game or dinner texting someone else.
- Gets too serious, too soon. (e.g., don't bring up moving in, kids or marriage until there have been clear signs that that's where this is headed. And yes, three months of dating is way too soon. Hold your horses and have fun for a while.)
- Liars.
- Constant family gatherings.
- No posers, just be yourself.
So there you have it, a glimpse from the other side of dating deal breakers. I realize it's pretty easy to get defensive if you see yourself in this -- or last week's -- list. The truth of the matter is, the more you know about what the other sex wants, or more importantly what they definitely don't want, the more insight you have.
I'm not saying you should have to change yourself, but if you've had a ton of first dates but never second dates, maybe something in either list of items could clue you into why that may be.
Take it all for what it's worth, not everyone has the same deal breakers, but most people do want to date or even just hangout with someone they can relate and talk to. If you make yourself unapproachable, or generally unlikable, that's not going to be you.
No, the OnMilwaukee.com sex columnist's real name is not Sarah Foster. (Foster is the model/actress that played an ex-lover of Vincent Chase in the first season of "Entourage.") In reality, our sex columnist is a Wisconsin native with a degree in journalism and a knack for getting people to talk to her.
Sarah never considered herself an "above average" listener. Others, however, seem to think differently. Perhaps she has a sympathetic tone or expression that compels people to share their lives and secrets with her despite how little they know her. Everyone from the girl that does her hair to people in line at the grocery store routinely spill the details of their lives and relationships to Sarah, unprompted but typically not unwanted. It’s strange to her that people would do this, but she doesn’t mind. Sarah likes that she can give advice even if it is to complete strangers.
So why the pseudonym? Simple. People tell Sarah these things because for some reason they trust her. They believe she cares and therefore will keep their secrets in a locked vault the same way a best friend or therapist would. Sarah won't name names, but that vault is now unlocked.
