I'm the first to admit I've made some serious style faux pas in my time. Like the time in the late '90s when my friends had to stage an intervention to tell me that wearing brown boat shoes without socks had long since jumped the shark.

While I was stunned at the time that I had made such a grave error in fashion judgment, ultimately I thanked my friends for bringing my footwear decisions into the right decade.

This morning while out and about, however, I saw enough fashion violations that I instantly found myself inspired enough to pen this reactionary, holier-than-thou blog about Milwaukee styles that need to be banned for 2009:

Cell phones on a holster: Unless you're a cop, someone who's job requires you wear a tool belt, or you're Batman, put your phone in your pocket it or in your purse. No phone is stylish enough to be worn clipped to your ice-washed jeans, pal. You don't need to answer on the first ring, so the two seconds it takes to extract your phone from your pocket shouldn't be a problem. Same goes for Bluetooth headsets; it's fine to wear them in the car, but don't wander around Target looking like a cyborg.

White socks and sweatpants: If you're coming from or going to the gym, then obviously, you get a free pass. But otherwise, nothing good has ever come from white tube socks. And sweat pants are comfy ... at home. Ladies, I've seen some fashionable sweat suits that look kinda good on J-Lo. But unless you look like J-Lo, please put on some real pants. Dudes, you have no excuse.

Goatees: They're not mustaches, they're not beards. They showed up all over the place in the '90s, but oddly, never went away. Goatees look good on magicians, baseball players and Colonel Sanders. But that's it. Either go all the way with a beard or look delightfully ironic with a gigantic 'stache. Or just shave. I have another phrase for goatees, but it's not fit for print.

Obama assassination jokes: I can't believe that I've heard a few of these already, but they have no place in our collective lexicon. Not just racist and morbid, jokes about killing the president are plain old disgusting. I felt the same way about the Challenger jokes back in the day, but now I can articulate my revulsion. Love him or hate him, don't ever joke about assassinating Obama in my presence. Not unless you want a hearty "F*ck you" spat in your general direction.

Smoking in front of kids: Maybe this seemed like a good idea 40 years ago, but I simply can't believe parents openly smoke in front of their kids -- in public, nonetheless. It's just so wrong on so many different levels. If you must smoke, don't puff on babies or children. If you're not inclined to quit once you procreate, at least smoke away from them.

Excessive wearing of sports merchandise: Just to prove that I'm a style offender, too, here's one faux pas I will continue to make. Most of my T-shirts have a Brewers logo on them. Great for wearing to games, they're not so great for wearing everywhere else. I guess I can only pledge to wear my Brewers clothes subtlety: show your never-ending loyalty internally with boxer shorts, T-shirts under long-sleeve shirts or the occasional baseball cap. Don't wear Packers Zubas, Favre jerseys to Downtown steakhouses, and avoid the urge to paint your home in green and gold. Unless, of course, you live in Green Bay. Because if you live in Titletown, then you need all the morale boosting you can get.