Well, it was fun while it lasted, Charo. Loud and exhausting, but fun.
After two episodes of picking fights with Bruno, pocketing Tom Bergeron's microphones and yelling things in Spanish that the FCC likely would've bleeped if they understood any of it – oh, and occasional dancing – the retro television star was cuchi-cuchi-ed off "Dancing with the Stars" on Monday night with the lowest combined vote total and judges score.
At least Charo went off on a high note, with her final wedding-themed foxtrot serving as her best dance on the show (though it probably helped that her giant fluffy dress smartly hid her legs and footwork). But hey, it was a relatively smooth and sedate swan song for the show's resident over-caffeinated bouncy ball, an impressively graceful dismount. Then she threatened Bruno to a fight in the parking lot. So, oh well to that.
As for the rest of the celebs, Vegas Night rolled out some big numbers – and also, amidst all the fun and glitz, a contemporary dance routine about divorce from the Hough siblings. It was, uh, a shift in tone, you could say.
As usual, the judges had their say last night, raining a number of 9s on the celebs. But what'd we make of the top 10? Here's where we place our bets after Vegas Night.
10. Nick Viall
Dance: Tango
Judges' score: 26 out of 40
Our score: My Nick Viall beat may finally be coming to a close, dear readers. The former "Bachelor" wound up in the bottom two in last night's episode, and after his performance last night, he'll likely make a return visit next week. His "Poker Face" tango was a definite improvement on his footwork, while his blank concentrating face actually worked with the serious, stern staging. That's right: His blandness was an attribute!
Even so, he's still in the bottom tier of the dancers, and while more personality is coming out, he's not making a mark. A storyline for Nick hasn't come out yet, other than "I'm here because it was another reality show competition to do." I bet his hyperextended 15 minutes of fame finally run out last week.
9. Erika Jayne
Dance: Jive
Judges' score: 26 out of 40
Our score: If Nick manages to survive next week's elimination, it'll probably be thanks to Erika Jayne. She's not bad, but her personality – eeking out a bit more last night – hasn't seemingly won many over, and her dancing hasn't helped bring it out. Plus, her jive was plagued by that recurring nemesis: balance issues.
In my last recap, I noted that Erika Jayne – despite busting out mystical creatures and sexy cops – was the last person I remembered each week. Lo and behold, one week later, I'm stuck picking through my brain trying to remember her performance again.
8. Mr. T
Dance: Foxtrot
Judges' score: 24 out of 40
Our score: Actual dancing this week from Mr. T! No just standing stiff while his partner kicks, flips and generally spazzes out. No shticky themed dance around "Rocky" or "The A-Team"! Sure, it was clunky and sloppy dancing – but clunky and sloppy in a charming, dad-dancing-at-a-wedding sort of way. He may keep scoring low, but his hardass-with-a-heart personality will keep him afloat over his blander competition for at least another week or so. And then he'll leave – something, judging by his recent Twitter rant, that will be a short and silent affair.
In My Humble Opinion when a Dancer has to leave the DWTS. The show should Stop all that Jibber Jabber! Here's what I mean.. — Mr. T (@MrT) April 3, 2017
Instead of All other couples Surrounding, Hugging, Padding, Handshakes and giving Farewell Kisses to the 1 Leaving. Just say "See You Later" — Mr. T (@MrT) April 3, 2017
HE MAY BE ABLE TO FOXTROT, BUT HE'LL TWO-FOOT STOMP ON YOUR SENTIMENTALITY!
7. Bonner Bolton
Dance: Charleston
Judges' score: 24 out of 40
Our score: After last week's revelatory Viennese waltz, the bull rider was bucked by his Charleston routine, a timid rendition of a supposedly high-energy dance. Learning Chris Kattan's lesson, he brought up his past broken vertebrae BEFORE busting out his hindered Charleston chops, but it was a still sleepy routine – plus, with none of the chemistry we've been bashed over the head with for the past two weeks. He may not be around as long as I feared last week ... which means yay, I can go back to not remembering Banana Boat's name!
6. Rashad Jennings
Dance: Samba
Judges' score: 28 out of 40
Our score: The football player suffered his first fumble on "Dancing with the Stars" last night, with an often off-rhythm samba. Julianne Hough seemed to think it was the music that threw Jennings off; maybe it was just an off-week with a tough routine featuring a lot of technique. That being said, even when the dance went overtly wrong – I'm no expert hoofer, but even I was tut-tutting like Len on a grumpy night during several parts – Jennings radiates a charisma and smoothness that should help him glide over this quick speed bump. Continuing to practice shirtless would probably continue to help him out too (I'm here to help, ladies).
5. Nancy Kerrigan
Dance: Samba
Judges' score: 33 out of 40
Our score: For the past few weeks, Kerrigan's been predictably solid if unspectacular. Far from the worst of the night but never a standout. Last night's samba changed that a little – and the steps weren't the best of it, as the ice queen's occasionally frigid on-stage demeanor melted down into a loose, spicy set of steps. I'm still not sure how she'll manage in a crowded field of similar celebs – so many sports stars! – but there's potential momentum here. And if she wins, combined with Kristi Yamaguchi's past win, that means one thing: You're up, Michelle Kwan!
4. David Ross
Dance: Jazz
Judges' score: 31 out of 40
Our score: Maybe it was my inner Cub hater coming out, but I was not as enamored with the former Cub catcher's strip show/occasional jazz routine. For one, like the previous week, it seemed more shtick than steps – which is a shame because the steps, when they did show up, were actually solid. As much fun as it was to watch Ross shake his stuff around and seemingly flip his poor partner face-first into his man business, I didn't see much dancing here.
Most critically, though, how was a "Magic Mike"-themed dance not set to Ginuwine's "Pony"? Where the hell was "Pony"?! YOU HAD ONE JOB!
I'm in the minority, though, and Ross is definitely the most fun performer out there now that Charo's Tazmanian devil routine has breezed out of the show.
3. Heather Morris
Dance: Tango
Judges' score: 33 out of 40
Our score: Another week, another very impressive dance that was a legit good dance, not just for a reality show celebrity competition. Yawn. The routine was even Britney Spears-themed (her most famous "Glee" episode), in case you needed a reminder that her past famous life was as a dancer, on stage and on screen. Really, Maks' leg dying and coping with a temp partner is the best thing to happen to Morris, because without that, the storyline would be how unimpressed the audience is by a pro stomping on these amateurs. At least Maks' murdered calf gives a hint of a challenge for her.
2. Simone Biles
Dance: Quickstep
Judges' score: 33 out of 40
Our score: The star gymnast impressively recovered from last week's small step back with her quickstep – Elvis-themed, natch. She's still more precise than personal when dancing, but for a number like the quickstep, that works just fine as her footwork was sharp and fast. More concerning: Did Simone Biles really not know who Elvis is? And how come, when she was asked to name one of his movies, she responded with, "Movies?" in a tone of voice that made it sound as though she was confused by the concept of moving pictures? I know being the greatest gymnast in American history takes up a lot of time, but come on now.
1. Normani Kordei
Dance: Foxtrot
Judges' score: 34 out of 40
Our score: A new – though not unsurprising – name tops both the judges' and my leaderboard, as Normani's foxtrot was smooth and silky, powerful and punchy (oh god, the Bruno-isms; they're contagious!). And I'm starting to think she might just pull off the upset and go all the way. After all, her dancing is strong, her personality and storyline – having to practice around the globe due to touring with Fifth Harmony – are memorable, and speaking of Fifth Harmony, she's got legions of fans probably ready to vote. I mean, just look at the view numbers for a Fifth Harmony YouTube video. I'll wait ...
...
INSANE RIGHT!? Just look at the comments too (actually don't; never wander into the comments).
Simone's still my bet, but if you're looking for a dark horse to put your money down on, you might want to press your luck here.
As much as it is a gigantic cliché to say that one has always had a passion for film, Matt Mueller has always had a passion for film. Whether it was bringing in the latest movie reviews for his first grade show-and-tell or writing film reviews for the St. Norbert College Times as a high school student, Matt is way too obsessed with movies for his own good.
When he's not writing about the latest blockbuster or talking much too glowingly about "Piranha 3D," Matt can probably be found watching literally any sport (minus cricket) or working at - get this - a local movie theater. Or watching a movie. Yeah, he's probably watching a movie.
