Monday night's episode of "The Bachelor" was one of the cruelest chunks of television I've sat through. Almost every amusing personality amongst the competitors was sent home (that's right, all two of them) while the show gave all too fleeting cameo appearances to actual entertaining people – Fred Willard! THE RETURN OF KENNY! – only to hand the spotlight immediately back to Arie, who may or may not have been awake for any of the filming. It was so bad, I had to watch an episode of "Black Mirror" afterwards as a pick-me-up. 

"It's all about the ring" read the first of two group date cards for this week, causing all the ladies in the room to swoon and go "OOOOH!" – except Bibiana, who was apparently the only one who picked up on the pun. Thankfully, it didn't mean a boxing ring, but the ladies would be getting their GLOW on – Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling, that is.

To help them get into the act, Arie brings out two former wrestlers who are not pleased with the happy, smiley effort they're seeing. This isn't Giggly Ladies of Wrestling! What do they think this is: A DATE?! So the two vets resort to insults – first to Bibiana, who shoots the camera a Jim from "The Office" face before heading to a corner to cry, and then to Tia, who bristles at the ponytail-pulling and joins Bibi in the corner. Great date, Arie! But seriously, most of the women clearly don't care, Tia and Bibiana's hurt feelings drama was a drag and Arie spent most of the time half-heartedly telling the women, "You're doing great," like a dad drinking his way through his kid's Little League game. 

Thankfully, we move past the moody drama and start throwing people into silly costumes (credit to Maquel, who is still on the show, for going all in on her role as Nasty Lunch Lady) as it's time to perform for a whole four rows of audience members! Even better, though, before the ladies take the ring, Arie has a bout of his own with ... KENNY, the people's champion from Rachel's season. "The worst case is that he kills me," Arie jokes to the camera, being wrong.

As an actual pro wrestler, Kenny knocks around Arie for a good while and gives me hope that maybe he'll put Arie into a full coma and take over the show. Honestly, who would complain? Unfortunately, Arie survives and eventually defeats Kenny, who doesn't even get to say a single word. FOILED AGAIN! The girls take the ring then too, fighting in duos in ways that are mildly entertaining and majorly sexual. Some old lady in the crowd was not pleased. 

Afterward, the Gorgeous Ladies of The Bachelor (or ... GLOB) head to a cute little airstream park where Arie talks to them like a high school guidance counselor ("I don't know about you, but that felt uncomfortable to me. But I liked that. Do you like being uncomfortable?"). As soon as he's done, Krystal – surprise, surprise! – grabs Arie immediately for private time. Bibiana freaks out for a bit again, while Krystal has an awkward whisper conversation where she asks permission to continue being excessively assertive. Otherwise, everyone else's one-on-one time with Arie sounded just like SNL's "Beard Hunk." 

In the end, Krystal thinks the rose is hers, but instead Bekah M. swoops in for the group date rose win. So much for her supposed "foundation" with Arie – and also WHERE IS THIS WOMAN'S LOZENGE!?

While we work on getting her a Luden's, the one-on-one date card arrives for the week, and it goes to ... A LAUREN?! Lauren S., to be specific. She gets to go to Napa for a wine country date ... however, before they leave, she talks a little bit about how there's a rose on this date, so you know she's screwed. Any time a solo date mentions the rose, you know they're dead.

Unsurprisingly, the date goes poorly. It starts decently with some fine small talk (Arie, in brief moment of consciousness, even made a joke about cardigans that got a church chuckle out of me), but by the dinner portion, she's rambling on and on about her past boyfriends, and Arie's blankly nodding and EATING THE FOOD. Her breakdown is a bummer to watch. At the end of the date, Arie picks up the rose ... and then breaks up with her. PICKING UP THE ROSE AND THEN BREAKING UP WITH A CONTESTANT SHOULD BE PUNISHABLE BY DEATH. What a cruel tease that is – though at least Lauren S. could see it coming. She's sent to the SUV of Sadness, while a production assistant grabs her suitcase and freaks out all the other housemates. Krystal tries to act like she's the Bachelor Whisperer, but Caroline – a person on this show – is done with her. Give me more people dragging fake, condescending Krystal, please!

Instead, I got something even better: PUPPIES! Indeed, the final group date for the day is hanging out with dogs, and it's great – even when the local news broadcast CUT INTO MY PUPPY TIME to alert viewers that it's going to snow in Wisconsin in January. Unforgivable. Thankfully, I was quickly returned to my corgis already in progress. 

But the date isn't great for one poor contestant: Annaliese ... again. Indeed, apparently the only thing more traumatizing than bumper cars is precious puppers, as Annaliese again has a "Forensic Files"-esque flashback to the time a dog once growled at her and supposedly almost took her eye out. I hope she never leaves this show and has a traumatic past with every single one of Arie's date ideas. "When I was a child, a bottle of pinot noir menaced me on the kitchen counter, and also my mom was the Grape Stomp Lady."

Unfortunately, it's not all fun, games and childhood horrors, as the girls must perform tricks for Arie and a crowd of families, which seems like a solid way to ruin a perfectly good pupper date. Luckily, comedy legend Fred Willard is there, star of Christopher Guest's "Best in Show," to make jokes about Arie courting women doggy-style. God bless you, Fred Willard. Anyways, all the women do terribly, children in the audience start crying and Annaliese is stuck on pooper scooper duty (hee hee, duty). One imagines things could only improve for her at the evening's cocktail party.

OR WOULD THEY!? Annaliese is stressed because, while everyone else in the house is mounting Arie, The Kissing Bandit has yet to steal a simple smooch from her yet. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that she recently handled poop. No matter, she steals Arie away to discuss their lack of lip-locking, and Arie flat-out tells her that they're not there yet – and probably won't get there, so he shows her the door. I can't believe the person who was terrified of bumper cars and puppies managed to overthink this show. Now she'll probably have night terrors about roses and grey-haired gentlemen – and we won't get to see the sepia-toned recreations. A tragedy. 

As for the rest of the cocktail party, we return to poor Bibiana, who is still desperate for her time with Arie – so much so, she builds a lovely little bungalow and a telescope to look at the stars. Unfortunately, planning a special quiet date in the Bachelor mansion is like putting together a romantic dinner in the middle of a tornado. Of course, Arie and Lauren B. JUST HAPPEN to stumble upon her setup and use it for their one-on-one time. And then so does the next date. And the next. And pretty much everyone but Bibiana gets to lay with Arie on her couch. By the time the rose ceremony starts, Bibiana's done – and surprising no one, the last rose goes to Marikh instead of her. At least she made everyone else's date special – like "The Bachelor" version of The Giving Tree. 

All in all, not a lethal body count this week – but somehow it feels brutal considering the personalities lost. We lost a lot of fun, amusing people this episode, from Annaliese's fearful reenactments to Bibiana's frustrated everywoman act, and I'm not sure who's left on the show to pick up the slack. Krystal's geared up to be the villain, but there's no one around for her to clash with – maybe Bekah M.? But right now, we're just left with Arie, who's barely on screen even when he's on screen. 

It's never too late to bring back Kenny. 

Gone

Lauren S., Annaliese, Annaliese's heaven-sent nightmare recreations and Bibiana. There are still too many people on this show I don't know. 

Contenders 

1. Bekah M.

Bekah M. got the wrestling group date rose not particularly because of her ring performance, which looked like more whipping than wrestling, but because of her fancy reverse psychology performance during the airstream portion of the night. As she explained to Arie, he needs her because she doesn't need him. He's only dated people who need him, but he knows that she doesn't need him – which makes him need her. Paging Dr. Taylor from Nick's season; I think we need a psychology-off. 

2. Krystal

I'm putting her here because I have to, not because I want to. She's the villain we have, but by no means the villain we want. 

3. Tia

If there's any hope for a strong personality or character on "The Bachelor," it's Tia, who has Bibiana's realness with not quite as much of the needy drama (save for her fair wrestling spat with the former GLOW star). See: handing Arie a jar of moonshine to sample, which he described as "like gasoline in a good way." I don't know what that means, Arie, but Tia is fun. Please keep her around for a bit. 

Pretenders

1. Maquel

Maquel arrived at the mansion in an Indy car. Since then, the most noteworthy thing she's done is dress up like a dowdy lunch lady and fake beat up on the girl who would ACTUALLY win the group date rose. She won in the ring – but nowhere else. 

2. Lauren B.

The last surviving Lauren. Impressive work – though I still couldn't tell you a thing about her minus that she got the benefit of Bibiana's date planning. And now Bibi's not there, so ...

3. Jenna

I don't know who this person is.

Line of the night

Caroline's sass toward Krystal could be more clever, but there was something soothing and satisfying about hearing her dunk on the fakest woman in the room by saying, "Get off your high horse. Stop being condescending, just because you met his dog." More of that, Caroline, and I might start knowing who you are!