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"What do you mean I have to order the salad?"
"What do you mean I have to order the salad?"

Hey there fatty, part 2: Getting the bitterness out

When one decides to better his or her health the obvious two things one has to do is eat better and exercise regularly.

But when one is a fatty and is stuck in a routine of inactivity and excessive eating, breaking out of that routine and into one that features healthier food options and repetitive movements is akin to Kim Kardashian's desire for marriage.

A good amount of gyms promise guidance of a trainer but the last thing a fatty wants is to be yelled at for being fat and out of shape. Another thing most fatties hate – I'm guessing – is working out in public.

The idea of me taking my disproportionately top-heavy frame to a gym to lumber about while breathing as loud as the sound of a plane taking off and creating Lake Michigan-sized pools of sweat wherever I stand for a few minutes is stupid – even though it's the best thing to do.

There are so many different "experts" on the best way to train and lose weight that the information really can make a person dizzy after hours online on stuck paging through a magazine.

"Experts" are different from people who are genuinely able, willing and want to help, because the "experts" come from a place of condescension where as the genuinely helpful people are motivated by empathy.

I've received so many wonderful words of encouragement through Talkbacks, emails, text messages, Twitter and Facebook. I sincerely thank you all for your genuine care and for reaching out. I'm looking into every tip that was sent my way. You people are the type of community that fatties like me need.

Similarly, there are so many different approaches to eating healthy that trying to make a decision between all of them is enough to make a person stay home and get delivery.

Popular diets like South Beach, Atkins, Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig, Nutrisystem, 17 Day Diet, etc., all require different things and have different philosophies to losing weight and they all try to sell you on why they are the best way to lose weight, for YOU.

Embarking on a journey like this has led me to have a case of the grumpys, and I decided that I need to expel that negative energy before I derail myself and house four bacon double cheeseburgers with extra cheese from Burger King.

Call it whining, b*tching or whatever, but I'm going to "clear the mechanism," as Kevin Costner's character Billy Chapel says before pitching in the movie "For Love of the Game."

When I quit smoking years back, I never had the grumpys. When I quit drinking over a year and a half ago, I didn't catch the grumpys.

But this food addiction, this horrendous and heinous Medusa, has a firm grip on me and she doesn't want to let go.

Without further ado here is my irrational addiction-inspired rant about why everything sucks – and hopefully by the end of this, after I've spewed my last word of venom and hurled my last insult, I'll be able to move on to building some positive ideas about what lies out there for me and the promise of a life changed.

For those who find themselves frustrated about the struggle to lose weight, I encourage you to post your b*tching in the Talkback section below.

FOOD

Low-calorie diet food sucks!

The whole "it tastes like the full-calorie version" is a host of hogwash and bologna. While there are some diet foods that aren't too bad, there are far too many terrible tasting diet foods to really get my food motor running in the right direction.

Vegetables are dumb!

I am deeply envious of my fellow humans that absolutely live to eat like rabbits and other herbivores. My taste buds dislike most vegetables so much it's like I'm allergic to them or something.

All those low-calorie diet foods that suck and all of those vegetables that are dumb are made so much better by adding various condiments to them or by smothering them in dip, but condiments and dip are bad for you and therefore you can't make the sucky dumb food taste better!

There are 140 delicious calories – 130 from fat – in 2 tablespoons of Ken's ranch dressing, my favorite. In what world is 2 tablespoons of ranch enough ranch for anything?!

Don't tell me that low-cal ranch is just as good. It tastes like death.

Butter has 100 calories in one tablespoon. How does one use less than three tablespoons on two slices of toast when seeking maximum butter coverage?

Who in the hell created these portion sizes and why were they so stupid while doing it?

The more organic foods or preservative-free meats and fishes are 5,000 times more expensive than the stuff that gives me headaches and makes me feel lethargic and terrible. With the extra money left over from buying the cheap junk I can afford my ibuprofen and acetaminophen and still have money left over to buy some more cheap crap.

WORKING OUT

Why aren't gyms more fatty friendly?

Can't there be a separate area for fatties to work out away from the good-looking and fit people that use the gym for staying fit and finding hook-ups?

The idea of displacing enough water in a pool to create a flood is ridiculous, but the fear of my man-knockers bare and floating for everybody to see is terrifying and thus, there should be a separate pool for fatties and that area should be dark.

Why does working out have to make you sweat so damn much?!

Do yoga, they say. Do yoga? Yeah, right, OK! The idea of bending and contorting around my rolls of fat and breaking wind with every turn and adjustment sounds awesome! Just awesome.

SELF

How in the world were you so stupid as to let yourself get this fat and out of shape?!

In high school you were athletic, in college you were active and now you are squat and you have a wife that escaped death and a wonderful son. What, is having a family to live for and be healthy for not enough motivation for you fatty?

How in the world did you squander any of the good health you gained when you were previously able to lose weight? Why did you let yourself gain it back? You had it. You lazy prick!

Look at you sitting there typing this, scared and embarrassed by the fact that you made your weight struggles public. Hey, dope, everybody who has ever seen you already knows that you're a fatty. This isn't news, genius! You knew, they knew, everybody knows. Get over it and get back to work!

Well, I think that about covers it. Honestly, it felt good to sit and gripe for a minute because those are all things that I've let fester in my mind for far too long.

Thanks for letting me vent.

Talkbacks

angelamb825 | Feb. 3, 2012 at 8:30 a.m. (report)

I don't have any advice, but man this is some funny s@#t... that is, until you got to the "Self" section. Don't be so hard on yourself (I guess I do have some advice, advice I need to follow myself). Try and focus on health more, allow yourself a break, and if you have a few bad meals, days, weeks, just be sure to get back on the health wagon (NOT necessarily the weight loss wagon). It took a while to gain the weight, it takes a while to take it off. (I HATE it when people say this, but it's true).

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Wez | Feb. 2, 2012 at 1:18 p.m. (report)

Few things that might help:
1. It takes something like 22 or 25 days to break a habit. So once you've made that, things should get easier?? Hopefully.
2. Quit the gym, it won't keep you motivated it'll just make you depressed. Buy the Insanity DVD's. Do them. They are wonderful. There is a bunch to choose from and they are all under 60 minutes. These workouts will keep your metabolism revved for so long afterwards, you won't want to put anything greasy in your mouth, and you'll feel great.
3. If it helps, knowing that three 10 minute workouts are move effective than one 30 minute workout. It might help you on days when you're in a crunch for time.

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Massaconsin | Feb. 1, 2012 at 7:54 a.m. (report)

The first few weeks, like smoking, are always horrible. But remember, you quit smoking!!

I agree w/ @mouse. The closer it is to real food the better. I used to eat salads all the time and I was cranky and miserable. Planning your meals should help you avoid the salad siberia.

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Happyatlast | Feb. 1, 2012 at 7:23 a.m. (report)

There is no easy way to lose weight. You need to be determined and motivated. Congratulations for taking these steps. I am eager to continue to encourage you along this path. Good Luck!

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A.Known.E.Mouse | Jan. 31, 2012 at 8:37 p.m. (report)

A hint from a former big 'un. Patience is a virtue. I have lost 85 pounds in just over 10 years. I was 230, now 145. It all started with cutting out soda, not going diet, cutting it out completely. And everything has been easier and easier since then. My best advice is to eat only things that have real food in them. It will cause you to read a lot while you are in the grocery store, which will garner some weird looks. Once the pounds start melting away, any struggles with fatigue and apathy will too! And you will begin to cherish stepping on the scale to see how much more you have lost.

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