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Milwaukee's Daily Magazine for Tuesday, July 29, 2014

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Girl Globetrotter Fatima "TNT" Maddox leads the "YMCA." Um, yeah, my kid is clueless.
Girl Globetrotter Fatima "TNT" Maddox leads the "YMCA." Um, yeah, my kid is clueless.

Five signs I have failed as a parent

I always knew there were blind spots in my parenting scope, but lately, they have been extremely visible. I just hope there are plenty of sensitive, inquisitive young folks out there who are going to make fine future therapists because my kid's gonna need one.

Here are five things that happened recently that suggest my parenting license should be revoked:

1. My son was invited on court with the Harlem Globetrotters to do the "YMCA" dance and he did not know how to do it. Where are my priorities? Didn't I coin the phrase "It Takes The Village People To Raise A Child?" And didn't I work at the YMCA for 12 years?

2. He is 8 and still thinks words like "appropriated" (as a synonym for "suitable") and "unihorn" exist because I do not correct him. That's right, I am holding on to the last shreds of his baby-ness like the selfish maternal figure that I am. And "unihorn" is more accurate anyway. The magical horse has one horn, not one corn, right?

3. He's in a latch hook club. With me. That I started. What is wrong with me? I must have the locker picked out that I want him to be stuffed into someday when he's 13 and someone finds out he is or was in a latch hook club with his mother. What next? A Happy Hands Dance Club with his dad?

4. He put his jeans on backwards today and did not notice. As much as I would like to think of this as fashion forward, it's most likely more in the "fashion failure" category. Why would anyone accept a butt zipper?

5. He wants to be a "computer writer" someday and write articles about Milwaukee.

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