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Milwaukee's Daily Magazine for Friday, April 18, 2014

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The frigid waters of the Polar Bear Plunge might get me one day.
The frigid waters of the Polar Bear Plunge might get me one day.

Five "very Milwaukee" ways to kick the bucket

I was born in Milwaukee. Chances are, I will die in Milwaukee. And in between these two events I've developed a rather dark sense of humor – which has led me to write this blog.

In short, because I have lived a very Milwaukee life, I think it would be fitting and a little funny if I died a very Milwaukee death. So here are a few ways I'm hoping to go. (But not too soon – OK, universe?)

1. Struck by a falling chunk of the Hoan Bridge while leaving Summerfest at closing time on the very last night of, say, Summerfest 2065.

2. Run over by a fleet of Harley-Davidsons. Not just one, please, but at least six or seven. I guess I want a dramatic death.

3. Strangled by a string of Usinger's sausages. Choking on a brat chunk is a possibility, too.

4. Die of a broken heart if the Oriental Theater ever closes.

5. Freeze to death during a New Year's Day Polar Bear Plunge. I keep saying I'm never doing it again, and yet, and yet ...

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