By Molly Snyder Senior Writer Published Apr 28, 2015 at 11:37 PM

There are a lot of things Janeane Garofalo does not do – drink alcohol, strengthen her core, shave her eyebrows (once was enough) – but there are even more things that she will do like put an entire baby foot in her mouth, geek out about "The Puppy Bowl" and call out Olive Garden.

"I’m sorry, but there is no culinary institute in Tuscany, Olive Garden," she reported tonight while delivering 90-minutes of comedy and conversation at the Turner Hall Ballroom.

Garofalo, 51, appeared small and fit, wearing leggings (which she later disclosed at Spanx) with combats boots, a flowy top that exposed her tattooed shoulders and black-rimmed glasses.

"When you get older, wear glasses," she said. "And remember that your eyebrows are sisters, not twins."

Not that it matters, but Garofalo would have passed for 38; however, she continuously brought up her age. But luckily for the audience the way she did so was funny.

"People ask me why I dress like this, and I agree with you, but I’m not ready for Eileen Fisher," she said.

Garofalo went on to reference old school memories like "The Match Game," storing balled-up tissues in the sleeve of her shirt and proclaimed herself to be a Luddite, a non-believer in gluten or peanut allergies and a shameless smoker.

"A lot of you are smokers, too, but you just don’t buy cigarettes," she said. "And when you ask me to buy a cigarette, you have no intention to pay for one, and I am not going to charge you, but there will be a lighting fee."

At one point Garofalo called herself "a grandma" even though she also made it clear she does not have children nor did she want any – except when she was shoving an entire baby foot in her mouth.

"Kids offer diminishing returns after the age of 7," she said.

But it was also strikingly clear that Garofalo was no fuddy-duddy. Instead, she was extremely mobile – sitting criss-cross on the stage, walking back and forth, journeying out into the audience and hilariously feigning a need for help from male audience members back onto the stage.

She was sharp, funny, macabre and well-versed in pop culture and politics – calling out Scott Walker and the high-waisted pants of New Jersey governor, Chris Christie. She also proved decades of self awareness with comments like "I don’t want to do anything or be anyone anymore. I actually get mad at people I make brunch plans with" and admitted to faux cleaning with products like Clorox wipes, Febreeze and Swiffer.

"These are the troika of cleaning while not really cleaning," she said. "They are all in a landfill somewhere, but I never had any kids so I have some wiggle room with the environment."

Garofalo started her career as a comedian on the "Ben Stiller Show," "The Larry Sanders Show" and "Saturday Night Live." She went on to star or appear in 50 movies, including "Reality Bites," "The Truth About Cats and Dogs," "The Matchmaker" and "Ratatouille."

In recent years, she has appeared in television shows "Girlfriends' Guide to Divorce" and "Broad City."

Garofalo lives in New York but was born and raised in New Jersey. "It’s not all tanning beds and nonsense," she promised.

During the well-attended show, she commented on Milwaukee – and not just swipes at Walker. She spoke of Lake Michigan and declared Milwaukee was "No. 1 in the age of sail but not in the age of rail."

It takes a few minutes to buckle in on the Garofalo train. She is physically all over the stage (and the audience) but also meanders and tangents in conversation. However, just when you might think the show is about to derail, Garofalo brings it back with wit, poignancy and personal reflection.

"I’ve been going on for a long time, if anyone needs to leave, I totally understand," she said, only half kidding. "I didn’t come here to win. I came here to make friends."

Chicago’s Rebecca O’Neal (below) opened the show with a laugh-out-loud set.


Molly Snyder started writing and publishing her work at the age 10, when her community newspaper printed her poem, "The Unicorn.” Since then, she's expanded beyond the subject of mythical creatures and written in many different mediums but, nearest and dearest to her heart, thousands of articles for OnMilwaukee.

Molly is a regular contributor to FOX6 News and numerous radio stations as well as the co-host of "Dandelions: A Podcast For Women.” She's received five Milwaukee Press Club Awards, served as the Pfister Narrator and is the Wisconsin State Fair’s Celebrity Cream Puff Eating Champion of 2019.