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I have been a parent for almost 12 years, and during that time, I have made a lot of promises to my sons, to myself and to the universe about what I would do or not do as a mother. Over time, I have pretty much narrowed down my mission to one goal.
I promise not to put two more douchebags in the world.
Although only one item, it is a very tall order. I see douchey-ness try to draw them in on a daily basis. I simply will not have it.
I actually introduced the D-word last year, when they were 10. Now, I call it as I see it. "Hey, that was douchey," I say.
And despite how much douchebaggery they display, they can always, always have a do-over.
Deeply inspired by the gem of a "kids book" called "Go The F-ck To Sleep," I wrote this. It is dedicated to my sons, Kai River and Levi. And we do not really have an Uncle Randy.
The Last Thing This World Needs Is Another Douchebag
Once upon a time, there was a mom. She was like your mom: she loved her child and wanted the best things possible for him.
But one day, the mom realized something. The world was full of douchebags. And the mom did not want her child to grow up to be douchebag. And so, she called her boy to her side.
"Son," she said. "The last thing this world needs is another douchebag."
"Mommy, what does 'douchebag' mean?" the boy asked.
"I'm so glad you asked," said Mom, clearing her throat.
Grab your stuffed bear
and a box of juice
and I'll tell you a story
about a bag of douche.
A douche can't stop talking
in a way-too-loud voice
it's his way or the highway
and he's rarely Pro Choice.
Don't talk to his girlfriend
or he'll puff up with 'tude
step on his Crocs
and he'll threaten to sue.
A douche is a bully
his life's a boxing ring
he'll "pfffft" on your feelings
and hate on your thing.
He'll trap you in a corner
a total time sucker
despite his stupidity,
he's a cocky motherf-cker.
A douche says "dude"
after every other breath
"Over dude-ing" it, son,
is the d-bag kiss of death.
"Mom, I think I get it: is Uncle Randy a douchebag?" the boy asked.
Yes! Uncle Randy's a douche
has a face like a rat
says crap like "I'd hit that"
and non-ironically at that.
And so was that guy
the one at the waterpark
who knocked you down with his tube
and left with a shrug and a fart.
You see, son, there's no "u" in douche
wait, yes there is – oh, poo!
but that still doesn't mean
it's the fate of YOU.
I'm not always a perfect mom
I might drink too much and hurl
but I swear I won't add another douchebag
to this already douched-up world.
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