It's kids and family week here at OnMilwaukee.com and, more than ever, we'll feature articles and blogs about children's health, education, travel, fun and more. Kids and family week is brought to you by Aurora Health Care.
I have been a parent for almost 12 years, and during that time, I have made a lot of promises to my sons, to myself and to the universe about what I would do or not do as a mother. Over time, I have pretty much narrowed down my mission to one goal.
I promise not to put two more douchebags in the world.
Although only one item, it is a very tall order. I see douchey-ness try to draw them in on a daily basis. I simply will not have it.
I actually introduced the D-word last year, when they were 10. Now, I call it as I see it. "Hey, that was douchey," I say.
And despite how much douchebaggery they display, they can always, always have a do-over.
Deeply inspired by the gem of a "kids book" called "Go The F-ck To Sleep," I wrote this. It is dedicated to my sons, Kai River and Levi. And we do not really have an Uncle Randy.
The Last Thing This World Needs Is Another Douchebag
Once upon a time, there was a mom. She was like your mom: she loved her child and wanted the best things possible for him.
But one day, the mom realized something. The world was full of douchebags. And the mom did not want her child to grow up to be douchebag. And so, she called her boy to her side.
"Son," she said. "The last thing this world needs is another douchebag."
"Mommy, what does 'douchebag' mean?" the boy asked.
"I'm so glad you asked," said Mom, clearing her throat.
Grab your stuffed bear
and a box of juice
and I'll tell you a story
about a bag of douche.
A douche can't stop talking
in a way-too-loud voice
it's his way or the highway
and he's rarely Pro Choice.
Don't talk to his girlfriend
or he'll puff up with 'tude
step on his Crocs
and he'll threaten to sue.
A douche is a bully
his life's a boxing ring
he'll "pfffft" on your feelings
and hate on your thing.
He'll trap you in a corner
a total time sucker
despite his stupidity,
he's a cocky motherf-cker.
A douche says "dude"
after every other breath
"Over dude-ing" it, son,
is the d-bag kiss of death.
"Mom, I think I get it: is Uncle Randy a douchebag?" the boy asked.
Yes! Uncle Randy's a douche
has a face like a rat
says crap like "I'd hit that"
and non-ironically at that.
And so was that guy
the one at the waterpark
who knocked you down with his tube
and left with a shrug and a fart.
You see, son, there's no "u" in douche
wait, yes there is – oh, poo!
but that still doesn't mean
it's the fate of YOU.
I'm not always a perfect mom
I might drink too much and hurl
but I swear I won't add another douchebag
to this already douched-up world.
No Talkbacks for this article.
Post your comment/review now
Disclaimer: Please note that Facebook comments are posted through Facebook and cannot be approved, edited or declined by OnMilwaukee.com. The opinions expressed in Facebook comments do not necessarily reflect those of OnMilwaukee.com or its staff.
Recent Articles & Blogs by Molly Snyder
Published Oct. 30, 2014
Maritza Paz owns two restaurants, both called Chef Paz, but located 4,000 miles apart with one in Peru and the other in West Allis at 9039 W. National Ave.
Published Oct. 29, 2014
After nearly 10 years of more or less being off the radar with only the occasional stand-up gig, comedian Dave Chappelle decided to embark on an earnest comeback tour and many presumed - although some questioned if - he could bring it back.
Published Oct. 27, 2014
For part of September, Mr. Webo's Mexican restaurant, 2301 S. Howell Ave., had irregular hours. Then a sign appeared on the door saying it was closed for remodeling. Now the signs are off the building, there's paper on the windows and rumors of eviction.
Published Oct. 26, 2014
In 2002, Mitchell Wakefield opened Tess with a business partner, 2499 N. Bartlett Ave. Today, Wakefield owns the restaurant with his wife, Ashley. Inspired by a friend with Celiac disease, Wakefield developed a menu at Tess that is 75 percent gluten-free.
Published Oct. 25, 2014
In 1941, John P. Kallas started Kallas Honey, a local business that will soon turn 75. The company launched in the Kallas' Glendale home and later moved to a larger facility, also in Glendale. In 1999, Kallas Honey moved to its current facility at 5500 W. Douglas Ave.
Published Oct. 24, 2014
In May, Omar Amin - along with cousin and business partner Alaa Musa - opened BB's, 633 W. Wisconsin Ave. "BB's" stands for "build a breakfast" and "build a burger." Build-your-own smoothies and milkshakes are also available.
Published Oct. 22, 2014
Many Milwaukeeans who grew up in the `60s, `70s and `80s remember the Kooky Cooky House - an electronic gingerbread cookie factory that featured dozens of moving parts - that was located in the now defunct Capitol Court Mall. This year, an updated Kooky Cooky House returns to Discovery World.
Published Oct. 21, 2014
Milwaukee music venue Shank Hall will celebrate 25 years in business in November. For this latest segment of Milwaukee Talks, OnMilwaukee.com sits down with owner Peter Jest to hear about the best shows of the past 2 1/2 decades, the fire that almost destroyed the music room, the role Spinal Tap played in it all and much more.
Published Oct. 19, 2014
Kevin Spencer is well aware of the backlash that can happen from calling oneself a magician or an illusionist. Spencer - along with his wife, Linda - brings "Spencers: Theatre of Illusion" to the Sharon Lynne Wilson Center for the Arts, on Saturday, Nov. 8 at 7 p.m. The show is a mix of theater, rock concert and magic.
Published Oct. 19, 2014
What started out as a hobby for Laron Taylor is now a demanding full time job. His small business, Lai Lida Cookies, is doing better than ever and Taylor says he will soon offer bake-at-home cookie dough, too.