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Milwaukee's Daily Magazine for Friday, Sept. 19, 2014

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Shh, parents. Don't say it.
Shh, parents. Don't say it. (Photo: shutterstock.com)

Three things to never say as a parent

I made a terrible mistake recently and broke one of the karmic codes of parenting by "bragging" about something. I know better than to say these things aloud; they always bite me in the non-mom-jean-wearing butt.

And yet, I can't seem to keep my big mom mouth zipped.

Here's a description of my mama no-no, along with a couple more things you'll never hear me say. Of course there are way more than three things a parent should never say, so feel free to add more via the Talkback feature.

1. A couple weeks ago, I actually told a friend how lucky my family has been in avoiding sickness. I even went so far to say it had been over a year since the yucks struck. And I did not knock on wood. Or acknowledge my boldness to the universe. I just kept rollin' along for a few days and then blammo. We all got sick as goats (I thought I'd leave dogs out of this expression for once) and have remained fevery / sneezy / pukey ever since.

2. I used to say how my kids would eat "anything." And it was true: from seaweed to salmon to sauerkraut, they ravenously consumed whatever I plopped on their dumb little penguin plates. And then, around six or seven, they became super picky.  Like "I really only want juice and noodles" picky. We are slowly working our way back from the depths of insane food scrutiny, but I often chortle sinisterly at the memory of my former food statements.

3. We don't have a TV or video games in our house and even though here I am telling all of you in Blogland, you will never hear me say these words aloud. Ever. Because no matter how I say it, it makes other parents really uncomfortable. They feel the need to say things like, "Well we barely watch any TV..." and I totally understand why they go there. But the fact is, I made this choice for me. It has nothing to do with thinking my kids are going to achieve world peace and your kids are going to work in a pickle factory, it's a complicated, personal choice that doesn't work for everyone. But I promise, I'll keep it to myself. You couldn't beat it out of me with an old rabbit ears antenna.

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