Wednesday December 27^th, 2006 - Windom, MN

Hurricane Dobie blew through the Phat Pheasant Pub in Windom tonight. This was yet another reason why I wish they’d bring Prohibition back. I had to fight some rowdy drunk bumpkins with a bad sound system that kept fading in and out and in the end I almost had a riot on my hands. Not only that I inhaled enough second hand smoke that my lungs now probably look like two burnt ribeye steaks. Then I had to listen to them tell me how much they were helping the show and of course that blocked the others from buying any CDs.

I have really had it with these toilets. This is not comedy. This is insanity. There were a pair of halfwits right up front on either side of the stage that started in on the opener who was a very nice guy out of Minneapolis by way of Boston named Todd Andrews. He was a nice guy and it threw him that he had to deal with not one but two babbling imbeciles at the same time. To his credit he did his time and then brought me up. Not everyone can do that and I appreciate it. Many openers have bailed out and left me to do the extra time and have to fight the idiots all by myself. The owner wasn’t in the room and all he cares about is if the show goes a certain time so he can pump more booze into the already drunk mob.

Todd did his 35 minutes and I was supposed to do 50-55. Two minutes into it they were already chirping and I could tell this wasn’t going to be fun. The stage had a carpet over a big hole in the middle and I almost fell into it and broke my ankle. This was difficult as it was but I had to deal with a horrible sound system that faded in and out and on top of that try to shut up not one but TWO vociferous intoxicated humanoids who sat right up front.

What the hell am I doing with my life? What did I do in a past life to get this harsh of a punishment over and over again? Who can I call to start taking truck driving lessons? The people in back wanted a show but I had to focus on the ones in front and of course no one in charge would shut them up. They started to get very nasty and mean spirited and that is THE wrong thing to do with me with a mike in my hand. I went on a nice big tirade about each one of them and was easily able to ’out nasty’ them in about ten seconds. The crowd was stunned because everyone knows everyone in a town this size and I kept on going for a few more minutes until the guy wanted to rush the stage. Good thing I brought my trusty steel toed work boots along. I bought them for gigs like this. I told him I had them on and I wouldn’t hesitate to kick his remaining teeth down his throat so he’d have to gum a big bowl of pudding for dinner for the next few months. I would have done it too and he saw that I wasn’t kidding. I have done too many of these dives to let a moron like this attempt to intimidate me. I humiliated him in front of his town and he and the woman both started to walk out to a huge ovation from the rest of the packed house. They were sick of it too.

Then I found out after the show that these same two yokels disrupted the last show they had here last month. I can’t believe the owner let them back in. When I asked him he said ‘Well, they’re good customers.’ I bet they are. I told him to keep them at the bar next time so the show isn’t ruined AGAIN. He said that he talked to them and was ‘sure they would be quiet this time.’ Right-o. Then when he paid me he said ‘You were the best we’ve ever had here. Can’t wait until you come back.’ He’s going be waiting for quite a long time.