I didn't head into tonight's baked potato eating contest at the Wisconsin State Fair thinking I'd win. My main goal, really, was to avoid choking or throwing up.

With eight other contestants, including my speedy eating co-worker, Bobby Tanzilo, at the table, I had low expectations. So when they said "go," I just dug in and started eating.

I wasn't timing myself, but the first half of the potato, smothered in cheddar cheese, slid down easily. Then, I slowed a bit to swallow, and finished the rest, with just a few pieces of refuse falling outside my Styrofoam container, and oddly enough, not all over my shirt. So, I stood up, chugged my glass of water, and said, as ordered, "I love Wisconsin potatoes."

Seconds later, the challenger to my right, the Brew City Bruisers' "Terror Lipinski," also arose and claimed she won. She said I had too much effluent outside my dish. Honestly, I didn't care; I was just surprised that I was either the first or second one to finish. When the judges put it to a crowd vote, I was hardly campaigning for the victory; I was busy just wiping off my face.

The audience wasn't on my side, and I don't blame them. I wasn't selling it. Ms. Lipisnki certainly was. The judges called it a tie, and suggested we eat one more baked potato to decide the winner.

I immediately conceded, on the spot, but they wouldn't have it. Fine, let's do this thing.

They asked me if I had anything to say, and I just said, "Let's go before I change my mind."

And we did. The second baked potato went down faster than the first, and I beat my opponent indisputably. I shook her hand, posed for pictures, then waddled away.

Now, it's four hours later, and I feel like throwing up. I have horrible heart burn and can't get the starchy taste out of the top of my throat. Oddly, I'm hungry, but I have no plans to eat. I've taken the maximum amount of antacid one can consume in a day. Today may be the the least healthy day of eating in my entire life. I'm sure I look bloated and gross right now; I'm afraid to look in the mirror.

But I won, and that's a surprise. Now, I'm re-retiring from competitive eating.

Tomorrow, I shall only eat salad.