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Milwaukee's Daily Magazine for Sunday, Nov. 23, 2014

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In Holiday Guide Commentary

Here is a wish for us all ... this was fun! (PHOTO: Doug Russell)

Who's been naughty and who's been nice?


With Christmas rapidly approaching, I being ever the procrastinator, have some folks to still do some shopping for. There's my wife, my niece and nephew; oh, and some of our favorite sports personalities I need to shop for too.

Here's my shopping list for them:

Prince Fielder: Anywhere in baseball half as good as you had it here.

Mark Attanasio: My write-in vote for the Miller Park Walk of Fame.

John Axford: One word: Stachewax!

Bo Ryan: A halftime Xanax.

Andrew Bogut: A bionic right arm.

Herb Kohl: That vast, barren wasteland just north of the Bradley Center. Perfect spot for Kohl Arena.

Steven Jackson: A one-year pass to anything in town. Whether he sticks around long enough to use it.

Doug Melvin: A legitimate everyday centerfielder, you hoser. Oh, and some middle relief, aye.

Ryan Braun: Some privacy. Good grief.

Aaron Rodgers: A new dart board. That one with Favre's picture on it wore out this year.

Brett Favre: Some new Crocs. And a muzzle.

Jermichael Finley: Stickum. And a muzzle.

Donald Driver: A one-year "get out of Favre questions" pass from the ESPN boobs that come to Green Bay twice a year and cannot think of an original line of questioning.

Ryan Grant: A contract from a team that will appreciate and use him.

Bryan Bulaga: A harpoon for the next nitwit national announcer that mispronounces his name.

Scott Skiles: A personality.

Ted Thompson: A personality. And more draft picks!

Marquette Athletics: Anything but a subscription to the Chicago Tribune.

Dale Sveum: Anything but a subscription to the Chicago Tribune.

Bret Bielema: The next Russell Wilson. And a new windbreaker.

Keith Tozer: Some fans to fill up the building to watch his five-time MISL Champion Wave play.

Jerry Jones: Another Super Bowl. Because the one in February left a bad taste in everyone's mouth despite that edifice to excess known as Cowboys Stadium.

Zack Greinke: A smile. Life ain't that serious, kid.

Shaun Marcum: Fans with long memories of success; not short memories of failure.

Brandon Jennings: A sandwich.

Roger Goodell: A sense of humor.

Bud Selig: A better PR person.

Mike McCarthy: One media obligation-free week. Mac's personal heaven.

Albert Pujols: An ounce of humility.

Buzz Williams: A one year pass for Milwaukee to buy his "aw shucks" shtick again.

Tim Tebow: Spellchecker for his disciples. Just so they can get the Newest Testament correct.

Tiger Woods: Some of his old mojo. And that blonde over there's phone number.

Mark Tauscher: A career in broadcasting. He's concise, smart, glib, and a total Wisconsin homer. And I mean that in a good way.

Harris Turer: Another rich relative. Because clearly he understands re-investing found money into the community. Milwaukee needs more like him.

The Milwaukee Mustangs: Fans to take them up on their two season tickets for $90 special. Do the math: That's $5 per ticket per game. Best deal in town.

Rickie Weeks: One injury-free season.

Jerry Sandusky: A roommate.

Bernie Fine: Ditto.

Derek Jeter: Some class. I mean, a gift bag of your own swag? Really? You're better than that, Jetes.

Bob Uecker: A partner that will stick around for a few years. Hate to say it, but the time to groom his replacement is upon us.

Brian Anderson: Some Wisconsin roots. The Brewers have an absolute gem in Anderson and it would be a shame to lose him.

Wayne Larrivee: THE DAGGER! (Sorry...couldn't resist)

Evan Fitzgerald, Kevin Holden, Lance Allan, Rod Burks, Jessie Garcia, Tom Pipines, Tim Van Vooren, Jen Lada, Dan Needles, Stephanie Sutton, and Dario Melendez: Two extra minutes in sports. Weather takes up seven minutes and I can get my forecast in 15 seconds. Unreal.

Kobe Bryant: Doesn't matter what I would get him. Vanessa will get it in the divorce.

Manny Ramirez: The baby he has been longing to conceive. That is what those female fertility drugs were for, right Manny?

You: Some more trophies. This year was fun, wasn't it?

Doug Russell: Since you are reading this, you. That's all I need or want. You guys rock.

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