Who's been naughty and who's been nice?
With Christmas rapidly approaching, I being ever the procrastinator, have some folks to still do some shopping for. There's my wife, my niece and nephew; oh, and some of our favorite sports personalities I need to shop for too.
Here's my shopping list for them:
Prince Fielder: Anywhere in baseball half as good as you had it here.
Mark Attanasio: My write-in vote for the Miller Park Walk of Fame.
John Axford: One word: Stachewax!
Bo Ryan: A halftime Xanax.
Andrew Bogut: A bionic right arm.
Herb Kohl: That vast, barren wasteland just north of the Bradley Center. Perfect spot for Kohl Arena.
Steven Jackson: A one-year pass to anything in town. Whether he sticks around long enough to use it.
Doug Melvin: A legitimate everyday centerfielder, you hoser. Oh, and some middle relief, aye.
Ryan Braun: Some privacy. Good grief.
Aaron Rodgers: A new dart board. That one with Favre's picture on it wore out this year.
Brett Favre: Some new Crocs. And a muzzle.
Jermichael Finley: Stickum. And a muzzle.
Donald Driver: A one-year "get out of Favre questions" pass from the ESPN boobs that come to Green Bay twice a year and cannot think of an original line of questioning.
Ryan Grant: A contract from a team that will appreciate and use him.
Bryan Bulaga: A harpoon for the next nitwit national announcer that mispronounces his name.
Scott Skiles: A personality.
Ted Thompson: A personality. And more draft picks!
Marquette Athletics: Anything but a subscription to the Chicago Tribune.
Dale Sveum: Anything but a subscription to the Chicago Tribune.
Bret Bielema: The next Russell Wilson. And a new windbreaker.
Keith Tozer: Some fans to fill up the building to watch his five-time MISL Champion Wave play.
Jerry Jones: Another Super Bowl. Because the one in February left a bad taste in everyone's mouth despite that edifice to excess known as Cowboys Stadium.
Zack Greinke: A smile. Life ain't that serious, kid.
Shaun Marcum: Fans with long memories of success; not short memories of failure.
Brandon Jennings: A sandwich.
Roger Goodell: A sense of humor.
Bud Selig: A better PR person.
Mike McCarthy: One media obligation-free week. Mac's personal heaven.
Albert Pujols: An ounce of humility.
Buzz Williams: A one year pass for Milwaukee to buy his "aw shucks" shtick again.
Tim Tebow: Spellchecker for his disciples. Just so they can get the Newest Testament correct.
Tiger Woods: Some of his old mojo. And that blonde over there's phone number.
Mark Tauscher: A career in broadcasting. He's concise, smart, glib, and a total Wisconsin homer. And I mean that in a good way.
Harris Turer: Another rich relative. Because clearly he understands re-investing found money into the community. Milwaukee needs more like him.
The Milwaukee Mustangs: Fans to take them up on their two season tickets for $90 special. Do the math: That's $5 per ticket per game. Best deal in town.
Rickie Weeks: One injury-free season.
Jerry Sandusky: A roommate.
Bernie Fine: Ditto.
Derek Jeter: Some class. I mean, a gift bag of your own swag? Really? You're better than that, Jetes.
Bob Uecker: A partner that will stick around for a few years. Hate to say it, but the time to groom his replacement is upon us.
Brian Anderson: Some Wisconsin roots. The Brewers have an absolute gem in Anderson and it would be a shame to lose him.
Wayne Larrivee: THE DAGGER! (Sorry...couldn't resist)
Evan Fitzgerald, Kevin Holden, Lance Allan, Rod Burks, Jessie Garcia, Tom Pipines, Tim Van Vooren, Jen Lada, Dan Needles, Stephanie Sutton, and Dario Melendez: Two extra minutes in sports. Weather takes up seven minutes and I can get my forecast in 15 seconds. Unreal.
Kobe Bryant: Doesn't matter what I would get him. Vanessa will get it in the divorce.
Manny Ramirez: The baby he has been longing to conceive. That is what those female fertility drugs were for, right Manny?
You: Some more trophies. This year was fun, wasn't it?
Doug Russell: Since you are reading this, you. That's all I need or want. You guys rock.
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