Ah, New Year's Resolutions.
I'm going to lose 30 pounds, study French, quit smoking, learn how to ballroom dance, be nicer to my neighbors, keep the grill clean, pick up my dirty clothes, help more around the house and read something beside mysteries.
Yeah, right.
Everybody knows that you make these resolutions and realize that they aren't going to happen. But if it makes you feel better, even for a day or two, go for it. You kind of wonder what the people who make up our sports world will do for resolutions.
Like the guy from the IRS says, I'm from the government, and I'm here to help.
With a little sneakiness and some old fashioned detective work, I've discovered the resolutions for a bunch of sports figures. And here they are, some resolutions that either have been or should be made.
The local and national media resolve to shut up and quit barking about Brett Favre retiring. He'll announce it when he makes up his mind.
Brett Favre resolves to continue playing until the Packers win another Super Bowl.
John Jones, the new president of the Packers, resolves to remember that this is a special franchise, but not to let that almost religious fervor get in the way of realizing that this is a football team, not a shrine.
Mike McCarthy resolves to force Jesse Garcia out as the host of the "Mike McCarthy Show" unless she learns to talk without reading cue cards.
Ted Thompson resolves to find some free agents who can catch Brett Favre's passes. Suggestions include wide receivers Drew Bennett from the Titans and Kevin Curtis from the Rams and tight ends Tony Gonzales from Kansas City and Eric Johnson from the 49ers.
Mark Attanasio resolves to give his undivided attention to making oodles of money in his business so he can give it to Doug Melvin to play with.
Doug Melvin resolves not to bother Mark Attanasio with minor questions so that Attanasio can concentrate on what he does best, making oodles of money.
Ned Yost, winner of the Inscrutable Manager of the Year award for the fifth straight year, resolves to get mad and show passion sometime.
New Brewers pitcher Jeff Suppan resolves not to get weighed down by the burden of being a good starting pitcher, an outstanding role model for all the other pitchers on the team and being unable to pitch against the Brewers, the team that helped launch his career.
Herb Kohl resolves to be a little more like Mark Cuban and a little less like, well, Herb Kohl.
Larry Harris resolves to stop trying to prove he's smarter than his dad and just go with the fact that he's younger, has darker hair and isn't working for Mark Cuban.
Many, many NBA players resolve to stop thanking God in post game interviews for their performance. My guess is that God's got a lot more on his mind than whether Michael Redd gets 30 or not.
Terry Stotts resolves never to listen to sports talk radio, which can't make up its mind whether he ought to be canonized or taken out with the trash.
Radio Station WSSP resolves to stick with it and not go to easy listening or Christian Rock. They've had a somewhat hesitant start and still suffer from a lack of identity, but with their comparative strength of signal, they could be the big dog in the sports talk firmament in Milwaukee.
Craig Karmazin, who owns WAUK, resolves to realize he has the best talent in town but LISTENING TO HIS STATION IS LIKE TALKING TO YOUR BROTHER WITH TWO CANS AND A PIECE OF STRING and will try to find another station to buy and turn WAUK into the home of Christian Rock.
The Milwaukee Admirals resolve to disappear and stop taking up valuable nights at the Bradley Center when the Bucks could use the dates to help finance their efforts to build a championship major league team.
All sports fans in Milwaukee resolve to not take it so seriously in 2007.
