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Milwaukee's Daily Magazine for Friday, Nov. 21, 2014

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In Sports Commentary

The Winter Olympics are fun, but Dave Begel has some events that can add some spice to them. (PHOTO: Timofeev Sergey / Shutterstock.com )

The new winter Olympic events are nice, but they forgot some


I'm very, very worried about the Winter Olympics.

I love the Olympics, both in winter and summer. I watched hours and hours of the Games on television. And I really thought that the Sochi Olympics, staged in a resort city on the Black Sea, in a country where I have some of my heritage, would be real miraculous. Some of that depended on terrorists and stray dogs staying out of Vladimir Putin's Ring of Steel.

The act that gave me so much optimism and hope for ever more thrills was that the International Olympic Committee seemed eager to expand the number of events in the Winter Olympics.

Here's the list of new sports:

  • Ski Halfpipe
  • Ski Slopestyle
  • Snowboard Slopestyle
  • Snowboard Parallel Slalom
  • Women's Ski Jumping
  • Biathlon Mixed Relay
  • Figure Skating Team Event
  • Luge Team Relay

Over the years, I have always thought the IOC was corrupt, incompetent and generally pretty stupid. I give them credit for expanding the Winter games to 98 events in 15 disciplines. There are 98 countries in the Winter Games. And that moves them a little closer to the Summer Olympics where 204 countries participate and there are 302 events.

As could be expected, the IOC left a number of new events out of the Games. In order to help, I've got some suggestions.

Slipping and Falling On The Way To Your Car (Men and Women): The event will have men carrying a carrying a bag of groceries and women holding the hands of two youngsters, no taller than 2.95 feet.

All contestants will also wear shoes with unworn leather soles. Judging for men will be include the number of grocery items falling to the ground, number and severity of injuries and amount of blood spilled. Women will be judge on whether they drag the children to the ground and the number and location of both bruises and scrapes on all three competitors.

Snow and Prolonged Cold Cursing: Each contestant will have 90 seconds to curse the cold and snow. Prior to each performance, a computer will assign a point total to each swear word. "Oh, crap," for example, could be worth one point for one competitor and be worth 15 (the maximum) points to another. There are a lot of variables in this event and luck will play a part.

Snowman Building: Another timed event as each contestant will have six minutes and 30 seconds to build a snowman. A three-level snowman is required. Judging will be based on several factors. On a 10-1 scale, contestants will be graded on diameter of balls. You can almost hear Bob Costas say, "he needs 7.34 inches on top to move into first place." This is one of the few events where men and women will compete on the sale level.

Crack the Whip: Once again men and women compete together. Seven person teams play crack the whip to see who can send the end person furthest. Once released, the end person must coast, no skating is allowed. Any skating move will Draw a penalty of a reduction of 18 inches from the distance total. Any break in handhold will immediately disqualify a team.

Pothole Avoiding: Men and women compete together with a clear advantage to women who are far less aggressive than men. A one mile course will be indiscriminately dotted with potholes that awaits the contender. Each driver will be behind the wheel of the same type car – a brand new Lada Sport. Points are awarded on the number of potholes avoided and the least out of alignment of your front end.

The final event is the one with the most potential for drama. It's the snowball fight/face washing competition.

Two teams of three player each, one woman and two men, will stand only 10 feet from the opposing team and throw snowballs. One point will be awarded for each body hit and two points for each head hit.

After five minutes, a buzzer will sound and the teams will charge each other and attempt to wash the face of an opponent with snow. The field will be 30 feet wide and 16.5 feet deep. Scores will be awarded for avoiding an opponent and time taken to wash the face of all three opponents. The main strategy will be whether men go after women and vice versa.

These may seem a little silly, but adding a bunch of sports with athletes riding skateboards without wheels and saying things like "rad" and "dude" is just as silly.

Talkbacks

Photodavie | Feb. 11, 2014 at 10:11 a.m. (report)

Dave - Snowboarding (not skaeboards w/o wheels) is globally concidered a sport. I know it wasn't around in the 50's (when you were relivent), but most people enjoy or at least appreciate the sport and the athleticism required to compete. PLEASE stick to reviewing plays at the REP and leave EVERYTHING else to talented reporters at OMC.

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