Thank God for the United States of America, and that has nothing to do with the just past Memorial Day Holiday.

The United States, it seems, is the last bastion of good sense while the remainder of this galaxy seems to be holding its collective breath for the first kick of the ball in the 2010 World Cup of Soccer (to distinguish it from the World Cup of Jousting) which begins a week hence in a country that became the last in the world to recognize that black people were actually human beings.

I read something in a Paraguayan newspaper the other day that claimed "The Soccer World Is Frenzied" (El Mundial de Futbol es Frenetic!). First of all, who knew I read Paraguayan newspapers? Secondly, I guess that means that I -- clearly not part of the soccer world -- am decidedly un-frenzied.

I feel like I'm being water boarded until I like soccer and the frenzy is hard to resist.

The South African World Cup, which kicks off just over a week away with a game between the host country and Mexico at 9 a.m. Milwaukee time, is certainly a big deal at ESPN which will televise all 64 games on ESPN, ESPN2 or ABC. The network has spent more for this broadcast than it has ever spent on anything before.

They've also hired real soccer announcers from around the world instead of asking Dan Patrick or Erin Andrews to do the broadcast. I, of course, opt for Dan Patrick and Erin Andrews. Now we can look forward to a rich diet of Efan Ekoku, Ally McOist and Ian Darke.

I can hardly wait for that Algerian match against Slovenia on Sunday, June 13. It starts at 6:30 in the morning. You've heard of that Sunday morning Breakfast at Wimbledon? This is Mottled Bread (a famous Slovenian dish) at Peter Mokaba Stadium. Doesn't have quite the same ring, does it?

That game may have a little attraction though, because both the Slovenian and Algerian teams are in the same group as the United States and England. Wow, huh? And there is a slim chance that the US team can make it into the round of 16 by beating both the Slovaks and Algerians which would be bloody amazing.

My guess is that a few people more than usual will tune in to watch the United States team play England, the team from where the game was invented. But after the Americans get their butts kicked by a team favored to win the whole thing, the casual soccer fan may well return to his grotto.

Everybody always tells me that we are out of step with the rest of the world where soccer is bigger than either organized or disorganized religion. I agree. We are out of step. But that doesn't mean we are wrong.

The reason the rest of the world likes soccer so damn much is that it's really the only game in town. It's like having just one television channel while the other guy has Time Warner cable.

The rest of the world is falling to its worshipful feet in honor of Slovenia's Milivoje Novakovic and the Argentine Coach Maradona. One is a star that nobody has ever heard of and the other is a stomach-stapled, cocaine using, television host who has almost no experience as a coach and is regarded, along with Pele, as the greatest player of the century.

We, on the other hand, are currently engaged with Kobe Bryant, Kevin Garnett, Kyle and Kurt Busch, Danica Patrick, Tiger Woods and Phil Mickelson, Albert Pujols and Ryan Braun. And that's only a single week in June. When you are the only big-time game in town, which pretty much describes soccer in almost every country on earth, then it's easy to get worked up.

Think about it for a minute. In soccer, there are reams of online, television and newspaper coverage of the REFEREES, for God's sake. Referees! The officials are nearly as famous as some of the players. More famous than a lot of them.

I've said it before and I'll say it again. Soccer is fun for the people playing the game but watching it is kind of like watching the movie Titanic. You can't wait for the damn boat to sink and it seems to take forever.

Finally, jingoism may be the biggest reason of all that I'm not excited about the World Cup.

In way too many countries, their national pride is tied up in how their soccer team does. Victory is cause for unleashed celebration. Defeat pushes the button of national depression.

I'm probably more patriotic than most people you know. I stand and put my hand on my heart for the National Anthem. When I said hello to a veteran on Memorial Day, all I had to do was look in the mirror.

But the kind of ultra-patriotism we see in events like the World Cup is both distasteful and, even more, destructive. It is destructive of relationships and of the idea of cooperation. For example, odds are that Ireland will never have anything to do with France again.

So to all of you who are going to show up at bars at 6 a.m., to watch Portugal play North Korea, good luck. I hope you enjoy your World Cup, but don't look for me. I've got way too much great sports to concentrate on to waste my time on this.