The New York Jets needed a miracle last Sunday against Indianapolis, so they tried to replicate Cal vs. Stanford classic known as "The Band Is On the Field! My God! The Band Is On the Field!" play.
It didn’t work.
Because plays like that never work. Other than that one time, of course. Cal-Stanford game, if I recall. And I believe the band was on the field.
Otherwise, those plays never work.
Which got me to thinking. What else in sports simply does not work, but keeps getting tried by people?
Hmm...
Here’s a short list of things I am pretty damn certain, never work. Ever.
Closer by committee: This means you have no closer. Period. Ever heard of a company that has "boss by committee?" No. If you ain’t the man, then nobody is the man.
Coach / general manager: How many teams in both the NBA and the NFL need to try this before they understand it’s a disaster. If this combo worked so well, you would see it in baseball, but nobody tries there. Coaches can only think about being a coach. And GMs think about finding and keeping players.
Icing the kicker: Have you ever heard a kicker who missed a game winner say: "Well, I felt pretty good until that timeout the other team took. Then, a sudden chill came over me. Weird. Can’t explain it."
The Rally Cap: Only children with fourth-grade intelligence believe in the powers of "The Rally Cap." Oops. And baseball players.
Consultants: This applies to consultants outside of sports too. If they were so smart and could fix your problems, why don’t you hire them? Uh huh.
Athlete-restaurants: How many times have you seen a "Joe McGirt’s Roadhouse" open up, only to be gutted for a dry-cleaner six months later?
Influencing referees with your own possession arrow: How many successful cases have there been when a football referee ignored possession on a fumble, and simply awarded the ball to the team with the most guys jumping up and down pointing in their direction?
Male dance teams: I think this one speaks for itself.
Coaches who allow their sons to take over programs: The only exception is John Thompson III taking over at Georgetown, but that included a number of years separation first.
Wives defending their athlete husbands on sports-talk radio: Ask Brenda Warner how this worked out. About the only thing this accomplishes, is making the player look worse, and giving the radio hosts another free month of material.
Tiger-proofing a golf course: Making golf courses harder in order to stop the world’s best player, is like making a physics test longer to slow down Einstein.
Hiring a "player’s coach": Name me the first player’s coach to win a championship? If players really responded to less coaching, then you could just go coach-less and win all the time.
Giving malcontents a "second chance": The stories of a screw-up player, somehow finding the straight and narrow, and going on to a great career are enough to count on one hand.
Appealing a game in baseball: In 99.999% of the cases, this is a great waste of paper. The only notable exception was the pine tar incident with George Brett.
The pre-fight staredown in boxing: What? You think you can scare your opponent into running away to his locker-room at this point? Not likely. Somebody is going to get punched.
Rolling the ball inbounds to save time at the end of basketball games: How many game winning shots occurred just because the point guard let it roll past midcourt?
Plum-bobbing a putt in golf: Holding your putter in front of your face and squinting, does NOT make it a scientific instrument.
Drafting a player because he was a hometown superstar in college: Listen up, GMs. That guy’s friends and family will love you. The rest of the fans will hate you. If you don't believe us, ask Dick Vitale how things worked out when he took Greg Kelser!
It didn’t work.
Because plays like that never work. Other than that one time, of course. Cal-Stanford game, if I recall. And I believe the band was on the field.
Otherwise, those plays never work.
Which got me to thinking. What else in sports simply does not work, but keeps getting tried by people?
Hmm...
Here’s a short list of things I am pretty damn certain, never work. Ever.
Closer by committee: This means you have no closer. Period. Ever heard of a company that has "boss by committee?" No. If you ain’t the man, then nobody is the man.
Coach / general manager: How many teams in both the NBA and the NFL need to try this before they understand it’s a disaster. If this combo worked so well, you would see it in baseball, but nobody tries there. Coaches can only think about being a coach. And GMs think about finding and keeping players.
Icing the kicker: Have you ever heard a kicker who missed a game winner say: "Well, I felt pretty good until that timeout the other team took. Then, a sudden chill came over me. Weird. Can’t explain it."
The Rally Cap: Only children with fourth-grade intelligence believe in the powers of "The Rally Cap." Oops. And baseball players.
Consultants: This applies to consultants outside of sports too. If they were so smart and could fix your problems, why don’t you hire them? Uh huh.
Athlete-restaurants: How many times have you seen a "Joe McGirt’s Roadhouse" open up, only to be gutted for a dry-cleaner six months later?
Influencing referees with your own possession arrow: How many successful cases have there been when a football referee ignored possession on a fumble, and simply awarded the ball to the team with the most guys jumping up and down pointing in their direction?
Male dance teams: I think this one speaks for itself.
Coaches who allow their sons to take over programs: The only exception is John Thompson III taking over at Georgetown, but that included a number of years separation first.
Wives defending their athlete husbands on sports-talk radio: Ask Brenda Warner how this worked out. About the only thing this accomplishes, is making the player look worse, and giving the radio hosts another free month of material.
Tiger-proofing a golf course: Making golf courses harder in order to stop the world’s best player, is like making a physics test longer to slow down Einstein.
Hiring a "player’s coach": Name me the first player’s coach to win a championship? If players really responded to less coaching, then you could just go coach-less and win all the time.
Giving malcontents a "second chance": The stories of a screw-up player, somehow finding the straight and narrow, and going on to a great career are enough to count on one hand.
Appealing a game in baseball: In 99.999% of the cases, this is a great waste of paper. The only notable exception was the pine tar incident with George Brett.
The pre-fight staredown in boxing: What? You think you can scare your opponent into running away to his locker-room at this point? Not likely. Somebody is going to get punched.
Rolling the ball inbounds to save time at the end of basketball games: How many game winning shots occurred just because the point guard let it roll past midcourt?
Plum-bobbing a putt in golf: Holding your putter in front of your face and squinting, does NOT make it a scientific instrument.
Drafting a player because he was a hometown superstar in college: Listen up, GMs. That guy’s friends and family will love you. The rest of the fans will hate you. If you don't believe us, ask Dick Vitale how things worked out when he took Greg Kelser!
Steve is a native Washingtonian and has worked in sports talk radio for the last 11 years. He worked at WTEM in 1993 anchoring Team Tickers before he took a full time job with national radio network One-on-One Sports.
A graduate of UC Santa Barbara, Steve has worked for WFNZ in Charlotte where his afternoon show was named "Best Radio Show." Steve continues to serve as a sports personality for WLZR in Milwaukee and does fill-in hosting for Fox Sports Radio.
