Welcome back, Lord Football!

At our last meeting, confetti was showering the New York Giants in Arizona and New England coach Bill Belicheat had already hotfooted it to the locker room with a bitter-beer-face and time still left on the clock.

Sure it was only one meaningless, salt-in-the-wound second, but still. How sweet it was!

Nice try, Pats. There's always "Next Year." Personally, I think you should still print up those "17-1, Almost Champs, Sort-Of-Perfect Season" T-Shirts. You can put the 'perfect' in "air quotes." Everybody will get it. They'll remember how you tempted the Gods by going for it in Week 17, only to receive their full wrath when it really mattered. Go ahead. Print 'em! They'd look shahp on yah's!

Now that professional tackle football -- a game played for money by men who are just one more set of 400 pound squats in the gym from being psychopathic human mastodons -- has come to claim it's annual Autumnal Throne, I think a quick review of off-season events is in order.

Pac Man Jones was traded to the Cowboys and re-instated by Commissioner Roger Goodell. Amazingly, he didn't have a single run in at a strip club. He has since lobbied to have the media stop calling him "Pac Man." No chance, buster! That sucker is as attached to you as the Pac Man logos you had stitched into the leather head rests in your SUV.

Despite his promise of being "Law and Order Goodell," NFL player crime and malfeasance was at or above all-time levels. This is not my opinion. The San Diego Union-Tribune actually went through all the police reports. Happy days!

Lots of guys got suspended for lots of things, including Chris Henry for a crime that wasn't even prosecuted. The suspension stood. Kevin Faulk got busted for one game for having two cigars laced with weed at a Lil' Wayne concert. And yet amazingly, Jags wide receiver Matt Jones was caught by cops with a lapful of cocaine in his car. He's available for Week 1.

Hell, even Marvin Harrison was under suspicion of being involved in a car wash shootout. YES! That guy! You know, Mr. Quiet! Mr. Score a Touchdown and Hand the Ball to the Official Without Even Signing It First or Shoving It In A DB's Facemask guy! Yeah, HIM! It went nowhere. Move along, people.

Tom Brady and Peyton Manning didn't play a single snap, of a single pre-season game. Only Belichick tried to make it seem like a big deal. I wouldn't sleep on either guy for your fantasy league.

Collectively, the Baltimore Ravens, San Francisco 49ers, and Miami Dolphins tried out 87 different quarterbacks. They have each finally settled on a starter. This will be subject to change. Please stay tuned for updates.

Terrell Owens and Randy Moss didn't act up, act out, or otherwise make a peep. Hmmmm. Strange. What are these guys up to? I'm suspicious.

Chad Ocho Cinco legally ditched his pedestrian last name, "Johnson" for something with more salsa-like flavor! "Now, where's my jersey? Your serve, Mr. Commissioner!"

Ocho was unhappy with the Bengals as early as March and wanted out. The Bengals said, "Oh, you hate this place now? Just wait!" They then proceeded to cut their starting tailback, starting left tackle and starting cornerback. Oh yeah, and they got their starting quarterback's face smashed in a meaningless pre-season game. Welcome to Bengals Land! Still under the same old crappy management!

Greta Van Susteren delivered a crushing, Lorenzo Neal-caliber PR block for her buddy, Brett Favre. Despite a red flag challenge from Ted Thompson, the play stood. Goodbye, Green Bay!

Favre spent a few unsuccessful days trying to convince everybody that he was "thrilled" to be a Jet, even though everybody knows it was his fourth choice. You think he'll retire as a Jet? Ha! The sequel is coming this winter. Be ready.

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