I once saw a local TV report that took a black light into hotel rooms to see how clean they really were. Let me just say this: don't ever do this yourself. The hotels they looked at were no dives, but a seemingly "clean" room to the naked eye, revealed all kinds of rogue stains on bedsheets and hairs not from your head lying around. Instant replay has become the "black light" of football. It is showing us things we would never otherwise notice, and really don't need to see.

When you think about football, it is an incredibly complex game to begin with. So why make it any more arcane than it needs to be? Here are a handful of rules that ought to be junked immediately.

1. Ineligible man downfield on kicks and punts. What, are we afraid of a rash of fake attempts with 300 pound lineman catching touchdown passes? Bring it on.

2. One foot inbounds. I used to hate the thought, because the rule is "Johnny College," but it would eliminate so many disputes on catches, and increase scoring. Sign me up.

3. Eliminate "running into" the kicker, and keep "roughing" the kicker. Like a Supreme Court justice once said about pornography ("I can't define it, but I know it when I see it") calling simple "roughing" or nothing at all makes more sense. If a kicker gets smoked, throw a flag. If he gets nudged, bumped, grazed, clipped, or knocked over then play on. This is football, and they are just kickers for God's sake! Most teams blow through three in a season, anyway.

4. Fewer timeouts, and more restrictions on when you can call them. First off, three first half timeouts is a joke. Each team only needs one, and that's if they are driving for a late score before the break. Most often, first half timeouts either go unused or are wasted by QBs who can't get the play in from the sideline on time. The use of first half timeouts is probably the least significant factor in the outcome of a game. Also, you shouldn't be able to do what the Steelers tried to do to Nedney by calling timeout mere moments before the snap. In basketball, the defense can't call timeout. So why in football can't the defense be forced to call a timeout before a team breaks the huddle? Finally, calling back to back timeouts in the NFL to "ice" the kicker is a colossal waste of time. Ban it.

5. Make sideline "late hits" a 5 yard penalty, not 15. Many of today's players can run a 4.4 second 40 on their tiptoes with less than 4 inches of hashmark showing. Hot pursuit until the play's end is mandatory. Expecting the defense to shut it down and keep the ball carrier upright a mere two feet out of bounds is wholly unrealistic.

#3: Full-time officials.

Again, here's an issue I was adamantly opposed to previously, but with the last two weeks, I can no longer oppose. The refs have permanently forfeited their right to a cushy weekend gig in the NFL (to the tune of $120,000 and up in some cases) while still being able to sell insurance (or give golf lessons) during the week. The standard objection to a "full time" NFL ref was: "What will they do during the week?" We now have an answer. Ron Winter could have gone over eligible and ineligible players submitted by the Giants, and Ron Blum could have brushed up on what plays are reviewable. Full time zebras would also have the effect of weeding out those guys who aren't as serious about the profession. If Ed Hochuli wants to still practice law, he can do so from February through July. Working out the details with his law firm is up to him, not the NFL.

#4: Have the league office start backing its officials more often. This year the Vikings leaked a memo from the NFL that admitted to nine (nine!) Significant officiating mistakes in a Sunday night loss to the Packers. This doesn't do anybody any good. The Vikings are even more bitter, the fans perceive the refs as lousy, and the zebras themselves feel sold down the river. How many mistakes did Tagliabue make when negotiating a new deal with the players union? Maybe the refs should issue a memo on that! And guys like Bill Cowher need to be whacked pretty good in the wallet for his post-game "in your face" with Blum. The NFL needs to send the message to coaches that the refs are not to be confronted, accosted, or even approached following the game. You got a problem. Call the office on Monday. This is not wrestling.

Now, do any of these four proposals to improve the current officiating "crisis" have a snowball's chance in hell of happening? I would say no, judging by Tagliabue's record. Like many other pro sports commissioners, he's merely a CEO, not really a Commish in the traditional sense. Even though the owners vote on instant replay, why can't Tagliabue come out publicly and say he thinks it is hurting the product on the field, and will lobby to have it revoked as soon as possible?

At this rate, we are getting ever closer to what I suggested would end up happening someday anyway with replayniks who can't stand the thought of a wrong call or two. And that is we'll tape the games on Saturday at secure locations, correct mistakes, re-shoot any necessary scenes, and edit out the glitches in post-production. Then we can just roll the tapes on Sunday and act surprised at the outcomes!

I'm begging you Tags, for the good of the sport we all know and love like none other: wield your power, ruffle some feathers, and do what you are supposed to do. Lead.

And let the chips fall where they may.