Type ‘mail-order brides' into Google and you will get a surprisingly large number of options. Asian, Brazilian, Russian, Ukrainian or even Canadian; take your pick; there are women from all over the world willing to marry an American man for the sake of a green card.
Each hopeful bride has a profile, usually accompanied by a come-hither photo and a run down of her age, religious preference, hobbies, measurements and more. You can look up women based on their profession, their zodiac sign and, of course, their country of origin.
Some of these sites even offer mass tours of your preferred country so you and numerous other single men can pick and choose your way through the local beauties. These sites also include instructions on how to obtain a fiancée visa for the new ‘love of your life.'
Prior to the Internet, mail-order husbands could peruse the pages of catalogs filled with sexy photos and profiles of potential brides, because choosing someone to spend your life with should be just like picking out a coffee table from Ikea.
Perhaps it's because I don't really believe in love at first sight -- and I definitely don't believe in love at first email -- that I find it so incredibly difficult to deem that this method of marriage works.
It is interesting to note that, based largely on data provided by the mail-order agencies themselves, the United States Citizen and Immigration Services provides this information on their website: "marriages arranged through these services would appear to have a lower divorce rate than the nation as a whole, fully 80 percent of these marriages having lasted over the years for which reports are available." The USCIS also reports that "mail-order bride and e-mail correspondence services result in 4,000 to 6,000 marriages between U.S. men and foreign brides each year."
Mosat of the dating sites do not mention this little-known fact: in 2006, former President George W. Bush signed the International Marriage Broker Regulation Act as part of the Violence Against Women and Department of Justice Reauthorization Act of 2005. This law was put in place to try to protect mail-order brides from potential abuse by their American husbands by requiring mail-order husbands to present background information about their criminal and mental health.
The Act came into being when Congress responded to claims by the Tahirih Justice Center (TJC), a woman's advocacy group, "that mail-order brides were vulnerable to domestic abuse because they are unfamiliar with the laws, language and customs of their new home."
These women are strangers in a strange land and likely have few if any friends or anyone they could confide in if they are experiencing abuse. Many are unaware that in the United States women do not have to put up with abuse physically, mentally, emotionally or sexually from their husbands or anyone else.
One can only imagine not being an English speaker, unaccustomed to the laws and culture of our country, brought here to marry a total stranger who controls your every step. What a terrifying and lonely place this could be.
Although I find this to be a sad practice, from the perspective of these women, I understand their desperation. I've watched documentaries about women living in places like Ukraine, a relatively desolate place where many young women strive only to escape.
In countries like the Ukraine and Russia, most women marry by the age of 23 and many of the men there refuse to marry a woman much older than that. If these women want a family, want financial security, they have to look to men from the United States to essentially rescue them from their unhappy state of affairs.
Some of these women face no economic hope if they aren't married in their society. They can't find any job except prostitution. In some of these cultures, they are dependent upon their parents (who aren't pleased about that prospect) until their parents die and then on their brothers (and sisters-in-law) who may be even more unhappy about it and more prone to abuse them.
It's sad but this is the reality for many young women around the world and they are willing to do whatever and whoever it takes to better their situations.
What I don't understand is the man's perspective; why would anyone want to buy the ‘love' of their wife? She is with you because her native country has too little to offer her and you look like a big ticket to financial security and American citizenship. Is it because you think she'll feel she owes you? I would think it would feel a bit pathetic, parading your new wife whom you met on the internet and agreed to marry without ever meeting face to face around your family, friends and coworkers. I can tell you right now, they will think you are creepy and she is a gold digger. That's not just my take on it; that's how our society sees these types of relationships.
This additional information from the USCIS clears up a bit of my confusion over why a man would choose this route of relationship. "Most of the personal reports from American men who have married women through these agencies talk about ‘traditional values.' That is, American women are thought not content to be wives and mothers but seek personal satisfaction through their own careers and interests, while the foreign woman is happy to be the homemaker and asks for nothing more than husband, home, and family."
So the men that marry mail-order brides are basically just pissed and frustrated they can't find women in America lacking in any ambition or personal interests and who want nothing more than to pop out children and wash socks for the rest of their lives. Well that's truly a love story for the ages. Give me a break. She's marrying you because the prospect of poverty, slavery and prostitution was her other option.
Buying the affections of another isn't that unique. It's the act of flying someone in from another country and marrying her because you can't find love or receive affection from the millions of women in your own country that pushes it over the edge of questionable.
What kind of person would be comfortable not only dating but marrying someone knowing full well they have an ulterior motive? These men are seeking situations where they are totally dominant. Why else would one seek a woman who is totally dependent upon you, not just financially but socially, legally ... everything?!
It seems just this side of prostitution. You're exchanging a green card for security, marriage and sex. It should be considered a form of human trafficking. However, because these women are not ‘bought' or ‘sold' for a specific amount of money other than whatever fee the agency charges to post a profile, it's not considered prostitution or trafficking under the law, rather it's basically the same thing as Match.com or any other dating service.
Though it's not technically prostitution this concept comes with a real ick factor. It seems odd that a man from the United States would feel the need to marry a woman from a foreign country not out of love, but because he wants a submissive domestic lover or he thinks it's really exotic that his wife's name is Natasha and she's from Russia. I find it amusing that the mail-order bride industry prefers to refer to themselves as the ‘international correspondence service." After all, they wouldn't want to cheapen this concept.
It's difficult to blame these women for wanting to escape lives that have so little to offer them. In a perfect world I would hope they could find other options. But it would certainly make me question the motives and the state of mind of any man that feels their only chance for marriage is with someone from half way around the world whom they've never even met.
I believe in love from any and all corners of the world. I just don't believe in love for the sake of controlling another person.
No, the OnMilwaukee.com sex columnist's real name is not Sarah Foster. (Foster is the model/actress that played an ex-lover of Vincent Chase in the first season of "Entourage.") In reality, our sex columnist is a Wisconsin native with a degree in journalism and a knack for getting people to talk to her.
Sarah never considered herself an "above average" listener. Others, however, seem to think differently. Perhaps she has a sympathetic tone or expression that compels people to share their lives and secrets with her despite how little they know her. Everyone from the girl that does her hair to people in line at the grocery store routinely spill the details of their lives and relationships to Sarah, unprompted but typically not unwanted. It’s strange to her that people would do this, but she doesn’t mind. Sarah likes that she can give advice even if it is to complete strangers.
So why the pseudonym? Simple. People tell Sarah these things because for some reason they trust her. They believe she cares and therefore will keep their secrets in a locked vault the same way a best friend or therapist would. Sarah won't name names, but that vault is now unlocked.
