For decades Milwaukee has been a whipping boy for all those state legislators who aren’t from Milwaukee.

Issue after issue has always been a case of us versus them. But things have reached a fever pitch now.

Maybe it has something to do with Scott Walker and his cohorts feeling like bullies, but whatever the reason, Madison is beating up Milwaukee. From residency to streetcars to the county board, those people in Madison have their sights set on us and it’s every man for himself.

We are trying to fight back, but it’s not going too well. Tom Barrett talks loudly but he doesn’t have a real big stick.

So, what we need to do is find a way to fight back, something that will scare the crap out of some Republican from Bonduel or Abbotsford or even Mequon.

So here we go: The Weapons of War.

No More Tickets

Nobody from outside the county gets to go to Brewers or Bucks games. I know it’s going to hurt the teams a little bit, but they have to sacrifice for the greater good. Let’s see how those lawmakers like it when they have to explain to kids in their district why the field trip to see a game has been cancelled.

But this is not just about sports. They can’t get tickets to the amazing array of entertainment options offered by the biggest city in the state. While we are watching Tony Bennett at the Marcus Center, they can spend their money for tickets to see Meatloaf at the local high school gym.

Go another way

Milwaukee is a thoroughfare for lots of people. If you live south and want to go north, you go through Milwaukee. If you live north and want to go south (like Chicago) you go through Milwaukee. Not anymore. We are going to close our borders to anyone who looks like they are going to drive though. Find some other route where you can use more gas, take more time and not be able to speed.

So long, Santiago

The Calatrava, designed by Santiago Calatrava, is a mecca for art lovers and for anyone who likes to see something both beautiful and amazing. If you aren’t from Milwaukee, better get a post card. You will not be able to see it in person and you can’t attend any of the countless meetings that are held there. Instead you will be stuck going to the Mustard Museum where it’s free to get in, but you have to pay to get out.

Here comes the sheriff

Sheriff David A. Clarke will patrol the borders on his horse. If he sees an out of county car, he will have orders to shoot. We will pretend that he gave the order himself so he doesn’t think it’s somebody else’s idea. This should scare the daylights out of people who don’t live here. As a matter of fact, it should scare the daylights out of people who do live here, too.

Arrivederci, auf wiedersehen, pozegnanie, farewell festivals

Festa Italiana, German Fest, Polish Fest, Summerfest and all the other fests. Forget it. People from around the state come to Milwaukee for our festivals. Ethnic groups, like the Swedes from St. Germain, rent buses and bring huge crowds for a day of summer delight. Not any more. Off limits. You can go to your Crazy Mazomanie Day celebration and watch the tractor pull before you go home.

So now our quiver is full. It may or may not keep these bullies from taking out their jealousies on us. But so far they’ve just run us over. Now, at the very least, they’ll know they are in for a real fight.