Well it was fun while it lasted. Jordan being a variation of sweet. Krystal dropping the villain act and the ASMR voice. Chris R. and the redemption tour. The old villains of "Bachelor in Paradise" all reverted back to their old ways Tuesday night – and all I know is there will be hell to pay for breaking KENNY!'s heart. (He defended your honor at a luchador match; ISN'T THAT WORTH SOMETHING!?)

Oh, and I also know that you have to "move with the cheese." Yeah, I don't know either. Metaphors really took a beating last night.

But before all of that drama, we've got to wrap up the Colton and Becca nonsense from the night before. I expected Colton to bail after the emotional whirlwind of the past few days, getting slapped down by Tia for not knowing what he wants then his ex Becca showing up to just some extra salt into that wound. But apparently a free vacation surrounded by attractive people is just too hard to pass up, because after his chat with Becca – in which he asks if Tia changed her mind the day she kicked him off, and she says nope, she just didn't like him enough – he decides to stay. He gets his closure, while Chris R. gets to make a legitimate boo-boo face. Sorry pal. 

But when one drama ends, another drama begins – and with pink hair. Jenna arrives on the beach, claiming that I know her from Arie's season of "The Bachelor." Lady, I evacuated that season as far out of my brain as I possibly could when it ended, so no, I don't remember you. She's looking forward to deep, intellectual conversations and meeting the right guy ... and also she says she's an alien. Somebody's been listening to Katy Perry's "E.T." waaaay too much.

Apparently Jordan is into that, though, because he is STRUCK by her. He thinks she's beautiful, and they both like that they can talk about serious dramatic issues but also make sure one another's hair looks good. The important things, you know? Jordan is so lovestruck that he's struggling to find words, which is like Van Gogh struggling to find paint, and he even does a little gasping heart grab. Yes, he's also dating Annaliese right now, but Jenna could, like, GET HIM, you know? Because Jordan is indeed a complex emotional butterfly of complicated depths, a puzzle wrapped in an enigma wrapped in golden underwear. 

So of course Jordan gets her date card, sending him, Jenna and the booty censor box all on a romantic ride on the beach on horseback. And yes, of course Jordan is very into horses – even when his steed decides to venture off the trail for a second to nibble on some tasty-looking ferns. Even that crab from episode one this season shows up to show his approval of their beachside makeout session, because the "Bachelor in Paradise" editors know who the REAL star of this show is. 

Meanwhile, back with the rest of the cast, everyone's very happy that Jordan and Jenna seem perfect for each other. Kenny says that, as soon as he saw her, he became the heart-eye emoji, and I think we can all agree they seem to have fallen off the some branch of the crazy tree. Is there something we're forgetting? Oh yeah, Annaliese is still there – and still thinking that her and Jordan are an item. Oh boy. Bumper car trauma is going to have nothing on douchebag boyfriend trauma. 

I'll give points to Jordan for this: When he comes back from his date with Jenna, he takes Annaliese aside to tell her that he's found someone else and that she should seek out other guys. That actually counts as chivalrous on this show, as opposed to trying to drag along three different people at once, COLTON! Or, at least, it would count as chivalrous if Jordan didn't Jordan all over the conversation, shooting the concept of tact in the face and AGGRESSIVELY telling Annaliese that he and Jenna are AWESOME together, and that "I'm saving room for you if it doesn't work out with her." Truly the words every girl wants to hear. Nevermind, Jordan; points revoked. 

With every Jordan plot line, however, there comes a Chicken Man appearance. These two still can't get enough of trolling one another, to the point that I think they'll only ever be happy if they spend the rest of their lives together. They're clearly meant for each other. But in the meantime, David brings a cake over to Jenna because it's her birthday and JORDAN IS DISPLEASED BECAUSE DAVID NEVER BRINGS HIM CAKE HE LIKES JENNA. The three share an awkward five minutes together before David decides he's annoyed Jordan enough for the night, and Jordan starts talking in the third person and claiming David isn't Mr. Rogers. Nobody wants to be his neighbor. No, HE is Mr. Rogers. Meanwhile, the ACTUAL Mr. Rogers is almost certainly going off like a drill bit in his grave right now. Oh, Jordan also angrily tosses some cake by the ocean. Real missed opportunity for a DNCE needledrop there, "Bachelor" producers. 

As for the rest of the cast, "Bachelor in Paradise" keeps trying to make jokes with Yuki, Wells' bartending second-in-command, but it just comes off like the show thinks it's funny that she's foreign. NOT GREAT. And speaking of not great, Ashley and Eric hang out a bit, with Eric trying out a very awkward little shoulder touch on her and then sampling the EXTREMELY awkward move of asking for a hug but then going in for a kiss. You don't ask for a quarter and take a dollar! Thankfully, the show quickly cut away for a news break because politics was breaking out – marking the only time I've ever been thankful for politics. 

After that little real-world intermission, another new arrival shows up: Caroline, who I vaguely remember being around all of the drama in Arie's season without actually being a part of it. She's very nervous to be there, barely able to read her date card and making whatever the opposite of sparks is with Chris R. She tries hanging out with Grocery Joe to see if he's a match, but bails quickly to find the bathroom. At some point, though, she runs into John, and though the two are awkward, they also hit it off a bit. Because who wouldn't want to hit it off with some rich programmer genius with a secret six-pack and a nice personality? So she takes him on her date. 

Meanwhile, I think Grocery Joe is still waiting for her to come back from the bathroom.

The two go on their date – and because they never got to have much of a personality on their respective seasons, the producers just send the two out for dinner instead of something fun or clever. But apparently they set their table up in a damn petting zoo, because the entire animal kingdom keeps interrupting them. First there's a cat chasing a frog. (Oh boy, that frog is for sure dead.) Then there's a dog. Then a cat. Then probably an alpaca and a platypus. THIS IS WHY YOU DON'T GO OUT TO EAT AT NOAH'S ARK. Finally, after all of creation wanders past their dinner table, the two have some peace and quiet and HA JUST KIDDING SUMMON THE MARIACHI BAND. Somehow, the two end the date happy and in love. 

But of course that can't last because, for a show about finding love, "Bachelor in Paradise" does everything in its power to wreck whatever love story you've got cooking. So Jubilee, the former military member from Ben's season, drops by and hits it off quickly with John. Because why wouldn't you want to hit it off with John? The two have an interesting chat about how they felt on their first "Bachelor" experiences, feeling odd and out of place a bit because they're not the standard, homecoming king, chiseled jaw, Miss America, white bread the show typically casts. It's a mildly fascinating chat – and a cute little ice-breaker conversation.

The two seem to have more chemistry than John and Caroline – though that doesn't stop Caroline from being jealous. Bibiana tells her that she'll have to be more aggressive – and thankfully Caroline doesn't smack Jubilee over the head with a glass bottle, but instead just pulls John aside and cuddles with him. But she'll have to be more aggressive than that because Jubilee comes over, offers John her date card and he accepts ... right in front of her. Womp. Caroline then says that she hopes they're having a bad time – which you should never say on this show, because the next shot is guaranteed to be the person you love having the time of their life with someone else. Which is exactly what happens here, with John and Jubilee zip-lining across the island and having a blast. Sorry Caroline. 

Could be worse, though. Could be poor KENNY!, who creates this adorable candle-lit beach set-up for Krystal only for her to break the news that she's moving much slower than him in this relationship. HOW DARE YOU BREAK KENNY'S HEART! While he licks his wounds and elaborates on an odd cheese metaphor with Eric, Krystal decides now would be a great time to hang out with Chris R. – who apparently got tired of his redemption tour act as well and figures he'll make out with Krystal. And then brag about it all the next day. A great move when you're trying to date somebody – say, Tia! – who has people close by with an interest in her happiness – say, Colton!

Colton breaks the news to Tia that Chris R. is, in fact, still a douchebag, and she heads off to confront him. See, this is what happens when you date somebody who tries to give himself a nickname like Goose. Dude's about to get plucked. Stay tuned for that next week – and to see if Caroline ever comes back from the bathroom for Grocery Joe.