"Bachelor in Paradise" recap: Double trouble in just one hour
Can we just appreciate that this was the first and only week of "Bachelor in Paradise" with no talk of DeMario and Corinne? Jeez guys, it only took you pretty much the entire season. No wonder these two episodes seemed more enjoyable than usual. And Tuesday night's entry was only an hour!? It must be my birthday!
After filling in the audience about what they already know about the couples in "Paradise," Dominique tells the camera, "I can't see anybody coming in and breaking up what's going on." And because the show is about as nuanced and subtle as the screaming murder clown from "It," that means somebody's showing up in literally the next shot to ruin everything. Cue Jaimi from Nick's season with a date card – and since she's openly bisexual, that means everybody on the beach is open game and anything could happen.
But anything doesn't happen. After briefly taking Christen aside – more to ask her where everyone else is at in the cast than to see about a date – Jaimi predictably chooses Diggy for her date card. And after a long pause, Diggy agrees, much to Dominique's chagrin.
A question: Why would you ever NOT take a date card? For most of this show, it seems like you're stuck on this same small beach with the same dozen people, ordering drinks from the same bar and the same bartender; why would you not take the opportunity to explore the country you're briefly calling home – and for free!? Yes, it's technically a "date" and "about finding love," but half of the moves on this show are just heartless strategy anyways to make sure you get to stay on vacation. And Dom, of everybody, should know that considering just last night she went on a blast of a day trip spinning on boats, zip-lining and bouncing around on inflatables with Fred only to give him the heave-ho later that same day at the rose ceremony. More people need to be just here having fun on this show. I miss Alexis; she would've taken every date card and lost her damn mind going nuts on each one.
Anyways, Diggy and Jaimi have a very cozy date grabbing food at a nice little Mexican restaurant, talking openly and comfortably about ethnicity and sexuality. This has to be the first time a "Bachelor" TV show has featured a date between a black man and an openly bisexual woman, right? Considering there's never been a black "Bachelor," that pretty much has to be the case – but even just between a black person and openly bisexual person? That's gotta be a first. So that's low-key a nice moment for diversity.
Back on the beach, Dean-Lo/Deanielle are finally happy and able to comfortably pursue their feelings for one another with no drama or other people involved. SURELY NOTHING WILL RUIN THAT IN LITERALLY THE NEXT SHOT.
Oh, look at that, it's the twins, Haley and Emily, saying, "They're back," in a way that only 100 percent reminds me of "The Shining." Of course, the two have their eyes set on Dean and Derek, the two most drama-inducing choices they could pick. Chris Harrison gives them a double-date card and warns them that they don't have much time to make something happen – a weird thing to say, basically encouraging them to break up the relationships on the show in record time. What a terrible TV love pimp you are, Harrison. Meanwhile, the twins call themselves "a national treasure." "National Treasure: Book of Secrets" maybe! (terrible joke, I'm so sorry, I'm getting it removed, why won't it go away).
The two get the lowdown from Amanda on who's dating who and who's still available, while also making fun of Christen aka Scallop Fingers one more time – but people who think scallops are vegetables probably shouldn't throw stones. The twins also make fun of the weirdness of having a man dressed as a penguin and a guy named Tickle Monster (good joke), as well as talk about the differences between their vaginas (bad joke). The important thing Amanda warns, though, is that Derek and Dean are pretty much off limits, as one's in a heavy relationship and the other is just now finally not being a f*ckboi (to use Dom's all-too-accurate phrasing).
Haley politely doesn't actively pursue Derek and instead goes to JACK!! STONE!!, one of the few cast members on the beach not emphatically tied down with somebody. Emily, meanwhile, will not let go of Dean. Remember a few hundred words ago when I asked, "Why would you ever turn down a date card?" "Being an ass for several episodes, attempting to redeem yourself and avoiding ruining yet another relationship with a beautiful woman" is a fine answer to that question. Miraculously, Dean finds a spine and turns Emily down – not just once but twice, even when she comes back with D-Lo's "permission" (aka she said it was up to Dean, not that it was actually OK) to go on the date. Good for you, Dean; there's the Dean we liked from Rachel's season.
Unfortunately, his rejection causes the twins' collective brain to snap, as the two call the rest of the women on the beach "shallow ugly whores" and mock the idea of asking Tickle Monster out on a date. Ladies, he's delightful – and he's a doctor. HOW DARE YOU!? Emily offers the date up to him in spite, but it ends being for naught because JACK!! STONE!! bails literal minutes before they leave. I'd normally say it's extremely poor form to cancel on a date – even if Jack's trying (and failing) to be a good person and follow through with Christen, the woman who gave him a rose just the night before – but the twins are so rude and shrill that it's impossible to be sympathetic to them.
Emily and Haley rage off the beach, and while I previously said they couldn't throw stones, they do end up throwing scallops at everyone – while Robby hilariously yells, "But I didn't do anything," through the middle of a seafood hailstorm. JACK! STONE! (downgraded because of cancelling on a date) tops everything off with a solid "Frozen" burn, and overall, as far as terrible TV involving terrible people goes, it's pretty amusing.
Best of all, it's short-lived – a nice, clean hour at max and done. Now, the show can focus its last day in paradise (WOO!) on the several fledgling couples on the beach and which ones will survive the trip back to the mainland – you know, instead of lingering on some overhyped, overplayed, exhaustingly dragged-out drama that ... oh, what's that, Scenes From Next Week's Episode? DeMario and Corinne are back to talk more? FETCH ME MY THROWING SCALLOPS!
First the twins' minds were gone, then they were gone. Only lasting less than an hour on "Bachelor in Paradise" has to be some kind of record, right?
Apparently, after weeks of skipping episodes because of excuses like "in another country" and "death cold," Madre Mueller will hop back on the bandwagon for the finale to see how everything wraps up. BUT WE'LL SEE IF THE BANDWAGON ALLOWS YOU ON. Sorry, but my +1 on that ride may be occupied by the therapist helping me cope with my sudden ABANDONMENT ISSUES.
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