"The Bachelor" Rose Rundown: "The Bachelorette" mercifully steals the spotlight
Is it possible ABC and the producers of "The Bachelor" are just as ready for this season to be over and done with as we are? That's the vibe I got during last night's very peculiar episode of television and gossip, where the biggest story coming from "The Bachelor" didn't happen on "The Bachelor" – or have anything to do with "The Bachelor."
For those who weren't paying attention last night, ABC impressively spoiled its own show by announcing on "Jimmy Kimmel Live" that fan favorite and MU Law School alum Rachel would be the next Bachelorette, a predictable development – and a delightful one, considering the show's history of diversity ... which is to say no history. By the time of the announcement, however, the poor guys actually delivering the news (Kimmel and Chris Harrison) were seemingly the last people on Earth to do so, as most publications already confirmed the rumor – in the middle of the show, at that. I've seen rockslides with smoother rollouts.
So this means Rachel must have gone home last night, right? NOPE!
Despite the entire nation knowing Rachel ends this season single, by the end of the new episode, she was still in the running for Nick – as well as one of the few people to summon some chemistry with the sleepy stud (honestly, do we have proof he doesn't fall asleep at the end of all of his sentences?). It almost broke my heart to see the two have fun, flirty banter on a casual, normal date – almost like a casual, normal couple – knowing that they're destined to fail. Hey "The Bachelor": If I wanted to watch several hours of a doomed couple being cute with the rusted remains of a old busted-up ship in the background, I'd watch "Titanic" again.
On the topic of ship wreckage, that's where Nick – after tearfully deciding to not cut this season short due to his confused "Bachelor" ineptitude, much to the chagrin of EVERY HUMAN BEING ON THE PLANET – took Vanessa for their one-on-one date. Because nothing screams romance like a dilapidated dead ship covered in graffiti that probably smells like rust, seaweed and broken dreams.
The real broken dreams, however, came later when, during dinner, Vanessa busted out the L-word: lesbian lesbians love. And Nick, being the seasoned wordsmith that he is, responded with a big, loud, dumb silence and some clunky speech about how he doesn't want to overuse that word or use it when he's not sure he means it. So ... he just likes her, making America's favorite Canadian not named Justin Trudeau pretty embarrassed and confused about why she put her heart out there only for Nick to politely swat it away with his smiling, dumb, empty handsome guy face.
Thus concludes the latest chapter of "Nick's A Big Dumb Dummy And Probably The Worst Bachelor Contestant Ever." We'll get through a few more chapters of that before this episode ends too.
Off to the group date – more accurately called a three-on-one now that we're down to so few women. Corinne, Kristina and Raven were all selected for the boat trip, featuring a concerned mom's worth of sunscreen being lathered onto the contestants and a swim with sharks that unfortunately didn't end with Corinne reenacting "Open Water."
Instead, it ends with a "frustrated and bloated" Corinne spiraling further into her own crumpling ego because she's never gotten a solo date not involving a bouncy house – and plus Kristina got all the Nick time on their date and Raven, for reasons the editors decided not to show America, got the lone date rose this week. She'll attempt to amend this later in the episode ... that's right; we're almost at "vagine is platinum" o'clock.
First, however, Nick goes on a solo date with Danielle M., definitely a fan favorite and an early pick as a winner. But boy did Nick make those predictions – and himself – look foolish! Meandering and dancing around the scenic world of Bimini, the two attempt try to chat about the impending hometown dates, but their conversations are even more awkward and stilted than the average conversation on this show – an impressive feat. This is what happens when you bring up Wisconsin on "The Bachelor": Chemistry DIES.
Even though their beachside convo wasn't the most scintillating – mostly because no conversation with Nick can be scintillating – Danielle M.'s still certain she's falling for Nick. So during the dinner date portion of the night, she gets as close as possible to busting out the L-word (without actually ever saying the L-word) while tearfully talking about how the last person she loved died, and how that understandably made it hard for her to open up again ... but she feels she's able to do that with Nick now.
So Nick breaks up with her and ships her off the show.
Someone, for the sake of love and decency, mercy-kill this season please.
Nick's not done purging himself of the delightful, perfect women with emotionally complicated backstories, however! At the end of the episode, instead of wasting time with a rose ceremony (Nick must desperately hate rose ceremonies) Nick decides to take Kristina aside and give her the heave-ho for reasons that never quite make sense – and not only because every person watching was expecting Rachel, the confirmed new Bachelorette, to make her dismount from this misery. But nope, it's Kristina, who fires off some final pointed questions about her dismissal before devastatingly gathering her things and getting the hell off this show.
So here we are, going into the hometown dates without two of the fans' favorites and with one woman every sentient being hates, one woman who guaranteed can't win because she's "The Bachelorette," one woman that got her L-word slapped down ... and Raven, who's slowly turning into the Whitney (who?) of the final four. I think we're in for a pretty miserable final few episodes.
No wonder ABC's trying to distract you with "The Bachelorette" now.
Poor, sweet Kristina and Poor, sweet Danielle M. I mean, come on, Nick; haven't they both suffered enough? Then again, every time a woman leaves this show, I'm so happy for her, so maybe they're getting off light.
I'm not emotionally prepared for Corinne to end up winning this season, and you know what, that's exactly what this miserable, stupid season of television and its driftwood protagonist deserve. Enjoy your cheese pasta in hell, you two.
The Arkansas native got the lone date rose this week. For what, we shall never know. Most of her group date seemed focused on Corinne complaining and Kristina getting all the attention. So what does Raven have going for her other than a Southern drawl and the pun-sibilities of "That's So Raven" jokes? No clue. This season's been nightmare garbage.
There's a TREMENDOUS chance that this season will end with Nick just as single – and possibly just as hated – as he did when we started it. It's been previewed this entire year, as he tearfully complains about how bad he is at being "The Bachelor" and how he's so bad at making true emotional connections. I'm willing to bet that the final episode features him convincing himself that he hasn't actually fallen in love and then just sending everyone home before thoughtfully staring into a fire, realizing that he will now be 0-4 on finding love on television.
ABC's tried four times to get you married, Nick, and it hasn't worked. You're objectively bad at this, and you need to breakup from this show – for our sake and yours. Bumble's free. Tinder's free. Move on.
I know several "Bachelor" bloggers have made a living spoiling the show, but I never imagined ABC would start getting into the act! Their "historic announcement" last night was as cool as it was confusing for those watching the show – not only because Rachel was still around by the end, but also because Nick and Rachel are REALLY good together. Their date – just hanging around Bimini – was so sweet and relaxed and chill, and the two seem to have actual conversation. They even talked about the race thing, which has to be the first time "The Bachelor" has meaningfully addressed race and relationships within the show.
Of the remaining contestants, she's definitely the one I'm most rooting for to win – and now I know she most certainly won't.
Poor Vanessa seems like she's been kicked around this season. Despite being one of the best contestants from day one, she's had to confront Nick about the Corinne drama (which he ignored), deal with that terrible volleyball game last week, seem overtly uncomfortable with Nick's romantic clutziness – and now this week deal with having her love proclamation fall on deaf ears. She might just still win this season – but really, after all of this, is it really winning?
Oh hi, Wisconsin!
Two Sconnie references on tonight's episode, both during Nick's date with Danielle M. talking about heading back home for the hometown dates next week. And then she was planted in an SUV and sent off the show. Wisconsin talk does not equal a successful aphrodisiac, as it turns out.
I was about to just drop the white flag ... but then I discovered that I went three-for-four in my predictions about the final four (dammit, Danielle M.; you let me down). That's gotta be worth something, eh, ABC Bachelor Fantasy League commissioner? Like ... 274,591 points or so?
Line of the night
WE GOT IT!
In an attempt to woo Nick and cement her place in his heart, Corinne drops by Nick's hotel room for a late night rendezvous, busting out her slinkiest outfit, her stiletto-iest heels and her most metallic come-on: "My heart may be gold, but my vagine is platinum."
USA! USA! USA!
And while yes, I popped a long-gestating bottle of champagne when Corinne cracked off that masterpiece of terrible sexy talk, the actual scene and scenario was ... kind of a letdown. The two wandered into his bedroom and engaged in some light flirtatious talk behind closed doors before Nick, learning at least one lesson from old dating reality shows, shut the night down to avoid drama. It was a whole lotta metal-vagine talk for a whole lotta nothing. Corinne was clearly shook, though, as she hilariously strutted right past the hotel's automatic door for the manual door further away.
That's right: When it finally came time for The Line of Dreams, it got overshadowed by a door.
Let me tell you who loves Bimini: Madre Mueller, that's who! After a few shots of the beautiful island vistas, she noted, "I want to go there ... where is it?" (no one tell her about the map screen that popped up during last night's episode).
And let me tell you who hates Nick: Madre Mueller, that's who! After complaining about his emotionless vocal inflection, she snapped at Nick after sending Danielle M., saying, "You don't do that to a fellow Wisconsinite!" No arguments here, Madre.
Meanwhile, when Corinne complained about not getting a one-on-one, my mom responded with an eye roll and the statement that "Corinne already got an on-on-on when she was on top of Nick in the bumpy house." I don't really know what means except for that it's official: Watching this season has broken my mother.
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