"The Bachelor" Rose Rundown: The L word and the big O
Was there actually an episode of "The Bachelor" last night?
See, for the past month or two, my Monday night routine has been the same: watch "The Bachelor" for two hours, drink heavily until I forget everything I've just had to witness, pass out, wake up and then try to write a recap through my Fireball-fogged memory. Other than my deteriorating liver and mental state, it's a process that's been working quite well so far.
But for some reason, I don't remember any of last night's episode, and I'm pretty confident it's not alcohol's fault. Hold on ...
*calls up "The Bachelor" recording on DVR; quickly watches episode*
Oh, OK, I see what happened now; it was a garbage episode that was half the usual running time but still barely managed to fill the hour with any notable happenings.
Listen, "The Bachelor" producers, I know this season's been the all-caps WORST – and I never in my wildest dreams thought I'd be complaining about getting less of "The Bachelor" – but you still have to finish your job. You still have to put in the effort and deliver regular episodes each week, not just throw together a rose ceremony – which featured Nick keeping the women out in the breezy New York City night, while he chatted with his ex-girlfriend Andi because NICK IS THE WORST – plus some Raven footage, and save editing the second hour of the show for next week when you're not hungover from Oscars parties.
Like Raven in apparently all of her bedroom encounters, I left very unsatisfied.
So if "The Bachelor" delivers just half of its weekly episode, I think it's only fair I deliver half of my weekly episode recap. Jumping into the kooky categories right away now!
Corinne. And I never thought I would say this, but the girl deserved better.
For all of her being the worst-ness, Corinne was the energetic, crazy spark plug this otherwise-lemon of a season needed, starting beef with everyone, bringing out random bouncy castles, juggling boobs in the name of maturity and much, much more. She even made sleeping – being freaking unconscious – a dramatic, goofy act.
And now the show just dismisses her in the first half of its most forgettable episode. What a waste. There was no real drama, no big lead-up. It just happened, and the show – and its viewers – had to move right along like she was only some random hanger-on that we didn't know. Wendy got a bigger, more dramatic goodbye, and I JUST REMEMBERED HER NAME WAS ACTUALLY WHITNEY, NOT WENDY.
At least Corinne got a bomb-ass limo rant about never trying to go too far to impress a man anymore. See, this was all a wonderful learning experience.
Rachel's gonna be on "The Bachelorette." ABC's airing barely hour-long episodes. Now Nick's announced he'll be on the next season of "Dancing with the Stars." With everyone else jumping ship on this season, why can't we?
I hope you like Raven, because you got a lot of her – and just her – last night. Probably more than I needed too. The two had a fun cute date in Finland, playing darts and interacting with the locals. Then they had a Very Important And Meaningful Chat by a fireplace, and it was warm and lovely – and the perfect place for Raven to finally bust out the L word she wanted to on the hometown date. It was cute, and completely not reciprocated by Nick. I know he's not wanting to say "love" himself because there's two other women, but it just makes the whole scene much more sad and awkward than the show intends. She just dumped her heart out and said the L word for the first time to a man, and Nick just gives her a nice hug.
Wait: Raven never said "I love you" to another man before? Not even the one she beat up? She beat up a dude she didn't even love with a stiletto?! Oh man, Nick, be careful. If you don't pick her, she might John Wayne Bobbitt your ass.
Another week, another episode spent wondering why "The Bachelorette" reveal happened already. At least there were almost no delightful Rachel scenes to ruin this episode.
After the past week or so, I could see Nick picking Vanessa, and Vanessa being like, "Nah, this has been an exhausting nightmare mess, and I don't know if you feel the same way as I do." And she wouldn't be in the wrong.
Also: There was a shot of Vanessa during this episode where she looked astonishingly like Ariana Grande from 10 years in the future. She may be secretly our first time-traveling contestant on "The Bachelor."
Oh hi, Wisconsin!
None. Not one. Though Nick and Raven did go to Finland, which looked like chillier, frostier Wisconsin. Also more reindeer.
In memoriam: Corinne
Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road ...
Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go ...
So make the best of this test and don't ask why ...
It's not a question, but a lesson learned in time ...
It's something unpredictable, but in the end is right ...
I hope you had the time of your life ...
See you on "Bachelor in Paradise," Corinne.
Line of the night
Corinne screeching "Why can't I just have a normal relationship?!" in the middle of her limo speech was pretty delightful. Girl, if you wanted a normal relationship, you wouldn't be on ABC trying to find it. However, I think I have to hand the title over to Nick's "I'm a fantastic ironer." I take everything I've said back, Nick; you're a stud and a wordsmith.
Although it wasn't a line, I also enjoyed Andi basically giving Nick permission to have sex with one of his three girlfriends. It was the only thing I took away from their conversation, which unsurprisingly was made out to be this big dramatic thing but wound up being 10 minutes of tedium.
Huh. Wasn't expecting this much orgasm talk on "The Bachelor." Probably wouldn't have chosen to watch this show with my mom if I knew that going in.
For those catching up, the most ballyhooed moment of the show came near the end of the show when Raven started complaining and talking a lot about how few orgasms she's had in her life – which is to say no orgasms. And fair enough! Lady deserves to have a big O! But I'm not exactly sure I'd be eager to go on television and talk – with my boyfriend who is seeing two other women – about how unsatisfying my sex life has been, before moving from playing darts in the bar to playing darts in the bedroom. It would've been very odd even if I wasn't watching all of this unfold with Madre Mueller.
I appreciate when "The Bachelor" talks about sex as a part of relationships, because that's real. But not like this, TV show. Please not like this. And especially not with that weirdly whimsical soundtrack behind it.
Meanwhile, in less awkward news, Madre Mueller doesn't see the connection between Nick and Raven – or between Nick and Vanessa for that matter. And obviously the connection with Rachel doesn't work out, so Madre Mueller seems to be leaning the way of Nick going home sad. Womp womp.
Frankly, we spent most of the episode talking about the previous night's Oscar debacle and finding delightful reaction shots from the big moment rather than talking "Bachelor." It was a bad episode. Maybe I'd just had enough of dragged-out, melodramatic and overdressed televised competitions for the week. Or this month. Or for the rest of my life.
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