By Matt Mueller Culture Editor Published Jul 24, 2017 at 3:19 AM

Just when you thought it was another nice episode of "Game of Thrones," with all of the pawns starting to politely line up on their sides of the board and the puzzle's grand picture beginning to take shape, the pieces sliding into place. Old friends ventured to reunite, while new allies ventured to align. Meetings were made. Battle strategies were hatched. Pot pies were rendered inedible for a few weeks – all in an episode much smoother than the show's former reputation for blocky, chapter-esque storytelling would have you believe. 

And then, in a furious explosion of fire, water and blood, "Game of Thrones" flipped the table over – at least for Daenerys and Tyrion, who discovered the best laid plans always suffer the worst fates on this show.

At a rainy Dragonstone, a growingly impatient Dany tensely grills Varys about his loyalty, a fair pressing point since Varys' history of commitment and sticking by his ruler is ... lacking. Varys counters with, "Incompetence should not be rewarded with blind loyalty," adding that he'll always use his eyes as long as he's alive. If you're a strong ruler for the people, he'll be fully by your side; if you begin falling short, he'd be a fool to not move those eyes elsewhere. It's a fine bit of acting – even from Dinklage, who just spends most of the scene silently following the two launch verbal attacks and counters across the war room – and an even finer bit of strategy. She still demands an oath of loyalty – and promises that if she's betrayed, she'll burn him alive. Gulp.

Dany then goes to meet with Melisandre, who brings a prophecy about "a prince who was promised" – except the High Valyrian word for prince is gender-neutral, so Dany's still in the running. However, Melisandre also comes bearing the news of Jon Snow in the north, recommending a meeting between the two. Tyrion, a self-proclaimed "excellent judge of character," agrees and convinces Dany to reach out – though she insists he will bend the knee.

Back to the war room, where Tyrion and Dany lay out their plan of attack on Cersei and King's Landing with Yara Greyjoy – and OH HEY THEON! – Olenna Tyrell and *sigh* Dorne. Their plan, however, doesn't involve actually attacking King's Landing, as Dany – stealing a line from Tyrion – doesn't want to be "queen of the ashes." Olenna bristles a bit at the plan, wondering why all of their armies will appear to be doing all the fighting, but they're all eventually won over by Tyrion's extra wrinkle about taking Casterly Rock. Afterward, though, Olenna takes Dany aside and warns her about listening to Tyrion, noting that she's lived as long as she has because she ignored men who thought they knew better. It's a time for dragons, not sheep, she notes. 

Meanwhile, SOUND THE NUDITY ALARM FWAM FWAM FWAM, because, after a whole episode and a half, we finally got our first naked people of the season. Phew, for a moment there, I wasn't even sure this was an HBO show anymore without some Peak TV nudity. The moment comes courtesy of a very long scene between Missandei and Grey Worm, who after a speech about finally feeling fear, both strip down – all the way down, a big deal for Grey Worm considering his ... state. The two then make love, which I'm sure bodes well. Love, weakness and emotion always win out in the end on "Game of Thrones."

Off to Winterfell, where Jon and Sansa are still having tense debates, this episode over the raven they've received from Tyrion requesting Jon to come to Dragonstone. In the end, Jon decides to accept the invitation; as they just learned from Sam, the island is lousy with dragonglass and, better yet, an army with three fire-spewing dragons – everything they need to stand a chance against The Night King. Sansa is less convinced, chiming in again in front of the whole council. Lady Mormont speaks out against Jon's journey too, saying she wants the King of the North in the north – and when Lady Mormont doth speaks, YOU DOTH LISTEN.

Jon still takes the invite – but not before tossing the reigns of the North over to Sansa, a big moment greeted by Littlefinger smirking like hell, because he's Littlefinger and that's his constant state. That is until he decides to have a chat with Jon Snow about how he loves Sansa the way he loved her mother, and JON SNOW IS NOT A FAN, choking Littlefinger into a wall for a good bit. With Sansa now in charge, Jon gone and Littlefinger still around, after a relatively quiet episode up North, next week should be one for much drama in Winterfell.

Speaking of quiet weeks, we're off briefly to King's Landing, where Cersei attempts to recruit Randyll Tarly. However, when he asks if she has any strategies for actually winning this war, she's got little more to offer than side eye at Qyburn. Jaime, however, pulls some hallway politics to help nudge Tarly to their side, while Cersei and Qyburn head to the cellar to test out his new, special, secret weapon to defeat the dragons: a big crossbow. A big crossbow? I am rendered unimpressed by the mystical powers of a big crossbow – though it's very OK at denting the skeleton of a very super-dead dragon skull, I guess so ALL HAIL, BIG CROSSBOW!

Meanwhile, who would've thought Sam studying in a library would wind up being the most revolting subplot of the new season? First, we've got the montage of nightmares from last week's premiere. Now this week, we've got poor Jorah's greyscale, which is slowly yet surely taking over his body and turning him into the texture of burnt marshmallows. Grumpy old Jim Broadbent kindly gives him one more day before he's kicking him out, but Sam thinks he found a cure amongst the books. Broadbent notes that the author died ... of greyscale, so that politely slaps that down. 

Or not – as Sam sneaks in to Jorah's room late that night to perform just the worst surgery, slowly and excruciatingly carving away some of Jorah's pusing greyscale skin for what seems like hours (fun fact: I was trying to eat dinner during this scene). Then the show match cuts beautifully, from Sam applying some sort of goo to Jorah's newly exposed oozing skin to a pot pie in a bar. Editor Tim Porter – and Crispin Green, who edited last week's ep – are having a blast with Sam's gross misadventures this season. 

That pot pie takes us to Arya, who's coldly chewing away in a bar being served by OH HI HOT PIE! The two talk about pie recipes – though I doubt Hot Pie would want a slice of the one Arya last cooked up – before he drops a bombshell on Arya: Jon Snow is not only alive, but ruling the North. She might still have family alive after all – and that might not be all. On her cold journey now assumably North, a pack of wolves surrounds her, led by ... Nymeria? Maybe? As the huge direwolf saunters off, Arya says, "That's not her," but the special post-episode clips says that it is. Either way, the moment doesn't quite land – though it's almost certainly laying the groundwork for something in the future. 

In the present, however, we're off to Yara's fleet, where she, Theon and Ellaria are off to *sigh* Dorne along with *sigh again* the Sand Snakes. They're bickering on the boat while Yara and Ellaria get sexy and Theon is still emo and sulky until BAM! out of nowhere – OUT OF FRIGGING NOWHERE – balls of flame rain from the sky and a giant boat of horror creeps toward their vessel. It's Euron – and the show says, "I'm sorry, did you think this was a standard episode because OCEAN BATTLE TIME!" 

In the history of "Game of Thrones" battles, I will say this isn't the show's finest. As directed by Mark Mylod, it's really dark – the whole fight takes place at night – and the editing is kinetic to the point of incoherence. Plus, it's got that super sped-up action technique that always looks cheap and confusing to me. However, I did make a few things out. For one, a guy got stabbed in the schwantz. Also, most of the Sand Snakes are dead and Ellaria's been taken hostage.

But most importantly, the epic action scene ends with Yara with Euron's knife to her throat – and only Theon can save her. And after a quick analysis of the situation, Theon ... hops over the side of the ship and bails, leaving Yara for dead or worse. It's a tragic (as well as beautifully shot) moment that hits hard, a moment of devastatingly understandable weakness for Theon, who it seemed like was growing ever so slightly back into someone he felt he could be proud of. Now it's back to the drawing board for him – as soon as he gets back on dry land, that is. 

And it looks like it's back to the war room and the drawing board for episode three, Dany and Tyrion.

Matt Mueller Culture Editor

As much as it is a gigantic cliché to say that one has always had a passion for film, Matt Mueller has always had a passion for film. Whether it was bringing in the latest movie reviews for his first grade show-and-tell or writing film reviews for the St. Norbert College Times as a high school student, Matt is way too obsessed with movies for his own good.

When he's not writing about the latest blockbuster or talking much too glowingly about "Piranha 3D," Matt can probably be found watching literally any sport (minus cricket) or working at - get this - a local movie theater. Or watching a movie. Yeah, he's probably watching a movie.