Did Monday night's episode of "The Bachelor" accidentally skip ahead a month or two of episodes? That's just about the only good explanation for why, barely a handful of hours into this new season, one of his dates already met Arie's parents and got a tour of his hometown. Don't we build a little to that? Odd – but I would very much enjoy ABC accidentally leapfrogging half of this season. "Oh no, we accidentally skipped six hours of TV, what a shame."

Something else unexpected that I enjoyed? This new episode – or at least the demolition derby part, which came complete with goofy drama and even more wrecked cars. And like a car wreck, it was hard to turn away. 

Before we get to the derby, however, we have the first date of the new season – which was less of a date and more of a ridiculous shopping spree. Becca (whoever that is) was selected for the first one-on-one date, so Arie picked her up on a motorcycle and the two drove off to a special guest appearance from style icon Rachel Zoe. And I mean truly the word "appearance" because I don't think the fashion figure uttered a word for the minute she was on screen. Maybe lines would've cost the show more.

Meanwhile, Becca is gifted an entire new wardrobe for free. Oh, and sure, how about some Louboutins too? I have garbage fashion sense, and even I know Louboutins are "sacrifice your first born child" good. And why not toss in some complementary diamond earrings and jewelry while we're at it? This is all just way too much for a couple that's shared exactly seven sentences together so far. (And I'm not just saying that because I made the mistake of watching this segment with my girlfriend, who immediately began asking where her Louboutins were hiding.) But even so, honestly, Becca, leave the show now, because you've already won. It's all downhill from here. I mean, there was literally a moment where it seemed like charisma black hole Arie was more interested in a platter of hors d'oeuvres than you.

The rest of the date still goes decently – especially dinner, where Becca opens up about losing her father to brain cancer. But seriously Becca, take the heels and run. 

After seeing Becca come home with most of a high-end fashion store in tow, Krystal must've been quite excited to be next up for a one-on-one date. But instead of another closet raiding, the two fly out to lovely Scottsdale, Arizona, aka Arie's hometown, where the two can see exotic locales like his old high school and the Pizza Hut where he worked his first job. Becca got Louboutins; Krystal got to watch old home videos. RAW DEAL. Also, a trip home might've made a cute fifth or sixth date, when you've really gotten to know somebody and are now ready to really dive into their history, but not a first date. And you especially don't need to meet the parents this soon. This was around the time I began wondering if ABC accidentally mixed up the order of episodes this season, but nope, Arie's just kind of an awkward dolt. 

Thankfully the date finally leaves his hometown and heads back to Los Angeles, where the two have a nice dinner at the legendary Bradbury Building and watch some SoundCloud Sam Smith sing in an admittedly gorgeous theater. The two also chat about Krystal's brother, who's struggled with homelessness.

This moment would mark the end of any sympathy you would have toward Krystal, as she immediately became smug about her date, sniffing her rose constantly and refusing to talk with the rest of the ladies about her date. You remember in school when there was that one student who, after a test, would try to fit in with everyone else complaining about how hard it was and how much they TOTALLY failed when you know they got an A? That's Krystal – trying to feign relating to others but just seeming more smug in the process. Poor single mom Chelsea might as well apply for sainthood compared to her, now. 

About Chelsea, she got lumped in with the rest of the remaining cast on a huge group date to that classic first date: the demolition derby. The girls mostly seem game – except for Annaliese, who starts tearfully breaking down. Perhaps she's haunted by memories of a car accident as a child? Or she lost someone in a wreck? Oh ... no, she just had a bad experience with bumper cars. One date's brother is homeless and another lost her dad to cancer, but yeah, bumper cars can be rough too. WHERE'S MY TINY VIOLIN, ANNALIESE!? I hope next week, there's a tea party, and somebody breaks down over memories of horking on the spinning teacups. 

And now here's a sentence I never thought I'd say: I learned something on "The Bachelor." According to Arie, it's better strategy to ram into people with the back of the car rather than the front. Yes, that seems pretty obvious – but maybe I'm just surprised there's strategy involved in demolition derby beyond SMASH! CRASH! THUNDERDOME!

Anyways, Seinne – who you did not know existed until this very moment – wins the derby and some bonus time with Arie at the group date cocktail hour. But that's not the exciting part – and nor is contestant Brittany apparently concussing herself out of the cocktail party during the derby.

No, the drama belongs to poor, wonderful Bibiana. She already became a mild fan favorite tonight as she was almost brought to literal tears by Becca's new shoes. But she flew into drama overload as she waited politely for her one-on-one time with Arie, only to have the likes of Chelsea swoop in and take it. Going full bug-eyed, she storms out of the date and calls it a night, committed to getting some real time with Arie the following night before the rose ceremony.

But the following night, things don't go any better as all of the ladies vie for time – including Krystal, who already had one-on-one time, already has a rose going into the ceremony and already was riding on everybody's nerves with her, "Oh gee, I'm just so #blessed; can you believe my glorious, glorious luck?" routine. But after she "Can I borrow him for a sec"-ed Bibiana in her rare Arie alone time, our buddy Bibi lays into her with a rant about how she's playing the game, sure, but expect no one to like her or respect her as a result – all topped off with an actual "mic drop" (minus an actual microphone drop). 

Now ... could Bibiana have spent less time complaining about how little time she had with Arie and more time actually fixing that problem and seeking him out? Sure. But she's understandably stressed, and TV doesn't get much more satisfying than Krystal and her inauthentic self getting verbally smacked down. Also: CAN SOMEBODY GET THAT GIRL A LOZENGE ALREADY!?

If you thought this week was violent and full of action, next week promises some GLOW women's wrestling fun – though really, the most exciting bit of the promo for next week was when we saw a glimpse of a date involving puppies and wine. Can puppers and vino graduate Arie into an almost interesting person? I guess we'll find out! (But no, probably not. #StillNotMyPeter)

Gone

Valerie and Jenny, with the latter having no interest in pleasantries with Arie after getting the boot. Immediately afterward, our star tracked the Chicago graphic designer down and offered two very uncomfortable hugs that were not accepted. I guess that's what happens after you break somebody's heart ...

Well...that’s new. #TheBachelor pic.twitter.com/pddYWsVwWA — The Bachelor (@BachelorABC) January 9, 2018

Oh. OK, well, fair enough.

Also among the departed was Lauren G., which leaves only 17 Laurens left on the show. 

Contenders

1. Becca

For a show about dating, you don't actually see much cute flirting on "The Bachelor." Normally all that qualifies as flirting is the women batting their eyes and telling Arie, "Your eyes are great," or "You're really great at breathing." But during the dinner portion of Becca's shopping spree date, there was a moment where she flirtingly joked, "I was told you can fix my breaks," and it was genuinely a charming date moment. Listen, I'm not saying it was Hepburn and Grant, but it was something resembling cute wit – followed by a fairly genuine conversation about her tough family life. I had no idea who Becca was before the night began; now, I'd be fine to see her go all the way.

2. Krystal

Who would deny the magic between these two as they stood in the very same place they first met all those two days ago? Not only is Krystal's making a strong move toward Chelsea's villain crown, but America's most irritating ASMR voiceover artist is also making a strong move for Arie's heart. After all, she already met the parents! INSANITY! Oh, and while we're on the topic of Chelsea ... 

3. Chelsea

While Krystal's insincere connivery stole the spotlight this week, Chelsea's still back on her "can I borrow you for a sec?" bulls*t. But to her credit, wanting to finally tell Arie that she's a single mother and get his reaction is something that I'd want to get off my chest and out in the open too (especially after being all awkwardly coy about it the first night). And Arie seemed all fine and game, so success! 

But mostly, Chelsea's here because her reaction to seeing Becca's fashion haul – aka drinking heavily – was my favorite thing she's done so far and the most relatable thing to happen this season (not involving Bibiana). 

Pretenders

1. Lauren B. and Lauren S.

It's probably not a good sign when, two episodes in, the only thing people know about you is that there's too many Laurens on the show. Worse yet for Lauren B., she wasn't taken on a date, and her one-on-one time with Arie got Krystal-blocked. I predict we shall be all out of Laurens, and we can move on to how frustrating it is that there are two different spellings of Becca/Bekah on the show. 

2. Kendall 

The Santa Clarita creative director revealed her taxidermy love to Arie Monday night, showing off her stuffed seal. On the good side, Arie didn't slowly back away from her to find the nearest producer and ask for a thorough background check and an extra bodyguard. On the bad side, that was the only notable thing she did Monday night. And did she seriously bring a life-size dead seal to the mansion? Like, it's just sitting creepily in her room while she sleeps, silently watching. Waiting. Plotting.

3. Caroline and Jacqueline

Line of the night

Former NASCAR driver Robby Gordon "helped" "commentate" the big group date demolition derby, but mostly he looked very confused about why he was in the middle of a dirt track in Los Angeles watching scantily clad 20-somethings crash into one another in poorly graffiti-ed cars. But he did team up with Chris for the most devastating blow of the entire derby:

Robby: "Arie's had some big wrecks, so this is probably going to be very fitting for him."

Harrison: "Could this be the first time Arie actually wins something on a racetrack?"

Hello, 9-1-1, I'd like to report a vehicular manslaughter.