By Matt Mueller Culture Editor Published May 23, 2017 at 11:01 AM

After spending a whole season vying for the attention of "Dancing with the Stars" season-finale audience attendee Nick Viall, Rachel finally got to be the star of the show on last night's premiere of "The Bachelorette." And for a while, it was fun and flirty. There were even dogs!

But as many winning "Bachelor" couples have learned, nothing good lasts forever. 

Let's start with the nice stuff, though. Rachel is still a delight – even if she hadn't brought her cute puppers along for the ride. The Marquette Law School grad is charming, funny, ultra-accomplished and, unlike Nick, didn't spend most of the episode complaining about getting dumped. Even the episode's brief recap of her time with Nick last season couldn't pretend it was heartbreak and not a giant dodged bullet. Instead, she spent that time looking fabulous in a photo shoot and chatting with the two best old ladies. I need a "Talking Dead"-type show hosted by those two, ABC.

Before she gets to the guys, however, Rachel has to meet with the ladies who know her best ... last season's "Bachelor" contestants? Winona Whitney is one of the people who knows you best? Shark/Dolphin Girl knows you best? FLIPPING CORINNE knows you best!? Rachel, this makes me sad – unless this is a Post-Nick Stress Disorder gathering, which then fair enough. 

But enough of the ladies. SUMMON THE PARADE OF DUDES!

Madison boy Peter is first out of the limo, and he's casually sweet. Kenny, the pro wrestler, has a goofy job – with the ring pun to match – but his relationship with his daughter is just adorable (the less said about his past marital interactions, though, the better). Josiah has a remarkable story about his emotional recovery from his brother's suicide and tumbling into a life of crime only to turn things around and become an attorney. Yeah, my neck suffered whiplash going from Blake E.'s "I like talking about my penis" and Diggy's "LOOK AT ALL MY SHOES!" to "I had to cut down my brother's dead body," but overall, "The Bachelorette" seemed to gather a deservedly strong selection of studs for its first black star.

And then this chucklenuts showed up.

I heard the premiere of "Twin Peaks" Sunday night was awfully nightmarish, but that show didn't have Lucas #Whaboom-ing around like Dane Cook's evil twin. It could be worse; there could be a creepy puppet, OH GOD, ADAM BROUGHT A CREEPY PUPPET; WE ARE IN A LYNCHIAN CROSSOVER! There was a brief moment when he was perched in front of a roaring fireplace, and part of me needed him knocked into the flames while part of me wasn't sure if that wouldn't just make his demon powers stronger. If that doll sticks around, there's no way this doesn't turn into the new season of "American Horror Story."

The parade continued on – some good, some bad. Fred was remarkably Fred-like – until it was revealed he knew Rachel in school, and he was a bad kid. Intriguing. Bryan speaks Spanish to Rachel, and it is EFFECTIVE. Matt shows up in a penguin outfit because Alexis became famous for a shark costume, and he has no creativity. JACK! STONE! arrives with two names and not much else, while "aspiring drummer" Blake E. shows up with a drumline. Better than his penis talk!

The parade eventually ends, and with Josiah's first "Can I steal you for a second?" the chaos officially begins. Rachel attempts to meet with all the dudes, Whaboom Guy fails to make friends and poor contestant Mohit gets pretty waveringly drunk – complete with an adorable little wasted sway during the rose ceremony (the night lasted until morning, though, so fair enough).

Already guys are staking out their dramas and roles. Josiah, for instance, is surprisingly cocky after his tragic backstory, certain he'll get the First Impression rose. Spoiler: He didn't. Instead Bryan snags it – as well as the first kiss(es) of the night, impressing Rachel and kinda grossing out America with his over-aggressive tongue action. Settle yourself, Bryan. Meanwhile, Blake E. dukes it out with Lucas for his #Whaboom-ing, challenging if he's – all together now – there for the right reasons

Of course, this drama means WHAAABOOOOOM! got the evening's climactic final rose. You don't wrangle that kind of snooker-loopy crazy onto the show to only stay for a single episode. Matt the Penguin, as well as Adam and his "Annabelle" stunt double, get roses too, so Rachel might just be into some weird sh*t. All of this is devastating to a crying, eliminated contestant named Milton, who was apparently there. But really, dude, if she picks a Whaboomer over you, maybe you should be happy. 

Doesn't matter, though. Rachel's season is already an infinite improvement – and we haven't gotten to the Viking pillaging, naked bros, angry surprise girlfriend cameos, bloody faces and Nashville boy Lee apparently turning into the antichrist. I bet you it's because he's possessed by Adam's doll. 

Gone

Poor drunk Mohit, Milton, amiable-if-bland Marine Blake K., Grant, a very vested Jedidiah, Kyle, Michael and college TA Rob all got the first axe. We're now down from "WAY too many similarly handsome dudes" to just "too many similarly handsome dudes."

Contenders

1. Peter

We were a little concerned for Wisconsin's own Peter after coming out of the limo first and relying only on his wit and charm to make an impression. Then he busted out chocolates for Rachel, only for her to note that she doesn't like chocolate. SEE WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU DON'T BRING BEER AND CHEESE, PETER?! But when it came to the rose ceremony, Peter got the first rose – not the First Impression, but the next best one. So maybe there's hope for this Madison/Marquette connection. You just better bring beer and curds next time.

2. Bryan

Bryan did snag the First Impression rose, thanks to his lethal combination of sultry Spanish and aggressive kissing – though too aggressive, if you ask me. It's a romantic gesture, Bryan, not trying to remove all the makeup and foundation from her face. Still, he seems to be leaving his mark on Rachel – all over her freaking face, but a mark all right. 

3. Josiah

After his incredible backstory, Josiah was in the palm of seemingly every viewer's hand – this season's version of Kristina from "The Bachelor." But then the mansion games began, and Josiah got all smug and cocky, marching around like he owned the place – only to be rose-blocked by Bryan. It wasn't Josiah's best look, and hopefully it'll humble him a bit going into the next bunch of weeks, because otherwise he's a quality contender. Beware Kenny, though ...

Pretenders

1. Lucas

It wouldn't have been more obvious that keeping Captain WHABOOM was the producers' pick if they subbed in an actual producer in a wig and dress for that final rose. If I had any thought that this was genuinely Rachel's choice, it'd be a VERY concerning red flag for me. Hopefully next week, the producers and Rachel will decide they've had enough, and he'll be blasted off the show and into the sky Team Rocket-style, lowering the planet's sound pollution by 17 million decibels. 

2. Jonathan

Only one person must've been happy to see Lucas seize his way into the mansion Monday night, and that's Jonathan, professional tickle monster and therefore ACTUAL MONSTER. The fact Rachel didn't taze his frisky fingers into the dirt after he greeted her with a surprise blind tickle attack probably merits a Nobel Peace Prize. 

3. Adam

Thanks to bringing his ventriloquist doll/Cabbage Patch hellspawn, Adam managed to out-creepy his bio entry that said the most romantic gift he'd ever received was a threesome.

Oh hi, Wisconsin!

Rachel was always more of a Texan than a Wisconsinite, so I'm not expecting any references to Real Chili or a trip to Caffrey's anytime soon on "The Bachelorette." But luckily, we do have Peter, who I will call The Winter Soldier because he's from frosty Wisconsin and because he looks just like Bucky Barnes from Captain America. 

Line of the night

Jamey, who exists, would seem to win the night with his note that the show is "like you walked into a bar with one girl and 31 guys, and for some reason, you decided to stay." Looks like somebody discovered the premise of "The Bachelorette!" He also loses points for being concerned why Rachel wouldn't be into his awesome face and handsomeness. So instead, I'll give line of the night to Rachel's greeting to Dean, aka "I'm going black, and I'm not going back" aka THE WORST.

Mom-mentary

It only seems fair that "The Bachelorette" deserves a stronger female perspective, so the mom-mentary section now includes not only my mom this season, but also my sister, a feminist and complete newbie to the show. SHOULD GO GREAT!

Dear readers, it was so cute watching her struggle through this episode, trying to learn the names of all the guys or at least recognize them while I laughed at her folly. Don't worry, sis; you'll learn just as I did last year. Trying to remember and recall all the contestants this early in the show is like trying to watch "Fifty Shades Darker" for the acting: You'll only make yourself mad. 

That being said, she loved Diggy – until we got to his shoe collection – and Josiah, while male model Brady got the cold shoulder for his "ice-breaker" intro.

Universally, though, every woman in my house lost their collective mind when Jonathan went in for a tickle. There were pitchforks. Windows were broken. Wine was angrily guzzled at a frankly unhealthy rate. It is for the greater good of this household that Jonathan never try that sh*t again. Either his fingers stay away or somebody's fingers will be gripping his neck – possibly the entire female global population.

Matt Mueller Culture Editor

As much as it is a gigantic cliché to say that one has always had a passion for film, Matt Mueller has always had a passion for film. Whether it was bringing in the latest movie reviews for his first grade show-and-tell or writing film reviews for the St. Norbert College Times as a high school student, Matt is way too obsessed with movies for his own good.

When he's not writing about the latest blockbuster or talking much too glowingly about "Piranha 3D," Matt can probably be found watching literally any sport (minus cricket) or working at - get this - a local movie theater. Or watching a movie. Yeah, he's probably watching a movie.