Thanksgiving is a time when most columnists write about all the things they are thankful for and what we should all be thankful for.
I am going to switch it up a bit this year and nominate people and institutions that ought to be thankful for me.
I know this may sound a bit like an out of control ego, but really it's not. I play a part in the lives of many people, and they really ought to thank me for it. This is their chance.
Fans of Mixed Martial Arts: I have made no secret of my utter contempt for this so-called sport. I think it's just a step removed from the days when we put gladiators in an arena and let tigers and lions loose while the crowd worked itself into a frenzy calling for blood. If it wasn't for me, who Milwaukee MMA fans hate? Glad to be of service, boys.
Brett Favre: I am probably the only columnist in the world who still holds Favre in a reverential place in our sports history. I still believe all the post-Packers shenanigans were not his doing, but were caused by other people. I still think he's the most magnetic football players I've ever seen. Everybody else seems to hate him. Brett ought to be giving thanks today that somebody is still on his side.
Milwaukee County Board of Supervisors: Because I keep pointing out how irrelevant and petty these people are, they can now unite in their defense of what they do. Without me, they would be torn by partisan bitterness. Because I'm around, they can act as one body. A ridiculous body, but a body nonetheless.
Ma Fischer's Restaurant: I've been going to this place since it was just a counter and three tables. I have probably eaten more here than any other place, with the possible exception of Solly's. It's not gourmet food, but they have about the best breakfast in town and the price is always right. Without me at least one waitress would be out of work and they likely wouldn't be open 24 hours a day. They'd have to drop to 22 or 23 hours a day.
My family: If it wasn't for me, they wouldn't have anyone to make fun of.
Sheriff David Clarke: I try to point out every time the sheriff shows up somewhere on a horse, wearing his cowboy hat and cowboy boots, with a gun on his hip and a shiny belt buckle the size of Bradford Beach. The sheriff is a real "shove it in your face" kind of guy. So if I didn't point that stuff out he would never be able to show up somewhere on a horse, wearing his cowboy hat and cowboy boots, with a gun on his hip and a shiny belt buckle the size of Bradford Beach.
The Tea Party: Maybe they shouldn't be thankful for me, but at least they should be thankful for people like me. I mean, who else would point out that the Tea Party and the Birthers could be locked up in an asylum somewhere and given powerful drugs to see if you could turn them from crazy people into civilized members of society who could actually live on their own.
Bus drivers: I don't ride the bus that often, but when do, every time we pass an intersection I ask, with feverish panic, "was that my stop?" It usually takes a driver about four blocks before he or she is ready to kick me out. They should be thankful I don't ride the bus that often.
Local television newscasts (except for Channel 12): They should be thankful I don't watch them very often. If I did I would have to write a column every day about something stupid they did. I'd have to get it off my chest and they would get really tired of me saying, "Did you see what Channel (fill in a number, except 12) did last night?
Golfers everywhere: As I got older, I got much more dangerous on a golf course. The concept of actually knowing where my ball was headed became more foreign each year. Players from all over learned to cover their heads and hide behind golf carts each time I stepped on a tee. Golf has become a much safer game since I've given it up.
Bullies everywhere: They should be thankful that I have put on temporary hold my plan to get five or six really tough guys to travel around with me kicking the crap out of every bully we can find.
My grandson Casey: Casey is just over 1 year old and if it weren't for me he would have no idea what the word "hate" means.
OnMilwaukee.com readers: They should be thankful for me for giving them something, sometimes, interesting to read. But they should really be thankful for all the other people at OMC who work harder than I've ever seen anyone work to create a daily magazine that has won national recognition for its quality.
No Talkbacks for this article.
Post your comment/review now
Disclaimer: Please note that Facebook comments are posted through Facebook and cannot be approved, edited or declined by OnMilwaukee.com. The opinions expressed in Facebook comments do not necessarily reflect those of OnMilwaukee.com or its staff.
Recent Articles & Blogs by Dave Begel
Published April 22, 2017
For 15 years, under the guidance of art therapist Lori Vance, ExYoMKE has gone one-on-one with some of the most disaffected children in Milwaukee, children of all races and genders, and tried to help them see the world through the eyes of an artist.
Published April 22, 2017
One of the most wonderful evenings at a theater is when the show starts on a high note and just keeps getting better and better until you get to an ending where your heart is lying on the floor and your eyes are clouded with tears. That's "Carnival."
Published April 21, 2017
"The Fantasticks" is a simple little musical, the longest running in history, about a boy and a girl and being in love. The problem in the Off the Wall Theatre production is that the boy can't hold up his end of the deal, and the whole production suffers.
Published April 20, 2017
When I'm moved, I write, and fortunately, with OnMilwaukee, I have a place for that writing. The series of Uber tales from the road have run intermittently, but this story, more than anything else, proved that words and social media have the power to spark action, to make a real difference.
Published April 18, 2017
There is nothing quite like the world of the carnies, who travel the country, state fair after state fair, luring spectators with claims of wonder and magic. And that world is coming to Milwaukee, believe it or not, in the tiny space at In Tandem Theatre.
Published April 15, 2017
What does it take to make a man great and what role do expectations, his and others, have on that quest? It's the issue before the house in "Great Expectations," the adaptation of the Charles Dickens novel that opened at Milwaukee Chamber Theatre.
Published April 13, 2017
In Wisconsin, you can't bake cookies or cakes or brownies at home and legally sell them at a farmer's market or your kids' lemonade stand. But three women are fighting the law with the help of the powerful Institute for Justice.
Published April 13, 2017
Downtown Milwaukee will be getting a strip club, which could open well before the Bucks' new arena in 2018, thanks to a measure that is expected to win Common Council approval next week.
Published April 11, 2017
The preparation for the 2017 Footlights Performing Arts Awards has been underway for a year, with public nominations being submitted. The results are in, and well, there are some odd competitions.
Published April 9, 2017
The second act roars to life and makes "The Violet Hour" at Renaissance Theaterworks a must see this season. The bifurcation of this Richard Greenberg piece is stunning in contrast and makes the effort of sitting through the first act a worthwhile endeavor.