As you may remember, I wrote my first "Midlife Isis" blog and promised a weekly installation detailing my separation from my husband of 13 years and our plan to raise our sons in a loving-but-non-nuclear family. That was three weeks and three rough drafts ago. Turns out, writing this is more difficult than I expected.
The decision to transform our family was the biggest and most difficult decision of our lifetime. First and foremost, we had to answer the question: Can our kids be happy without having both parents under one roof? Or will this, inevitably, screw them up?
Like numerous friends, I grew up in a family with unhappy parents who made the decision to muddle through their bad marriage until the kids turned 18. In the meantime, they faked it, and consequently, I saw them at their worst.
And yet, I know now -- as an adult facing many of the same issues that they did -- that my parents did the best they could and were following a model that was thought to be the best choice. The "staying together until the kids are 18" concept was common during past decades -- particularly the ‘80s -- but because of my experiences, I can't do it. There are so many reasons for this.
I want my sons to someday live with partners they are truly in love with. I don't want to model a relationship for them -- even with their father -- that is anything less than that. Sure, their father and I love each other, like family members do, but we are not "in love." And we are too young to give up passion, even for the sake of our kids. However, our society -- even the supposedly progressive community in which I live -- suggests that I'm being selfish.
But despite judgments, we soldier on and return to the afore-proposed question: Can our kids be happy living in two households?
Deep thought, conversation, reading, soul searching and weeping -- so much weeping -- helped me come to the conclusion that yes, my sons can be happy living in a non-nuclear family. Most of all, I believe that having happier parents is better for them.
Currently, we are in the process of redefining family and structuring their lives based on a network of people -- dominated by their parents, of course -- who love and support them. At the same time, they are learning that everything changes whether we want it to or not.
More than anything, I realized that my kids aren't going to "turn out" or "not turn out." I hear people use these words -- "she turned out really well" -- but I don't believe there is any such thing. We are all fluid, ever-changing beings living a life of ups and downs. My sons are living in a non-conventional family structure that includes parents and grandparents who love them very much.
Once again, different does not mean bad.
It has been three months since I moved across the street from my soon-to-be former husband. We co-parent our sons equally: they are with me Wednesday, Saturday, Sunday and every other Monday. The four of us spend time together at family functions like birthday parties. Overall, it has worked better than I expected.
Our boys, at this point, are thriving and happy, despite occasional comments that are, for me, heartbreaking. However, I have to make sure I don't project anything onto them or give them the idea that separation is sad. If they decide it is, then it is, but they might not decide this. In any case, conversation is always a possibility. I "check in" with them regularly, but mostly, they only want to talk on their own time.
Their moods change quickly. We have fleeting moments to connect before they move on to something else. I try to honor this.
For example, a few weeks ago, while at a cookout, my 6-year-old crawled onto my lap and said, completely out-of-the-blue, "Sometime it's hard to be in two families."
I held him closer and prepared to talk about a challenging aspect of separation and divorce, right in the middle of a Sunday evening social gathering. But before I could utter any words, he started speaking again.
"That guy has hair on his toes," he said happily, pointing at the feet of a guy sitting in a lawn chair next to us.
Molly Snyder started writing and publishing her work at the age 10, when her community newspaper printed her poem, "The Unicorn.” Since then, she's expanded beyond the subject of mythical creatures and written in many different mediums but, nearest and dearest to her heart, thousands of articles for OnMilwaukee.
Molly is a regular contributor to FOX6 News and numerous radio stations as well as the co-host of "Dandelions: A Podcast For Women.” She's received five Milwaukee Press Club Awards, served as the Pfister Narrator and is the Wisconsin State Fair’s Celebrity Cream Puff Eating Champion of 2019.
