It's kids and family week here at OnMilwaukee.com and, more than ever, we'll feature articles and blogs about children's health, education, travel, fun and more. Kids and family week is brought to you by Aurora Health Care.
I have been a parent for almost 12 years, and during that time, I have made a lot of promises to my sons, to myself and to the universe about what I would do or not do as a mother. Over time, I have pretty much narrowed down my mission to one goal.
I promise not to put two more douchebags in the world.
Although only one item, it is a very tall order. I see douchey-ness try to draw them in on a daily basis. I simply will not have it.¬†
I actually introduced the D-word last year, when they were 10. Now, I call it as I see it. "Hey, that was douchey," I say.
And despite how much douchebaggery they display, they can always, always have a do-over.¬†
Deeply inspired by the gem of a "kids book" called "Go The F-ck To Sleep," I wrote this. It is dedicated to my sons, Kai River and Levi. And we do not really have an Uncle Randy.
The Last Thing This World Needs Is Another Douchebag
Once upon a time, there was a mom. She was like your mom: she loved her child and wanted the best things possible for him.
But one day, the mom realized something. The world was full of douchebags. And the mom did not want her child to grow up to be douchebag. And so, she called her boy to her side.
"Son," she said. "The last thing this world needs is another douchebag."
"Mommy, what does 'douchebag' mean?" the boy asked.
"I'm so glad you asked," said Mom, clearing her throat.
Grab your stuffed bear
and a box of juice
and I'll tell you a story
about a bag of douche.
A douche can't stop talking
in a way-too-loud voice
it's his way or the highway
and he's rarely Pro Choice.
Don't talk to his girlfriend
or he'll puff up with 'tude
step on his Crocs
and he'll threaten to sue.
A douche is a bully
his life's a boxing ring
he'll "pfffft" on your feelings
and hate on your thing.
He'll trap you in a corner
a total time sucker
despite his stupidity,
he's a cocky motherf-cker.¬†
A douche says "dude"¬†
after every other breath
"Over dude-ing" it, son,
is the d-bag kiss of death.
"Mom, I think I get it: is Uncle Randy a douchebag?" the boy asked.
Yes! Uncle Randy's a douche
has a face like a rat
says crap like "I'd hit that"
and non-ironically at that.
And so was that guy
the one at the waterpark
who knocked you down with his tube
and left with a shrug and a fart.
You see, son, there's no "u" in douche
wait, yes there is ‚Äď oh, poo!
but that still doesn't mean
it's the fate of YOU.
I'm not always a¬†perfect mom
I might drink too much and hurl
but I swear I won't add another douchebag
to this already douched-up world.
No Talkbacks for this article.
Post your comment/review now
Disclaimer: Please note that Facebook comments are posted through Facebook and cannot be approved, edited or declined by OnMilwaukee.com. The opinions expressed in Facebook comments do not necessarily reflect those of OnMilwaukee.com or its staff.
Recent Articles & Blogs by Molly Snyder
Published July 22, 2017
Bay View's Bounce Milwaukee is as much of a grown-up destination as it is a kid zone. Adults can jump, slide, laser, climb, box, play video games, sumo wrestle and more, in between drinking beers or cocktails and eating healthy (or not healthy) food.
Published July 20, 2017
Nic and Nicole Quiles plan to open Milwaukee's first Autism-friendly community caf√© - called Caban's Cafe - in October 2017.
Published July 17, 2017
This past weekend, artist Mauricio Ramirez and the Walker's Point neighborhood honored the life and career of Selena with the installation of a new conceptual mural "Anything for Selena."
Published July 17, 2017
It's completely, unofficially Loose Ends Week. Let's get some sh*t done and feel good about ourselves.
Published July 14, 2017
Guy Rehorst - the founder and owner of Great Lakes Distillery - became curious about distilling after homebrewing what he describes as "a really bad batch of beer." Today, he owns the state's first distillery since Prohibition.
Published July 14, 2017
A Chicago Tribune reporter challenged three Chicago craft brewers to a blind taste test of 16 "macro" beers. Guess who prevailed?
Published July 13, 2017
"The Race of Gentlemen" (known as "TROG"), is the latest traveling exhibit at the Harley-Davidson Museum and combines hotrods, motorcycles, carnivals and nostalgia. It runs through Labor Day weekend.
Published July 12, 2017
Katie Gingrass, who owned the Katie Gingrass Gallery in Milwaukee's Third Ward since 1980, quietly closed shop this weekend with the help of her family.
Published July 11, 2017
The Crimson Club, a "healthy" nightclub, restaurant and venue at 7211 W. Greenfield Ave., will open in August.
Published July 10, 2017
Linda Sackett, who owns O'Lydia's in Walker's Point, was told not to have a second child because of a kidney condition. Four months ago, that child saved her life.