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Readers Blog: Dobie Maxwell's 'Dented Can' Diary

Hotdog Hangover

Tuesday July 5th, 2011 - Cary, IL

   I’m finally starting to focus in on funny again. I think that part of my brain shut off for a  couple of weeks, even though some hilarious hi jinks happened in the hospital that will be ripe for both standup and movie scenes. It just doesn’t any get funnier than other people’s most excruciating pain and extreme embarrassment. Those are two base comic elements.

   I was too busy trying to save my giblets and get through my stay to take physical notes, but I’ve trained myself since childhood to always look where the funny is and file it away for later. Now I can start not only looking back on my own experience, but at all the other things that were going on while I was out of it. Comedy doesn’t stop because I’m laid up.

   For one thing, the Chicago Cubs are absolutely horrible. What’s funnier than a bunch of million dollar morons finding new ways to lose day in and day out? I’d hate to be a kid in the hospital waiting for one of the Cubs to hit a home run for me, I’d be dead but quick.

   One of the funniest things I laughed about even in the hospital was turning on my TV to see the HBO movie about Jack Kevorkian starring Al Pacino. What perfect timing for Mr. Lucky to get wheeled back from surgery and have that on as inspiration. I started laughing out loud when I saw it, but my nurse was East Indian and had no idea why that was funny.

   Another subject that has a whole new angle for me is competitive eating. The 4th of July is when the big hot dog eating contest happens at Coney Island in New York, and it made me laugh to see how intense these wackos are as they ram wieners down their windpipes.

   Here I am, newly diabetic having to account for every single carbohydrate and calorie in my daily diet while a sanctioned contest is going on to openly promote and condone being a disgusting glutton. I find that uproariously funny. I’d love to have just ONE, but I can’t.

   That’s ok, I’ve had enough hot dogs for a while. I need to scrape some of the residue off my inner walls and blow some gunk out of my pipes. I’ve actually eaten better during this last two weeks than I have in years. NO sodas, NO red meat. NO pasta. No fun, either.

   That’s why I find it so funny that these idiots aren’t even enjoying the hot dogs. They’re dunking the buns in water to make them go down easier, then stuffing the meat in like it’s kindling in a fireplace. What’s even more insane than people do this, others WATCH it.

   I saw the crowds on TV and if I could draw that many to see me perform I’d have a nice career going. There has to be a serious father tweak somewhere to make someone need to put away five dozen franks for a cheap trophy and their name in the paper. I’m sure this is exactly why our founding fathers gave their lives to insure freedom for future generations.

   Luckily for me I don’t see any shortages of stupidity or turning around of my luck in the near future, and those have been two rich sources of humor for me through the years. I am not saying I haven’t done stupid things myself, but competitive eating isn’t one of them.

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