Frustrated NFL fan finds no comfort in changing sides
Welcome To Houston, Texistan!
For a while there, I was seriously considering fleeing the country.
No, not America.
Fed up with the ongoing fan-boy fiasco known as Dan Snyder, I figured now was the time to seek refuge in another football team.
The plan -- if you can call it that -- was to find another team and root for it exclusively until the little dictator was deposed.
Well, I've reconsidered. I'm staying for now, even as persecuted as all 'Skins loyalists are under Snyder.
For starters, I simply cannot let go of the colors. Like the nation's flag that flies above, I am positively smitten with the Burgundy and Gold. I beam with joy at seeing the mighty Indian Head logo gleaming in the sunlight as my players bob out onto the field in glorious NFL Films slow motion.
I cannot leave that behind. Put simply: I own too much gear.
I found even stronger motivation in my desire to be here -- "in country" -- as a fan for the coming Snyder economic collapse. I dream of rushing the public square and beat my worn flip-flops on the head of his toppled Redskins statue.
Oh, how sweet!
Sure, it's going to take another 10 years. But it's coming. I've never been more certain of anything during my time as a fan.
But back to the "refugee status" concept in the NFL ... Does it even exist? Can one honestly claim it? And what are the terms and conditions?
I believe that every fan is entitled to ONE change of allegiance per sport -- IN THEIR LIFETIME.
However it is permanent, and absolute. No second thoughts, flip-flopping or front-running are permitted.
I was not going to change my nationality; I was just seeking a place to land for a period of 10 to 20 years, or until it was safe to return. Not unlike an Afghani donut shop owner here in America who someday yearns to return to his native land when such a shop can be opened over there without risk of beheading.
My plan was to find a team that would "take me in" and allow me to root in earnest for a franchise that is not so arrogant and reckless in their football business as The Snyderskins.
I knew I would be on "probationary" status with that team. I planned to work hard reading message boards and team history to properly assimilate.
And should my new "team / country" have enjoyed great football success, I vowed to keep my head low and heart humble, since I was such a newcomer to what might have been decades of suffering.
The Green Bay Packers would have been a logical choice for refuge. There is no "owner" and as you know, I've been a "virtual" Wisconsinite through Bob & Brian and OnMilwaukee.com for almost 12 years running.
But, I just wouldn't feel quite right. There has been a magical run under the guidance of Brett Favre and Co., but it was preceded by such despicable Packers teams that I cannot begin to comprehend how awful that was to endure.
I also didn't want to jump to any team that was even remotely any good. To do so would bring charges of bandwagon jumping, and perhaps rightly so.
I couldn't flee to a team in my own division, the NFC East. To do so, would be as bad as a Serbian running across the border to Kosovo.
I needed an NFL refugee "country" with all the right parameters. Somebody who was not particularly good, had no long suffering fans to resent my jumping on board their slow boat to football insanity, and had a color scheme and logo I could tolerate.
After much consulting with the good folks at NFLShop.com -- where you can now get a logoed New Orleans Saints "Snowman Tree Skirt" for just $49.99 -- I decided that this place called "Houston Texistan" looked like it might be just the right place to hang out for a decade or so until things in "Redskins Nation" sorted themselves out.
Not only is their nation's color scheme and official logo quite sharp -- a deep blue primary, with red and white accents in the outline of a giant steer skull -- but the team itself met all my criteria.
Recently resurrected from the ashes of the Oilers, there's no history per se to have to learn or tiptoe around. The aren't very good now, and have never been.
And best of all, I could still HATE the Godless Cowboys as much as I did while residing in Redskins Nation.
As Borat would say: "Isssss niiiicce! High five-ah!"
I tend to think most Houston Texans fans would welcome me to their small and growing little NFL nation. However, I must confess, I have yet to actually meet or hear from a real live, Texan-istani.
For now, I'm going to stay put in my little one-story brick and mud hut here under the tyranny of Snyder. Things likely won't get better anytime soon, but I dream of celebrating Snyder's exit by dancing in the streets under the beautiful Burgundy and Gold banner.
On that day, the pain and suffering will be forgotten.
You would not run to a divison rival I like that, but to all the d-bags in Wisconsin wearing a purple number 4 these days. I say that you can change sides, but you must stay away and would never be welcomed back. So I hope you d-bags enjoy your Purple and yellow more than your Green and Gold.
A long time ago when I was a little boy and Randy Wright was the quarterback of the pack, I came up with the "backburner" team. A team that gets you by while your team stinks it up. It's like the good uncle who takes you out for ice cream when your dad is passed out drunk on the couch.
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