So, here's the way your day went.
First, you were checking out of the grocery store and found you were $3 short after the cashier rang up all your products. Then you get into your car and start out of the parking lot and -- when you step on the brake --your car keeps on going. Finally, you get home and your wife goes through the grocery bags and points out you forgot five things she had put on the list that she needs to cook dinner that night.
Who would blame you if, when you surprisingly found a moment of joy at the end of a day like that, you decided to really yuck it up and disturb the neighbors with your chuckling.
Welcome to the 2009 season for the Milwaukee Brewers.
This year's team hasn't been good for much, except for their ability to provoke controversy over their celebrations.
First, it was untucking shirts that aggravated the St. Louis Cardinals. Then, just a couple of weeks ago, there was the group home-plate flop after a Prince Fielder home run.
Some people loved it and some people hated it. People everywhere called it phony and rude and called for rules changes to prohibit this kind of thing.
That's absurd. I mean, just think about it for a minute.
Here the Brewers are in the midst of a disappointing season. Their lineup has been disrupted. Guys who have been coaching for life have been fired. If it wasn't for the paychecks, most of these players would probably rather be home, playing a video game.
So what's the complaint if they find a way to get a little joy out of a game?
This whole deal with trying to regulate celebrations has got me a little aggravated. I mean, sports are supposed to be fun, right? I think one of the problems in sports is that everybody takes things way too seriously.
I think we should throw the shackles off and allow unbridled celebrations by athletes. I think we should do away with any rules that limit the type of celebrations that athletes can do. If they want to dance, sing, shake body parts (all clothed of course), use props, mug for a camera, talk to their mother, signal to their girlfriend, goad their opponent, rip off jerseys, slide in the mud, hop over a net, break a glass backboard, sit in the stands, drink a beer and eat a hotdog, wear a Styrofoam hat, show their tattoos, circle the field, or anything else -- they should be allowed to do so.
Just so we don't turn sports into some kind of unregulated battlefield though, instead of regulating the type of celebrations we can have, we will regulate the sporting achievements that will spawn such celebrations. How, you may ask, will we know what qualifies? Well, as a Supreme Court justice replied when asked how he'd define pornography, "I can't define it but I know it when I see it." That's the same thing here. We know what shouldn't be celebrated.
In order to avoid a sporting world without any rules at all, we will still ban any and all celebrations for actions that fall below a certain level. As an example, here are some of the things you can, and can't celebrate:
You can't celebrate if you are a cornerback who gets beat for a 54-yard gain but you want to celebrate because you knocked the receiver out of bounds on the one-yard line before he could score.
You can't celebrate if you dunk the ball in the second quarter to make the score 43-37.
You can't celebrate if you serve an ace to end a string of three double-faults.
You can't celebrate if you hit a double with nobody on base in the first through the seventh innings.
You can't celebrate if you make a putt longer than two feet but shorter than four feet for a double bogey or higher. Contrary to what golf television announcers say, there is no such thing as a good double bogey.
You can celebrate anything in soccer, because hardly anything ever happens.
You can't celebrate a touchdown if your team is trailing, 54-14.
You can celebrate anything in hockey because nobody will notice.
If it's September and you are more than 15 games out of first place in your division, you can't celebrate any home run at all.
You can't celebrate if the temperature is below 20 or above 95 degrees.
Now, let's get the party started.
With a history in Milwaukee stretching back decades, Dave tries to bring a unique perspective to his writing, whether it's sports, politics, theater or any other issue.
He's seen Milwaukee grow, suffer pangs of growth, strive for success and has been involved in many efforts to both shape and re-shape the city. He's a happy man, now that he's quit playing golf, and enjoys music, his children and grandchildren and the myriad of sports in this state. He loves great food and hates bullies and people who think they are smarter than everyone else.
This whole Internet thing continues to baffle him, but he's willing to play the game as long as OnMilwaukee.com keeps lending him a helping hand. He is constantly amazed that just a few dedicated people can provide so much news and information to a hungry public.
Despite some opinions to the contrary, Dave likes most stuff. But he is a skeptic who constantly wonders about the world around him. So many questions, so few answers.
