It’s actually quite impressive that there are four big releases coming out this week – "The Conjuring," "Red 2" and not one but two Ryan Reynolds movies ("Turbo" and "R.I.P.D.") – and not one of them provides a good topic for a countdown column. Perhaps a piece about the best sequels that nobody asked for in honor of "Red 2"? Or a list of the best Ryan Reynolds films (which would just be "Buried" listed five times)?
The pickings were looking quite slim, and I was dangerously close to starting up a desperate Best of Patrick Wilson article when I glanced at the calendar and realized that, well I’ll be damned, it’s my birthday (funny how the day means so much to you when you’re younger and so little when you’re older). So what better way to ring in my 23rd annual celebration of proving Darwin’s survival of the fittest theory wrong than by listing off some of the most memorable birthdays to hit the big screen.
"Sixteen Candles"
It’s actually quite surprising how few movies there are dedicated to birthdays, a holiday every single person on the planet celebrates. "Sixteen Candles" is one of the few movies that give the birthday its due, following 16-year-old Sam (Molly Ringwald) and the worst birthday ever. Her parents are too distracted to even remember her special day, the pervy boys at school are nagging her for her underwear and delicate information about her dreamy crush may have leaked out to the entire school.
The film served as ’80s legend John Hughes’ directorial debut, and it shows all of the elements that made him so beloved. Of course, it was the ’80s so not everything holds up great, but there’s something still just right about the way Hughes combines the angsty, awkward teenage dramas that seemed so big and important at the time with his signature sweet earnestness.
Her parents may not have remembered her birthday, but audiences certainly do. And not that Hollywood needs more sequels, but how has there not been a movie called "45 Candles" in which an adult Ringwald’s children forget her birthday and charming chaos ensues?
"The Birds"
Alfred Hitchcock made many brilliant films in his day. I’m not sure "The Birds" would qualify as one of his crowning achievements. It sure takes a long time to get to the ferocious feathered fiends, and it’s hard to escape the schlockiness of its concept. Even with the dated visual effects and silly story gimmick, when the bird-pocalypse does finally strike, it’s surprisingly well crafted (especially the birds’ screeching, which sounds eerily unnatural).
One of the locales hit by the birds is Cathy’s birthday party, and though it’s not as freaky as the eventual assault at the playground, it’s a creepy little moment and a nice tease for what’s to come. It must have been very disappointing for Cathy (Veronica Cartwright, who was menaced again by an evil creature in "Alien") to have her party ruined by animals. I know the feeling; on my 7th birthday party, I was attacked by a pig.
"Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone"
Has it really been over a decade since the first Harry Potter book hit the screen? It seems like it was just yesterday when we were first introduced to the boy who lived, who received one of the coolest gifts of all – a trip to Hogwarts and the knowledge that he is a wizard – at the end of what was up to that point a quite miserable 11th birthday.
As the series matured – as well as the child actors – general consensus on director Chris Columbus’ opening two installments of the Harry Potter franchise soured considerably. It’s true; Columbus’ strict adherence to the books didn’t leave for much in terms of real creativity or imagination. But they did provide good strong starting blocks for one of the most consistent film series in the past few decades.
Without Columbus laying the groundwork and securing the audience – as well as its trust – we likely don’t get the strong visions that later directors (namely Alfonso Cuaron and David Yates) provided. And without Harry’s 11th birthday in "Sorcerer’s Stone," we may have never been introduced to the magical world of, well, magic.
"The Game"
"The Game" is actually my least favorite film in director David Fincher’s absurdly impressive resume (including "Zodiac" and "The Social Network," two of my all-time favorite movies). The 1997 movie follows an arrogant financier (Michael Douglas) after he receives a bizarre birthday gift – a live-action role playing game – from his misfit brother (Sean Penn).
As the titular game escalates, the movie eventually flies off the rails of any form of plausible reality. Before then, though, "The Game" is actually quite effective, featuring Fincher’s signature moody visuals and a creepy early moment involving an ominously positioned clown doll. I may not love the rest of the movie, but it’s certainly one of the most memorable birthday gifts in cinematic history.
"The Room"
If you haven’t seen "The Room," do yourself a favor, call over a bunch of friends, rent it and enjoy one of the greatest, unintentionally hilarious cult classics to ever technically earn the title of "film." Writer/director/producer/star/accidental genius Tommy Wiseau’s 2003 romantic drama is so miserably acted, ineptly filmed and incomprehensibly plotted, it becomes brilliant.
Characters come in and out of scenes for no reason. One actor wasn’t able to finish the film, so his character turned into a completely new person but with the same lines. People bring up plot points, only to never mention them again (one character notes she has breast cancer in the same tone of voice I would say "we’re out of milk;" then again, considering we never hear of it again, maybe it wasn’t that big of a deal). Awkward sex scenes – and the awful R&B music that accompanies them – seemingly go on for hours. People play football in tuxedos. It’s bad movie heaven.
The film finally ends with a climactic surprise birthday party, where passions boil over, everyone’s secrets are revealed, and a grown man calls another grown man a chicken and cheeps like a baby bird. At least the party looked like fun before the fight broke out. The main character’s cheating girlfriend – or "future wife" as he constantly calls her – even invited all of his friends. Good thinking!
As much as it is a gigantic cliché to say that one has always had a passion for film, Matt Mueller has always had a passion for film. Whether it was bringing in the latest movie reviews for his first grade show-and-tell or writing film reviews for the St. Norbert College Times as a high school student, Matt is way too obsessed with movies for his own good.
When he's not writing about the latest blockbuster or talking much too glowingly about "Piranha 3D," Matt can probably be found watching literally any sport (minus cricket) or working at - get this - a local movie theater. Or watching a movie. Yeah, he's probably watching a movie.