I was watching the news and a story came on about people living in open relationships and marriages. I was fascinated as these couples, young and old, described living in relationships knowing that their partners were with someone else, or maybe even a few someone elses, any given day of the week.
This isn't polygamy, which is the practice of multiple marriages, it's polyamory, which is just as it sounds -- the practice of taking more than one lover. This quickly had me debating whether these people are masochists looking to get hurt or if the rest of us are the delusional ones, believing that we'll find that one person and never want or need anything from another.
The idea of marriage and one partner for the rest of your existence goes against many of our primal instincts. Watch National Geographic for five minutes and you'll realize we're all here -- lions, tigers, bears and us, to procreate, to ensure the continuation of the species for centuries to come. But, we're more intelligent than cats and bears, aren't we? Not if you look at the evidence. When it comes to humans we don't have sex just to procreate, we like it, we don't know when to stop procreating (come on people, say it with me, "birth control") and most of us cannot separate our hearts from much of the sex we have.
I'm not naïve enough to think that sleeping with more than one person is a new concept or even a bad one. Hell, I went to college; it was practically a pre-requisite. What I cannot seem to relate to is the belief that I'm in a committed relationship or marriage while knowing that one or both of us is sleeping with other people. That's not commitment, its convenience. In fact, it's just dating. You're married, but there are middle school kids in more committed relationships than yours.
Let's not forget a little thing called jealousy. Most people I know can't stand catching their significant other even checking out another person, let alone joyfully waving goodbye knowing they are headed over to someone else's place to have sex.
When I'm with someone and we've decided to be committed, to me that means, "OK, you can look (he's going to anyway), but don't you dare touch. If you do I'll make sure you regret it." There is an element of sacrifice in a committed relationship and that sacrifice is not meant to weaken the relationship, but rather make it stronger. The whole point is that the sacrifice is not one-sided. You're supposed to be in this thing together.
When you get to the point in your relationship where you both want to be exclusive, the exclusivity is not just a term, it's supposed to directly relate to you, your heart and your body.
Of course, there are temptations in life and relationships. One person can never be everything to another. That's way too much pressure to put on anyone. There are close to 7 billion people on this little planet (again, we don't know when to stop) you really think that there is only one out there for you? The difference is looking, admiring and not acting on every piece of tail that walks past. You are not a bear!
However, one need only to look at the way we treat marriage, commitment and exclusivity to start to wonder ... have we evolved enough to be that exclusive? Or, is it beneficial to have the option of other people along with the knowledge of your partner's lovers right out there in the open rather than hiding under lies and deception or simply trying to ignore the signs?
If you go into a marriage or "committed relationship" knowing that one or both of you will be seeing and likely sleeping with multiple people, good luck to you. I don't get the point of getting married, or pretending you're committed, maybe it's for the tax break or health insurance, but otherwise, why bother? Why not just date, sleep with whomever you want and move on without ever putting a more significant label on any of it?
I don't understand the concept and I know I couldn't be a willing participant in polyamory, but I do have to give credit to the couples on that news story sharing their lifestyle choices. What works for one person or couple doesn't always work or make sense to another, but that doesn't necessarily make it wrong ... I guess.
No, the OnMilwaukee.com sex columnist's real name is not Sarah Foster. (Foster is the model/actress that played an ex-lover of Vincent Chase in the first season of "Entourage.") In reality, our sex columnist is a Wisconsin native with a degree in journalism and a knack for getting people to talk to her.
Sarah never considered herself an "above average" listener. Others, however, seem to think differently. Perhaps she has a sympathetic tone or expression that compels people to share their lives and secrets with her despite how little they know her. Everyone from the girl that does her hair to people in line at the grocery store routinely spill the details of their lives and relationships to Sarah, unprompted but typically not unwanted. It’s strange to her that people would do this, but she doesn’t mind. Sarah likes that she can give advice even if it is to complete strangers.
So why the pseudonym? Simple. People tell Sarah these things because for some reason they trust her. They believe she cares and therefore will keep their secrets in a locked vault the same way a best friend or therapist would. Sarah won't name names, but that vault is now unlocked.
