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Milwaukee's Daily Magazine for Monday, Sept. 22, 2014

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In Living Commentary

OnMilwaukee.com's Molly Snyder was a Sybaris virgin prior to Tuesday night.

In Living Commentary

Prepare for wetness: All Sybaris suites include a pool and / or whirlpool.

In Living Commentary

We didn't have a slide, but we did have a waterfall.

In Living Commentary

Do rose petals really enhance romance?

In Living Commentary

BYOC (bring your own Champagne) but plastic glasses are provided.

In Living Commentary

Matching mauve toilet and bidet.

In Living Commentary

The massager chair topped with white bath robes.

In Living Commentary

The outside of Sybaris suites is bland in comparison to the inside.

Romantic or raunchy: A sexy slide into Sybaris


You've seen the commercials. You've heard the rumors. And you might have even wondered what it would be like to spend a night at the Sybaris Pool Suites.

Earlier this week, I did.

When my partner and I pulled up to the Sybaris, 10240 N. Cedarburg Rd. in Mequon, we were a bit surprised by the appearance. It was more plain looking from the outside than we expected. Also, it's attached to the former home of the Brew City Grill that closed in March and now just looks abandoned.

We walked into the Sybaris office, which has a variety of items for sale, including T-shirts, Kama Sutra brand oils and lotions, foreplay card games and bath fizz balls. (Yeah, three paragraphs in and I already said "balls"). There was also a large, framed photo of founder Ken Knudson, and a friendly woman standing behind the desk.

She gave us a map of the grounds and pointed out the location of our room – called the Majestic Suite. Also, she handed us more information about the room, including which channels were the "free adult entertainment." Finally, she asked us to sign a waiver saying we wouldn't have any guests in the room with us. (I suddenly wished I had a couple of blow-up dolls sitting in the backseat of my car that I could have pointed to and asked, "Do they count?")

We signed the waiver and drove to our room. From the outside, it appeared very boring – just a row of plain structures that seem to have windows (they don't; the "windows" are fake). The suite, however, was completely different. It was a lot of things, but "boring" was certainly not one of them.

Walking into the space from the sunny outdoors was a disorienting experience. The room was very dark with the exception of purple lights framing a mirror hanging over the king-sized, rose-petal-covered bed.

The air felt cold – the air conditioning was on but we were able to turn it off – and multiple speakers piped "Anyway You Want It" by Journey. (The music was set to B93.3 and we left it on for a while because the playlist was just too perfect for a Sybaris visit. "Oh, What A Night" by The Four Seasons and Whitney Houston's "Saving All My Love For You" came on later).

Because most of the walls are mirrors, our entry into the dim suite was even more confusing at first because the reflections created an "infinity room effect." The smell of chlorine and dampness was detectable.

We turned on a few more lights – there are so many lighting options – and started to wander around, noting the furniture and the amenities, also inspecting for cleanliness.

Aside from the bed (which had a pillow-top and was very comfortable), the suite featured a 22-foot pool, a reclining "back massager" chair adjustable by buttons on the arm, a gas fireplace visible from both the sleeping and swimming area, twin sinks, a bidet next to the toilet, a microwave, a mini-fridge and a few carpeted platforms and ledges.

A flat screen television was suspended from the ceiling. It is way too small for the space; however, it was positioned in a way that made the images reflect from many of the wall mirrors. Quite the visual when tuned to one of the adult entertainment channels.

In general, the room featured a lot of mauve carpeting, wood trim and fake flowers.

The pool area also had a steam room and a massive palm tree mural on the only wall that wasn't covered in mirrors. The swimming / steam room was a lot warmer and humid than the sleeping area – they are divided by a glass wall – and smelled a little dank.

Overall, the suite had the feel of a rec room basement meets the set of an '80s porn film meets a love cave. But that's not to say we didn't have fun, because we did. For us, it wasn't a romantic paradise, rather we found it funny and weird, and it really did make us feel like we were cut off from the world. This is always a good thing.

As advised, we brought our own music (The Cure worked well with the environment: "I kissed you in the water ..."), our own food (sushi, grapes, chips / salsa and banana bread, but no oysters) and our own drinks (the proverbial bottle of champagne – how can you not? – and a few beers).

We swam, we steamed, we soaked in the hot tub and we watched free porn (disappointing as usual, so much ink and so little hair). We took photos with the hundreds of rose petals scattered on the bed, creating our very own private "American Beauty" moments. We laughed a lot. A lot. Page 1 of 2 (view all on one page)

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Talkbacks

TosaJim | April 16, 2013 at 8:45 a.m. (report)

I'm pretty sure they have hidden video cameras all over the place. :) You may all be porn stars and not even know it. :):)

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devidia | June 5, 2012 at 11:32 a.m. (report)

They played B93.3 FM??? What a turn off!!!!!

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Chimmy13 | June 5, 2012 at 10:26 a.m. (report)

Did anyone else notice what was playing on the TV? Awesome!!!

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dagwentim | June 3, 2012 at 9:37 p.m. (report)

It sounds like Mr BlahBlahBlah could benefit more than the rest of us from a Sybaris weekend....ouch! For a light-hearted feature article, exploring a location that many of us have seen but NEVER been to, Molly's take was totally spot on, and I applaud her for writing it. Enjoyable and laughable at the same time. Thanks for sharing your adventure!

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thinkabout | June 3, 2012 at 3:41 p.m. (report)

So much fun to read, Ms. Snyder! Best line, IMO, is "The ghosts of orgasms are everywhere." Sounds a bit like poetry, eh?

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