{image1} Last week, using a "secret ballot," the International Olympic Committee came to the consensus that baseball and softball shall no longer be considered Olympic caliber "sports" in 2012.

Yet rhythmic gymnastics and the "modern Pentathlon" persist.

The former is a "sport" where contestants are judged in how pretty they can swirl a streamer on a stick. The latter is a bit more complicated. Pentathlon combines shooting, fencing, swimming, running - and just to make it even more random - show jumping on horseback!

What? No "underwater shooting" to make it complete? Lame sport.

I think the reason why our sports nation has failed to catch "Modern Pentathlon Fever" is that you can't really jam all of those sporting disciplines into a strip mall location next to a Subway sandwich shop. Where would our next generation of "Modern Pentathletes" go in order to brush up on their varied and illogically grouped "skills?"

Already moms hate driving to soccer practice as it is. How will they feel about driving from the swimming pool, to the track, to the fencing center, to the skeet range, and then back home to hook up the horse trailer in the driveway and drive to the equestrian center?

Employing a sophisticated research tool known as "the Internet" - also known as "Al Gore's Porn Megastore" - I found the origins of this fine sport of pentathlon. And to nobody's surprise, you'll be happy to know that it was invented (wait for it) by a Frenchman!

Here's the official write up...

A young French cavalry officer of the 19th century was sent on horseback to deliver a message. He rode across the uneven terrain, through enemy lines, and was confronted by a soldier with his sword drawn. Challenged to a duel, the officer won, only to have his horse shot out from under him by another enemy soldier.

After felling that soldier with a single shot, the officer ran on. He swam across a raging river, and then finally he delivered the message. So, legend has it, was born the modern pentathlon.

The brainchild of Baron Pierre de Coubertin, founder of the modern Olympic Games, the event was based upon the unlucky officer and introduced into the Stockholm Games of 1912. Only remotely resembling the ancient pentathlon inspired by the warmongering Spartans, modern pentathletes shoot, fence, swim, compete in show jumping and run - five events testing endurance as well as athletic versatility.

Somehow this French officer resisted the urge to engage in summit talks with the enemy soldier, and lobby his government to provide economic aid to the soldier's country so they could address the "underlying issues" that led to this guy challenging him to a duel in the woods in the first place.

And with that vigorous swim through a raging river, at least the Frenchman smelled good when he got there.

Ba-dum-dum! But hey, seriously folks, you've been a great crowd. There are more jokes buried in those three paragraphs than a Steve Martin double-album.

So baseball and softball are out in 2012. We'll deal with it. It's not like good sports haven't come and gone over the years. Here's a list of sports that were once in the Olympics, but have since gone the way of "One Handed Weightlifting" (discontinued in 1906) and "The Rope Climb" (1932).

• "Live Pigeon Shooting" - (1900) Was extremely messy and didn't exactly fit the Olympic spirit of peace and humanity. But good eatin'!

• "Calisthenics" (1952) - "And the winner of the gold medal for jumping jacks is...."

• "Underwater Swimming" (1900) - Proved to be a tough ticket to sell, what with the spectator chairs sitting on the pool bottom and all.

• "Motor Boating" (1908) - You know, at the time, it seemed like a good idea. Now, I'm not sure how you could drug test an Evinrude 450 outboard to make sure it was "clean."

• "Tug of War" (1920) - Hey, if it works for The Superstars, why not the IOC?

• "Cricket" (1900) - Even though the summer games are two weeks long...

• "Plunge" (1904) - Too bad, since the boys at Nestea were just dying to pony up big bucks for a corporate endorsement.

• "Freestyle Javelin" (1908) - Hmmm. Seems to me there's only one really effective way to throw a javelin. Going "freestyle" with one's form on this, seems to be an invite to disaster.

• "56 Pound Weight Throw" (1920) - If we revive this one, can we re-name it the "Nicole Richie Toss?"

• "10,000 Meter Walk" (1952) - Organizers came to realize that in many parts of the world, this "sport" was also being "played" under the name of "getting water for the village."

I could continue, but that would seem like piling on, which ironically was never an Olympic sport to my knowledge. I respect the fact that the Olympic charter must constantly keep their pulse on what's hot and hip right now (even if pentathlon is not) when it comes to granting a sport medal status.

Heck, if they didn't do that, then we'd still have 11 different versions of Olympic Yachting, where they once had different medals for 6M class, 6.5M class, 7M class, 8M class and many others including the popular "18M Centerboard."

Once during the mid-'90s, there was a push to get "Ballroom Dancing" elevated to Olympic medal status. And while the "sport's" lobbyists did get it tried as an "exhibition" sport, the outcry became too great and the orchestra was struck.

Australian sports reporter Ray Chesterton wrote a very negative article that supported the IOC's decision: "No man wearing a dinner suit and a haughty look should ever be in contention for an Olympic gold medal. A headwaiter's job? Maybe. But never an Olympic final. Dancing isn't sport. It's fast walking to music. How difficult can it be?"

Maybe more difficult than hitting an 0-2 slider on the black, but I suppose we'll never know now, will we?