The World Cup has come again, and I feel obligated to try to fix the sport. Fix it, so that it has at least a fighting chance of making it here in America.
Why “fix” a sport that enjoys worldwide popularity, you ask? Because it makes many soccer fans very, very angry, that Homo Americanus Sporticus (The North American Male Sports Fan) simply does not like it.
It enrages “soccer guy” that we don’t “get it.” It infuriates him that his favorite sporting passion is so shunned here at home. It maddens him that the media either ignores soccer altogether, or takes a passing moment to simply scoff at it.
Soccer is the ugly child America never wanted, and refused to take into our home. And that hurts “soccer guy” deeply. I know this. I’ve taken the calls on my radio show. I’ve read all the e-mails.
I’ve heard all the arguments, too:
“If we ever make a deep run in the World Cup, that will change everything.”
“If we get a stable outdoor league in major markets, that will change everything.”
“If we get a decent cable TV deal, that will change everything.”
“If we just sit tight for another generation or two, that will change everything.”
Look, I don’t want to be a party pooper, but none of that is going to “change everything” in this country about soccer. In fact, literally “changing everything” about the game, itself, would be a better idea. But we don’t have to do that.
Let’s see what we can do first, without rendering the game totally unrecognizable. The following things about soccer are simply unacceptable to “Homo Americanus Sporticus.”
Repeat: un-acceptable. Period.
OFFSIDES, AS IT CURRENTLY EXISTS
Just when a player looks like he’s about to make a really exciting run at the goal with the ball, and maybe (just maybe) take a shot that comes close to the net, the whistle blows. Imagine if they blew the whistle when Randy Moss broke free from the cornerback, simply because the ball had yet to reach his hands. How much would that suck? As much as the offsides rule sucks now.
SOLUTIONS: There are many. Eliminating it altogether would be a disaster, I agree. That would put two or three donkeys camping around the goalmouth all game, like illegals at a 7-11 looking for work (or in this case, a soccer game. Ironic, I know). But you could say that once a ball is past-midfield, there is no offsides. You could make a 35 yard line off-sides. You could make it just the penalty box. But no more “trick offsides.” Soccer fans keep saying how we have offsides in football, and nobody complains. Yeah, but that’s because there aren’t 15 of them in a game, like soccer.
ZERO-ZERO TIES
There have been four of these already in the World Cup, and this is supposedly the most high-level and “exciting” soccer tournament in the world. Well, America don’t play that, homie. If tweaking the offsides rule doesn’t fix it, then something else will have to be done. No shame in 6-5 outcomes, lads. Trust us on this one.
SOLUTIONS: Perhaps limit the goalkeeper’s ability to catch and hold the ball in the penalty box area. Perhaps shrink the penalty box. Or, if he feels he MUST catch the ball outside of the actual goal box, then make it a corner kick for the other team. Goalies in hockey who freeze the puck, still have to endure a face off in their zone. It’s a fair trade off. Plus, no more kick backs to the goalie by your own team. If you kick it back to him, then he’s got to kick it, not be able to pick it up and punt it.
YELLOW CARDS and RED CARDS
These are way, waaaayyy too subjective for the American sports fan to accept. It’s total judgment of the referee. And people wonder why so many refs are corrupt in soccer? In soccer, you either make a clean tackle in the eyes of the ref, or a foul.
SOLUTION: Why not give each player three fouls, before he’s ejected. But it won’t be a red card type ejection, where he has to sit the next game. It would just be like fouling out in basketball. Can anyone explain why some tackles are yellow, and some are red? Hell no. And the crooked refs love it that way.
FAKING INJURIES
Oh boy, this is one that Homo Sporticus Americanus really despises. In American sports, sure we have actors. Guys who flop, sell calls, and whine at refs. But holy crap, we’re not total babies! Oooh. You hurt your shin? Too bad, limp it off.
SOLUTION: There’s no reason to stop play for “injuries” -- or “baby time” as I call it. If it’s a foul, then call it, and play the f’ on. If Player X wants to writhe around on the ground and be a little bitch, that’s on his time, nobody else’s. Besides, you have teams now that play entire halves with a man down due to red card, and often don’t miss a beat. I can assure you there would be a lot more guys popping up with a slight limp for a minute or two, instead of this “Theater of the Yeast-Infected” that we have now.
PENALTY KICK
This rule is totally insane. No really, think about it. An attacker gets taken down in the far corner of the penalty kick box, and just because the ref feels like it, he can call for a “penalty kick.” Which really should be called a “free goal.” Because that’s how it is. PK rates of success top 90% with elite players. It’s absurd.
SOLUTION: Move the penalty kick back at least 10 feet, and allow the goalkeeper to move if he feels like it before the kick, including forward if he wants to cut down an angle.
BONUS TIME
In America, we have clocks that are accurate to the 10th of a second. We have referees with whistles that are electronically hooked up to the scoreboard. We have rules regarding what acts can possibly occur within less than one full second of time. We will stop games entirely to look at video replays, to make sure the right amount of game time is left on the clock. In soccer, the ref has a wristwatch. He’ll let you know when the game’s over. Please. Not in this country.
SOLUTION: One clock operator in the stadium, new hand signals for ref to start and stop clock. Solved.
RACISM, VIOLENCE, AND CORRUPTION
These form the holy triumvirate of what truly repulses the American sports fan to international soccer. Hard to embrace a sport where these things are so rampant. The throwing of bananas and making monkey chants at games is truly unbelievable in the year 2006. Unchecked hooliganism makes the concept of bringing your wife and kids to a top level game almost unthinkable. And the corruption. My God, the corruption. Hell, they’ll even let suspended referees back into the World Cup after getting suspended by their federations!!
SOLUTION: Zero tolerance. The “death penalty” for clubs that don’t stamp out racism and violence. The same thing for federations rife with corruption.
Look, I know that these suggestions will never be taken seriously by FIFA. Why should they? The sport works just “fine” for 99% of the world’s countries. They truthfully don’t need America as a market for the game.
But for those soccer fans here in America who desperately want us to embrace the “beautiful game,” that’s a short list of things that will simply need to be addressed first.
Hey, don’t shoot me. I’m just the messenger.
Why “fix” a sport that enjoys worldwide popularity, you ask? Because it makes many soccer fans very, very angry, that Homo Americanus Sporticus (The North American Male Sports Fan) simply does not like it.
It enrages “soccer guy” that we don’t “get it.” It infuriates him that his favorite sporting passion is so shunned here at home. It maddens him that the media either ignores soccer altogether, or takes a passing moment to simply scoff at it.
Soccer is the ugly child America never wanted, and refused to take into our home. And that hurts “soccer guy” deeply. I know this. I’ve taken the calls on my radio show. I’ve read all the e-mails.
I’ve heard all the arguments, too:
“If we ever make a deep run in the World Cup, that will change everything.”
“If we get a stable outdoor league in major markets, that will change everything.”
“If we get a decent cable TV deal, that will change everything.”
“If we just sit tight for another generation or two, that will change everything.”
Look, I don’t want to be a party pooper, but none of that is going to “change everything” in this country about soccer. In fact, literally “changing everything” about the game, itself, would be a better idea. But we don’t have to do that.
Let’s see what we can do first, without rendering the game totally unrecognizable. The following things about soccer are simply unacceptable to “Homo Americanus Sporticus.”
Repeat: un-acceptable. Period.
OFFSIDES, AS IT CURRENTLY EXISTS
Just when a player looks like he’s about to make a really exciting run at the goal with the ball, and maybe (just maybe) take a shot that comes close to the net, the whistle blows. Imagine if they blew the whistle when Randy Moss broke free from the cornerback, simply because the ball had yet to reach his hands. How much would that suck? As much as the offsides rule sucks now.
SOLUTIONS: There are many. Eliminating it altogether would be a disaster, I agree. That would put two or three donkeys camping around the goalmouth all game, like illegals at a 7-11 looking for work (or in this case, a soccer game. Ironic, I know). But you could say that once a ball is past-midfield, there is no offsides. You could make a 35 yard line off-sides. You could make it just the penalty box. But no more “trick offsides.” Soccer fans keep saying how we have offsides in football, and nobody complains. Yeah, but that’s because there aren’t 15 of them in a game, like soccer.
ZERO-ZERO TIES
There have been four of these already in the World Cup, and this is supposedly the most high-level and “exciting” soccer tournament in the world. Well, America don’t play that, homie. If tweaking the offsides rule doesn’t fix it, then something else will have to be done. No shame in 6-5 outcomes, lads. Trust us on this one.
SOLUTIONS: Perhaps limit the goalkeeper’s ability to catch and hold the ball in the penalty box area. Perhaps shrink the penalty box. Or, if he feels he MUST catch the ball outside of the actual goal box, then make it a corner kick for the other team. Goalies in hockey who freeze the puck, still have to endure a face off in their zone. It’s a fair trade off. Plus, no more kick backs to the goalie by your own team. If you kick it back to him, then he’s got to kick it, not be able to pick it up and punt it.
YELLOW CARDS and RED CARDS
These are way, waaaayyy too subjective for the American sports fan to accept. It’s total judgment of the referee. And people wonder why so many refs are corrupt in soccer? In soccer, you either make a clean tackle in the eyes of the ref, or a foul.
SOLUTION: Why not give each player three fouls, before he’s ejected. But it won’t be a red card type ejection, where he has to sit the next game. It would just be like fouling out in basketball. Can anyone explain why some tackles are yellow, and some are red? Hell no. And the crooked refs love it that way.
FAKING INJURIES
Oh boy, this is one that Homo Sporticus Americanus really despises. In American sports, sure we have actors. Guys who flop, sell calls, and whine at refs. But holy crap, we’re not total babies! Oooh. You hurt your shin? Too bad, limp it off.
SOLUTION: There’s no reason to stop play for “injuries” -- or “baby time” as I call it. If it’s a foul, then call it, and play the f’ on. If Player X wants to writhe around on the ground and be a little bitch, that’s on his time, nobody else’s. Besides, you have teams now that play entire halves with a man down due to red card, and often don’t miss a beat. I can assure you there would be a lot more guys popping up with a slight limp for a minute or two, instead of this “Theater of the Yeast-Infected” that we have now.
PENALTY KICK
This rule is totally insane. No really, think about it. An attacker gets taken down in the far corner of the penalty kick box, and just because the ref feels like it, he can call for a “penalty kick.” Which really should be called a “free goal.” Because that’s how it is. PK rates of success top 90% with elite players. It’s absurd.
SOLUTION: Move the penalty kick back at least 10 feet, and allow the goalkeeper to move if he feels like it before the kick, including forward if he wants to cut down an angle.
BONUS TIME
In America, we have clocks that are accurate to the 10th of a second. We have referees with whistles that are electronically hooked up to the scoreboard. We have rules regarding what acts can possibly occur within less than one full second of time. We will stop games entirely to look at video replays, to make sure the right amount of game time is left on the clock. In soccer, the ref has a wristwatch. He’ll let you know when the game’s over. Please. Not in this country.
SOLUTION: One clock operator in the stadium, new hand signals for ref to start and stop clock. Solved.
RACISM, VIOLENCE, AND CORRUPTION
These form the holy triumvirate of what truly repulses the American sports fan to international soccer. Hard to embrace a sport where these things are so rampant. The throwing of bananas and making monkey chants at games is truly unbelievable in the year 2006. Unchecked hooliganism makes the concept of bringing your wife and kids to a top level game almost unthinkable. And the corruption. My God, the corruption. Hell, they’ll even let suspended referees back into the World Cup after getting suspended by their federations!!
SOLUTION: Zero tolerance. The “death penalty” for clubs that don’t stamp out racism and violence. The same thing for federations rife with corruption.
Look, I know that these suggestions will never be taken seriously by FIFA. Why should they? The sport works just “fine” for 99% of the world’s countries. They truthfully don’t need America as a market for the game.
But for those soccer fans here in America who desperately want us to embrace the “beautiful game,” that’s a short list of things that will simply need to be addressed first.
Hey, don’t shoot me. I’m just the messenger.
Steve is a native Washingtonian and has worked in sports talk radio for the last 11 years. He worked at WTEM in 1993 anchoring Team Tickers before he took a full time job with national radio network One-on-One Sports.
A graduate of UC Santa Barbara, Steve has worked for WFNZ in Charlotte where his afternoon show was named "Best Radio Show." Steve continues to serve as a sports personality for WLZR in Milwaukee and does fill-in hosting for Fox Sports Radio.
