"The Bachelor" began its 21st season last night with Nick Viall at the center, the worst contestant in the reality dating show's history.

Yes, plenty of people come out on the losing end of "The Bachelor," oftentimes embarrassing themselves on the way out. But no one has failed as often as Milwaukee's own Viall, appearing on "The Bachelorette" twice, as well as last year's "Bachelor in Paradise," only to be limo-ed away each time just as single as he limo-ed in. One would think after three failed attempts at finding love with ABC's dating simulator, he'd try a different tact – maybe start swiping around Tinder and Bumble – but here he is, yet again looking for Chris Harrison-narrated love. You gotta appreciate the commitment, I guess.

In addition to being the 2008 Detroit Lions of "The Bachelor," however, Viall wasn't great at endearing himself to #BachelorNation over his past "Bachelorette" seasons, so last night's premiere had to do some work to redeem its lead and make the three-time failure someone with whom audiences want to spend the next months participating in one of the our nation's most beloved sleazy dating set-ups. And to the show's credit, by the end of the first 15 minutes of introduction, Nick seemed to win over any critics in the crowd, appearing repentant and heartbroken and as close to sincere as one can try to be on "The Bachelor."

Having him be shirtless a lot and catching him shower all naked and handsome probably helped, too. 

After the intros – and some generic advice from past "Bachelor" contestants Sean Lowe, Chris Soules and Ben Higgins – the show began its long introductory barrage of lady suitors. Thirty, to be exact, which made it even more difficult than usual to keep track of who was who. As a not-particularly seasoned "Bachelor" viewer admittedly easily distracted by exciting tweet updates coming from the Rose Bowl and Bucks-Thunder games I wasn't watching, I was overwhelmed by all the quickly edited intros of generic small talk and forced quirky icebreakers, and found myself wishing I had a flowchart or something to help tell everyone apart – especially considering many of them decided to wear red as their dress color of choice. As a newcomer, I recommend "Hello, my name is" stickers for future premieres. 

No wonder everyone's favorite character from episode one was Shark/Dolphin Woman, whose real name is Alexis – other than the obvious reason that she freaking showed up to "The Bachelor" rocking a shark costume with heels. 

Despite the all-red cavalcade, a few of the contestants managed to make strong impressions on both Nick and viewers – for both the better and the worse. Here are my early contenders and pretenders from episode one – plus a few highlights and lowlights. 

Gone

Eight women were shown the door: Angela, Jasmine, Olivia, Ida Marie, Briana, Lauren Hussey, Susannah and Michelle. I remember none of them – except for Lauren, who got things going in her chat with Nick by pointing out his last name is a synonym for "repulsive and gross" while hers is a synonym for "skank." Intriguing approach. 

Contenders 

1. Rachel

Yes, Rachel is an easy pick for an early contender since she won the almighty First Impression Rose, but even from her first interaction with Nick – literally the first one of the very busy night – there seemed to be something clicking. The fact that those early sparks managed to stay lit all the way through the hectic bombardment of introductions and camels and books with cold hot dogs in them says a lot. She's smart. She's age appropriate. She shoots delightfully devastating side eye. Duh, she's an early winner – and I'm not just saying that because she went to Marquette, which means the longer she stays in the contest, the more likely we are to get a Real Chili reference on "The Bachelor."

2. Vanessa 

The sultry French-speaking Vanessa (take that, Lady Who Spoke German; should've gone with a Romance language, duh!) may not have won the First Impression Rose or had some big moment that clearly put her in the spotlight for the evening, but it seemed obvious in her interactions with Nick that there's chemistry there. Nick said, "That's a keeper," when the Quebec native walked away after their first chat, and even though their second one was cut short by the uber-motivated Corinne (more on her shortly!), they seemed to be hitting it off in an easy, flirty way. She's currently my early pick to win Nick's heart by the end of the season – or if not that, win a role as the next Bachelorette. 

3. Corinne 

I don't like this any more than you do. When she came floating in on a giant watermelon, bragging about her awesome, fabulous life running a multi-million dollar company (her parents', natch) Corinne played like a parody of the classic dating show villain. She's a 24-year-old with a nanny who talks with no sense of self-awareness that SHE'S A 24-YEAR-OLD WITH A FRIGGIN' NANNY. And she didn't do much to undercut that impression by busting out the evening's first "Hey, can I steal you for a second?" (in the middle of the much more casual and cool Vanessa's chat time, no less, grumble, grumble) in order to lay the season's first make-out session on Nick. 

Still, Corinne clearly made her impact on Nick – who, while improved, is definitely shallow enough to be easily impressed and swayed by sex – and, most importantly, she quickly carved herself a juicy role for the rest of the season, so there's no way ABC is letting that drama go quickly. Even if the season preview at the end of the episode didn't heavily feature Corinne and her metallic body part ratings system, it wouldn't be hard to predict that this can of TV drama kerosene isn't going anywhere soon. 

In the running: Danielle M.

She had easy, low-key chemistry with Nick in their chat, and she works with babies, which is instant endearment. Speaking of instant endearment, she's originally from Wisconsin, made a Germantown reference and arrived with a small jug of homemade maple syrup. Don't think she'll need anymore sap in order to stick around for a while (oh god, the terrible puns from last night are contagious!). 

Pretenders

1. Shark/Dolphin Woman (Alexis)

Again, I don't like this any more than you do. Here we all were, watching a generally bland parade of interchangeable red-clad contestants – and then in struts aspiring dolphin trainer Alexis in heels and a dolphin costume that's definitely a shark costume (helps explain the "aspiring" part of her job title), making clicking sounds, wading drunkenly into a pool and just being the best. By the end of the episode, Alexis was every viewer's new hot-mess best friend. 

Unfortunately, next week, Alexis is probably going to have to wear something other than her signature shark/dolphin costume – and I fear without her quirky fashion choice, she'll have a hard time making a splash (warned you about the puns) among the more conventional candidates. She won't last long on "The Bachelor," but her run will have been worth it for the hilarious images in my head of camera operators frustratingly trying to get their big dramatic shots of the women awaiting their fates without getting Left Shark in the frame. 

2. Liz

Um, well, bold approach to hop onto a dating reality show in the hopes of confronting a one-night-stand that you originally took a pass on dating before. There's a real lack of sincerity with her approach that even had Nick calling her out – though her attempt at "mystery" seems to have at least hooked him for now. More importantly, she hooked the producers with the ABC-mandated drama factor, but eventually that'll come out – as the season preview at the end showed – and when it does, she'll likely be jettisoned. After all, being mysterious eventually comes off as being untrustworthy – something she's already going to have to battle after her season-premiere sneak attack.

3. Josephine

Sorry, but talking to animals, making poor wiener puns and being generally a little over-caffeinated isn't going to make you memorably quirky enough when another contestant arrived in a shark costume and heels, making drunken clicking sounds. Standard issue goofy just ain't going to cut it up against someone making their entrance as a rejected minor league baseball team mascot. 

Oh hi, Wisconsin!

Milwaukee viewers looking forward to seeing a local boy in the spotlight were probably disappointed to see Chicago get most of that sweet, sweet B-roll footage during the opening introduction montage. But we still weren't lacking for Wisconsin love last night. A quick jaunt to Nick's hometown to play catch with his little sister brought a shot of the Waukesha sign – plus Rachel is a Marquette grad and Danielle M., talking about her Sconnie roots, dropped a Germantown reference. 

Fantasy update

I joined ABC's Bachelor fantasy league – under the name "PerfectlyGroomedStubble" – and Week 1 went pretty well! I predicted several of the answers correctly, and I started Kyle Rudolph, who netted me 28 points with a touchdown and 117 yards (wait, wrong fantasy league). However, my "close your eyes and throw a dart" approach to the First Impression Rose prediction was a flop, so now I'll probably never win that trip to the "After the Final Rose" taping. 2017 is the worst. 

Who didn't come here to make friends?

There is no doubt that Corinne's dropping the iconic reality show line, "I didn't come here to make friends." That's definitely happening – probably at least once every episode. Unfortunately, it never happened last night. Again, 2017 is the worst. 

Gazing meaningfully into the distance on a bridge/beach count

Our calculator broke after about the 117th meaningful stare into the sunset – so about 27 minutes into the premiere. 

Line of the night

The obvious winner belongs to Corinne's "My heart is gold, but my vagine is platinum," an impressive work of Shakespearean-level prose. Unfortunately, since that was in the season preview and therefore from a future episode, it gets disqualified. So tonight's line goes to Nick's early analysis of Alexis: "I have a shark; she thinks she's a dolphin. That's a concern." Especially for her future plans of dolphin training, Nick. 

Anti-line of the night goes to Lauren Hussey, who thought insulting someone's last name was a strong icebreaker approach. 

Mom comments

I am admittedly not a particularly knowledgeable of "Bachelor" viewers ... but luckily, my mom is! She also landed on Vanessa as her early pick for the final rose winner, as well as joined me in groaningly rolling our eyes when both Liz and Corinne received roses at the end of the night, arguing their selections were more ABC's than Nick's. She also seemed decently won over by Nick's sadsack act, impressive since when I brought him up prior to watching the show, she made a face similar to one smelling a recent fart. Good job, "Bachelor" editors and writers, for a successful image rehabilitation!

Also, my mom told me I would be a good choice for "The Bachelor," which was both very sweet and very insulting. I may have to reassess my life choices – though I probably should've realized that when I agreed to recap "The Bachelor" in the first place.