By OnMilwaukee Staff Writers   Published May 20, 2008 at 5:36 AM
Back in 2001, we first published our list of "100 things not to do in Milwaukee." It quickly became one of's most popular articles of all time. But as the years passed, so did the jokes. For example, "No. 5. Take a custard order from Deputy Police Chief Monica Ray," makes almost no sense to anyone anymore ...

So, we shut down the old list and started fresh. Relax, get ready to laugh at yourself, and enjoy this new list of 100 things not to do in Milwaukee. And as always, post your suggestions using the Talkback feature below.

  1. Invite Prince Fielder to a pig roast.
  2. Add unnecessary possessives to every restaurant / store name. (Nomad's, Barnes and Noble's, etc.)
  3. Order extra butter on the Kopp's butter burger; choke down with a custard shake.
  4. Ladies: Wear a bikini to Summerfest.
  5. Gentlemen: Take your shirt off at Summerfest.
  6. Try to smoke at Palm Tavern.
  7. Talk your way out of a speeding ticket by claiming to know Art Jones.
  8. Root, root, root for the Cubbies at Miller Park.
  9. Ask Mike Gousha about Channel 4.
  10. Ask Channel 4 about Mike Gousha.
  11. Trample children to get a free T-shirt at Wave game.
  12. Order a brat at Beans & Barley.
  13. Try to take 794 to 43-North or South.
  14. Fight the Bronze Fonz.
  15. Order a Coors at Miller Park.
  16. Break the rules at Northern Chocolate.
  17. Try to find Art's Concertina Bar, Bryant's and Goldman's.
  18. Expect Bob & Brian to play music.
  19. Call, "Milwaukee Online."
  20. Expect to get into Soho 7 in tennis shoes.
  21. Order a Miller Lite at Sugar Maple.
  22. Wear sweatpants to Carnevor.
  23. Ask where all the hot guys are at Walker's Pint.
  24. Put away your shovel before May.
  25. Wear Packers apparel to a Brewers game ... or on any other day other than Sunday.
  26. Expect Tom Barrett and Scott Walker to agree on transportation.
  27. Wear a shirt to Miller Park that says "I have a Hart on for Corey" and expect to get on TV.
  28. Forget to celebrate Hallowang every April.
  29. Attempt to use the drive-thru at Jake's Deli.
  30. Wear zubaz ... ever.
  31. Ask Brian Ritchie if he likes Wendy's chili.
  32. Bitch about the Summerfest lineup.
  33. Not bitch about the Summerfest lineup.
  34. Go swimming after MMSD sewage dump.
  35. Expect real news on on April 1.
  36. Expect real news on Channel 4 any night at 10 p.m.
  37. Order a steak at Kegel's on a Friday night.
  38. Bring regulation bowling ball to Koz's Mini Bowl.
  39. Fondle the paintings at Milwaukee Art Museum.
  40. Look for a Nordstrom at Grand Avenue.
  41. Forget to bring a coat when winter shopping at Bayshore.
  42. Try to play the organ at Organ Piper Pizza.
  43. Dive into the Milwaukee River.
  44. Swing a bat at the sausage racers at Miller Park.
  45. Refer to the US Cellular arena as the Mecca.
  46. Take your grandma to Brewers opening day.
  47. Tell a friend that a Pat McCurdy concert is "totally different" the second time.
  48. Pass up  the free samples of taco dip at Metro Market.
  49. Perpetuate the rumor that the snake button at the Milwaukee Public Museum is really gone.
  50. Ride your Honda crotch rocket to Harley Fest.
  51. Shop for Roundy's generic brand at Sendik's.
  52. Show up at the Safe House without the password.
  53. Bring your Starbucks mug to Alterra.
  54. Underestimate the devotion of Bucks superfan Freeway.
  55. Go to a Brewers game without tailgating.
  56. Expect the Marquette Interchange to be free of construction.
  57. Ask for stadium seating at the Oriental theater.
  58. Try to play a little pick-up bocce on the Lake Park Lawn Bowling turf.
  59. Hire Elton John to headline your 100th birthday party.
  60. Forget to designate a driver before doing the Lakefront Brewery tour.
  61. Ask for a "call" margarita at Conejito's.
  62. Call Art Bar a "gay bar."
  63. Wait for the No. 20 bus.
  64. Use a credit card at Three Brothers.
  65. Mistake Walker's Point for the 5th Ward.
  66. Buy "Fresh Lake Michigan shrimp."
  67. Try to put your bike on a bus bike rack.
  68. Ask "Is it cold enough for ya?" on a winter day.
  69. Bring your ice skates to Mayfair.
  70. Order your food hot at Thai Kitchen without bringing along a fire extinguisher.
  71. Haggle with the Pepperoni Cannoli guy.
  72. Send Mike McGee a file in a cake.
  73. Ask for plastic bags at Whole Foods.
  74. Ask for a happy ending at a Third Ward spa.
  75. Speed on the Lake Parkway.
  76. Avoid a restaurant that was featured on "Dirty Dining" without context.
  77. Try to hail or call a cab.
  78. Refer to the city's only skyscraper as the First Wisconsin building.
  79. Take over old Coast Guard station in protest of Native American rights.
  80. Order a steak at Café Manna.
  81. Send your teen to do your shopping on Friday or Saturday evening at Mayfair Mall.
  82. Put off shopping for linens and / or things at the Grand Avenue Mall, saying, "Eh, this gift card is good until 2010."
  83. Expect that a parking checker can and will just stop writing you a ticket.
  84. Try to eat a whole spinach pie at Old Town.
  85. Sass Mike Romans.
  86. Try to use your cell phone at Landmark Lanes.
  87. Ask for a tour of Great Lakes Distillery.
  88. Try to bring in food or drinks at the Hwy. 18 Drive-In.
  89. Try to ride the Zipper at Summerfest.
  90. Wear an "I Hate Mullets" shirt to State Fair.
  91. Wear a "MILF Island" shirt to Betty Brinn Children's Museum.
  92. Expect to get a word in edgewise with AM talk radio hosts.
  93. Be the two-fisted slobber.
  94. Expect to eat lunch at the Intermodal Station.
  95. Order without asking prices first at 4th Base.
  96. Order a fish fry on a Tuesday at Serb Hall.
  97. Suggest building a soccer stadium Downtown.
  98. Park anywhere on the East Side during the winter.
  99. Name your first-born son "Brett Lorenzo."
  100. Post a Talkback saying this list is lame.