Aaron Rodgers turned 32 years old on Wednesday. Happy birthday!

Rodgers said last week he hopes to play another 10 years, which, if he did so, would give him a season at age 42 – or, one year older than Brett Favre was in his final Vikings season.

Favre-one-upmanship aside, that seems unlikely, especially given the league’s current oldest quarterback, Denver’s Peyton Manning, has suffered major injuries and performance atrophy the last couple years.

Since he probably doesn’t have another decade of NFL quarterbacking left in him, Rodgers – and every fan of the Packers – deserves what he wants now. Of course, what he really wants is a Super Bowl, but you never get what you really want, which is why gift cards are great, but there are no gift cards for championships, and anyway Rodgers needs a lot of other stuff before he can even consider a trophy.

So think of this list then, Aaron, as less like the bow-wrapped luxury dream car you want, and more like the interior detailing, new floor mats, fixed windshield wipers, GPS mount, hanging rearview-mirror cheesehead ornament and coupon for discounted oil change that you need in order to drive this old, familiar Packers offense efficiently and effectively – just like you used to.

Going into Thursday night's must-win game against the Lions, and because the December gift-giving season has begun, here are 23 birthday presents we’d like to give Aaron Rodgers. They're broken up by category – materialistic, experiential, nostalgic and pipe dream – and none of the categories are Olivia Munn.

Materialistic

1. Body armor: Rodgers has been sacked 26 times this year, and last week he lost feeling in his hand after a hard Bears hit. He needs better protection, and if it’s not going to come from the offensive line, it needs to come from somewhere else. The Defense Department? The costume designers from Terminator? Something with a lot of alloys. Maybe chain mail.

2. Shaving kit: Rodgers has admirably participated in Movember for years, not shaving and – until last season – growing out appalling mustaches every November. This time around, with a strong beard, the month was a nightmare for him: a 79.8 passer rating (his lowest rating for a full season is 93.8) and four losses in five games. All we know is he made the 2010 playoff run clean-shaved and won the Super Bowl with a smooth face.

3. New tablet: He broke his.

4. A hoodie: Look, we hated the James Jones hoodie hoopla as much as anyone, but you can't argue with results. Jones wore it once and caught six passes for 109 yards and touchdown; the games before and after, without the hoodie, he was catch-less. Get Rodgers a hoodie. Even if it doesn’t improve him on the field, it'll let him hide away under cover on the sideline after all those three-and-outs.

5. Stress vest: Not the kind police officers use for tactical training; we’re talking about what you put on a distressed dog to alleviate its anxiety. Rodgers, understandably given the horrible quality of play around him, has expressed much more visible frustration and impatience on the field lately. Whether it’s a coach’s bad play call, a receiver’s dropped pass, a lineman’s missed block or a sportswriter’s stupid listicle, Rodgers – with the help of a nice, sedating stress vest – will be able to refrain from demonstrable displays of exasperation and retain his self-control.

6. Russell Wilson’s magic water: This past offseason, the Seahawks' quarterback claimed a brand of water in which he’s invested healed a concussion and helped him stay healthy and play well. Far be it from us to question the God-fearing, marketing-savvy Wilson; if the miracle water worked for the former Badger, it’s worth drinking for Rodgers.

7. Red jersey: Quarterbacks wear special red jerseys in practice to remind defenders not to hit them – sort of the opposite of a bullfighting dynamic. The Packers have worn throwback navy-blue uniforms for games; why not a red one to keep Rodgers safe from rampaging opponents? 

8. Deflated footballs: We’re not trying to fan the Deflategate flame here, and Rodgers has actually said he much prefers the balls to be over-inflated and very hard. But softer footballs are easier to catch, and the Packers receivers need all the help they can get in that regard. Science.

9. R-E-L-A-X-themed items: Plush blankets, soft throw pillows and comfy pajamas, all with his famous, spelled-out plea to Packers fans in 2014 to "R-E-L-A-X." They would help calm Rodgers' nerves, soothe his stress, restore his body and revitalize his winning spirit. You don’t get to relax much as the quarterback of the Packers, but it’s important the objects and energies surrounding Rodgers communicate that crucial Zen.

Experiential

10. Detroit blitzes: For years, the cerebral Rodgers was considered one of the NFL’s best quarterbacks against the blitz. His shrewdness, mobility and accuracy helped him dissect and destroy defenses that sent extra pass rushers. Last season, Rodgers led the league with a passer rating of 130.4 against the blitz; since 2008 he has the highest passer rating (110.5) and the most touchdowns (78) facing it, according to Stats LLC. Rodgers hasn’t been as good this year, and struggled often in Week 10 against the Lions' onslaught, but history suggests he’ll return to form. Bring on the blitz, Detroit, and Rodgers will likely beat it.

11. Playmaking tight end: Since Jermichael Finley’s neck injury ended his career, the Packers haven’t had a bona-fide, big-play, field-stretching, seam-busting tight end for Rodgers to throw to down the middle. Richard Rodgers is slow, Justin Perillo is average and Kennard Backman is unproven. Just in time, Andrew Quarless is making his return from injured reserve Thursday and the athletic veteran could give Rodgers the weapon he needs. 

12. "SNL" hosting gig: Rodgers has reiterated that hosting "Saturday Night Live" is one of his dearest ambitions. He’s done the "Discount Double Check" commercials and isn’t a stranger to the stage at events and award shows. Producer Lorne Michaels is from Canada, so he’s probably not a Packers fan, but maybe in the spirit of Wisconsin native and show legend Chris Farley – who died 18 years ago on Dec. 18 – SNL can book Rodgers and make him so happy he starts throwing the football well again.

13. Counseling sessions: Not with Munn, the actress and girlfriend often idiotically blamed for Rodgers’ poor play. We’re talking about counseling sessions with his wide receivers. Rodgers has said the communication and connection with his wideouts, a group that changes in health and effectiveness almost weekly, needs improvement. A few years ago, Rodgers and Finley had known chemistry issues that both said were worked through with off-field chats. If football players won’t do counseling, then let's get them all on a family phone plan so they can talk it out.

14. Civic honor: Is there a statue of Rodgers outside Butte Community College? And why hasn’t Green Bay dedicated a street to him yet? The current head coach has one, Mike McCarthy Way. What about the man most people think is responsible for 95 percent of the team’s success? Monuments make people feel appreciated!

15. Spa weekend: After the Packers play Thursday night, they’ll have the weekend off. That’s a perfect time for Rodgers to take his own advice and R-E-L-A-X. Maybe take Olivia for a couple’s massage and a little R&R. We’re happy to offer the two of them an exclusive coupon good for "One (1) Free Backrub," courtesy of an OnMilwaukee staffer.

Nostalgic

16. Championship belt: We haven’t seen Rodgers’ famous move in a while, and rightfully so as there hasn’t been much to celebrate. But this may be the perfect time to remind him that last year a Lions linebacker mocked Rodgers’ title-belt move (and in the process suffered a karmic, season-ending knee injury). Perhaps Detroit, which beat Green Bay a few weeks ago, needs to remember which team actually is a champion – the Lions have never even played in the Super Bowl.

17. Old newspaper clippings and pictures: Hey Aaron, remember the Super Bowl? Standing on the stage with the championship trophy, game MVP award and title belt alongside Clay Matthews? Wasn’t that great? How about the memories of the 15-1 regular season and the awards and all the headlines about you maybe being the best ever? Remember photobombing the pregame captain’s picture? Wasn’t that fun? Let’s have fun again! Please, can we have fun again?

18. Shoulder chip: Rodgers is notorious for holding onto old slights – real and perceived – and using doubts to fuel his desire to be great. If there’s anyone who wants to volunteer to throw an insult at Rodgers, be it passing-related or height-related or something else, that would be great. Rodgers might eviscerate you with a wry smirk and sarcastic stab, but it would be the ultimate, greater-good Packer fan sacrifice. Ce could also just remind him about draft day in 2005 or that skeptical college professor. 

19. No. 80 and 85 WR jerseys: In the past, Rodgers has given teammates presents – including male stripper thongs for Christmas in 2013 – so it’s time they get him a gift. If all the receivers – or at least No. 17 Davante Adams and No. 89 James Jones – wore Donald Driver’s old No. 80 and Jennings’ No. 85, perhaps the memories of wideouts who could frequently get open and dependably catch the ball would re-inspire the Packers’ stalling offense. (Perillo currently wears No. 80, but … that can be changed.)

Pipe dreams

20. Time machine: Whether he wants to go all the way back to last year, when he was in the process of winning his second MVP award, or just to six weeks ago, when the Packers were 6-0 and he was cruising, Rodgers would love a love a time-travel device. Before the Week 7 bye, Rodgers' passer rating was 114.2; since then it’s 79.8. Given how much he loves 80s movies and really needs it, Rodgers deserves a DeLorean.

21. Signed Favre jersey: Favre and the franchise seem to finally be at peace, and many Packers fans have called for the careful-throwing Rodgers to play a little more like the old gunslinger. A signed No. 4 jersey might just motivate No. 12 to try a couple more downfield gambles.

22. Tom Brady’s training: Whatever the two-time MVP and four-time Super Bowl champion is doing to keep playing at such an elite level, now at age 38, Rodgers has to be doing, too. Maybe it’s nutrition or workout regimen or just good luck; we’ll leave the speculating to the Facebook commenters. But clearly there’s a secret. Rodgers needs that training secret.

23. Jordy Nelson: Or at least a new ACL for the injured wide receiver’s knee. The Packers never fathomed how much they’d miss their big-play No. 1 wideout. Unfortunately, Nelson is not coming back this season, regardless of how much Rodgers wants and needs him. And this one just makes us sad. 

Anyway, no matter what presents Rodgers gets for his birthday, there's a party favor he must give out: cans of Stickum spray for his receivers. FOR CATCHING THE BALL.