A new year means new hope, new aspirations and a new opportunity to seize the day, to reassess your life choices and to be the best possible person you can be, helping to make the best possible world. So after simultaneously looking back and looking forward, what tone would January 1 set for the rest of 2018? 

More than two dozen women and 14 Laurens all competing for the heart of a human skinny tie rack on "The Bachelor." Listen, there's 365 days in a year; they're not all going to be winners. 

Monday night marked the season premiere of ABC's "The Bachelor," somehow not starring America's favorite silver fox silver medalist Peter. Maybe it's because he's soured on the show and would rather continue his days filling up kiddie pools like a stud. Maybe it's because former "Bachelorette" Rachel Lindsay salted that ground during last year's finale by constantly saying, "YOU'RE NOT RIGHT FOR THIS SHOW," because he didn't immediately want to get married on a reality TV show. Either way, nice try, "Bachelor" producers, trying to slip a different salt-and-pepper-haired guy into the leading role and thinking we wouldn't notice it's not Peter. I don't care how many Twitter love poems Nick Viall writes in Arie's honor; it's Peter or GTFO #NotMyBachelor. (I would also accept a Kenny or Diggy season as penance). 

Does Arie have frosted tips? To be fair, I don’t know what frosted tips are, but it looks like he got em. #thebachelor #notmypeter — Diggy Moreland (@diggymoreland) January 2, 2018

So anyways ... Arie Luyendyk, Jr. He's a guy who exists! He races cars (actually he's in real estate, but hey, do what you can to sell this season, guys). He looks a lot like ABC news anchor David Muir, which means every time he's on screen, I halfway expect him to start discussing the state of the Middle East before throwing to a reporter standing by in Kabul.

That would be a lot more interesting than his actual story, which the premiere spent the first ten minutes rehashing. Five years ago, he was on "The Bachelorette," and he got pretty far before he got his heart broken by Emily Maynard. He didn't take it great, eventually leaving his journal on her doorstep so she could read his profound words of love. She didn't bother reading it (in her defense, she was just really starting to get into "The Hunger Games") but more realistically, his diary was probably just terrible poetry scribbles, embarrassing sketches and half-completed games of Hangman.

But enough wheel-spinning; it's time for the self-proclaimed "most important race of Arie's life" (which doesn't say much for his racing career then). After Chris Harrison berates Arie about why he's still single and what's his freaking problem, we meet the typical parade of monotonously gorgeous women yearning for Arie's gearstick. There's Chelsea, a single mother from Portland, Maine, who seems normal.

Caroline is a realtor who awkwardly starts talking about her dating woes while taking a family on a tour. There's Maquel, a photographer whose clients clearly don't listen to her, as well as ukelele-playing Kendall, who's like Zooey Deschanel but if she was also really into dead animals. It's less interesting than it sounds. In fact, all of these women are pretty bland. It says a lot about the show when nanny Bekah makes an impact by merely having a pixie cut. 

It doesn't get much better when Arie actually starts meeting these women. The first woman out of the limo is Caroline, and the two just awkwardly talk over one another before she's sent into the mansion and never heard from again. Single mom Chelsea has better luck with her mysterious warning that "there's a lot to know" about her. Is she referring to her kid? Because guys LOVE getting surprised by kids while dating. Tia, aka Raven 2.0, gives Arie a little wiener because she's from Weiner, Arkansas ... and also because dick jokes. She says she hopes he doesn't already have a little wiener, and Arie seems very confused. You have to be more blunt – like Amber, who says she sees a lot of penises with her spray-tan company. 

Overall, though, the parade of women results in just a bunch of racing puns – all of which get a polite church chuckle from snoozy Arie, who then says something like, "She's pretty" or "I like that she breathes oxygen" as they walk away into the house. It's all topped off by photographer Maquel driving in a literal Indy car. It definitely concerns all the girls packed inside the mansion, all of them now eager to get their one-on-one time with their potential husband. Meanwhile, Arie, clearly wowed by the women he's met all night, stays outside and tinkers with the car for a while.

Eventually he's pulled away from the car and into the mansion to do one-on-ones with the women – starting very aggressively with single mom Chelsea, who barely lets Arie finish his opening speech to the crowd before dragging him away. All the women side-eye, while she talks mysteriously to Arie about getting to know her like J.J. Abrams wrote all her dialogue. And like J.J. Abrams, she is setting Arie up for a major disappointment when she'll reveal the answer to her riddle is, surprise, you've got a kid now! I take back what I said before; she does not seem normal. Also, if you have to start a sentence with "I'm not a rude person," you're probably a rude person. 

Least Favorites (in no specific order): Chelsea #thebachelor — Diggy Moreland (@diggymoreland) January 2, 2018

Before she can finish her elaborate puzzle, however, she's interrupted by Maquel – and she spends the rest of the night harrumphing to anyone who will hear it. She never officially says that she's not here to make friends, but Chelsea is definitely not here to make friends. Meanwhile, peppy Bekah appears to be making all of the friends, seemingly in every single shot. Maybe it just seemed that way because her haircut is distinct and therefore she doesn't blend in with the rest of the generically gorgeous crowd. "The Bachelor" should allot personality to more people on its shows.

Except for Kendall, who plays a ukulele song with dead animal references for Arie. That's too much personality. 

As for the rest of the meet-and-greets, there's not much to say. Arie takes a selfie with one of the women, and his silly face is like he couldn't decide on between Blue Steel, sticking his tongue out or an orgasm face, so he went with all three. One of the women actually has a solid, meaningful conversation with Arie, joking about "therapizing" with him, but the fact that I only remember her as "one of the women" isn't great. Safe bet that her name was Lauren. 

After some more meetings, some more Chelsea bickering and some force-fed fruit, however, it's time to throw some roses around. Much to the chagrin of everybody watching, Chelsea gets the first impression rose – though really, can you argue? She's one of two people who made an impact in these first two hours, and she went out of her way to get more time with Arie. She certainly made a first impression – one that led me to leave an impression in the wall with my head every time she spoke this episode, but an impression nevertheless!

As for the roses, just about everybody you vaguely recognized from the two-hour premiere made it to the second day, snagging a rose. The only exception was Jessica, the television personality who wanted to be with Arie because her dead dad signed off on him. Unfortunately, "my ghost dad liked you" isn't much of a winning line – and neither is weirdly looking in the wrong place at the camera. One kicked-off contestant (Amber maybe? Or perhaps it was Lauren? Probably a Lauren) also starts to cry because she's humiliated her family by getting booted already. No, they're humiliated because you're crying on national television over a sleepy guy you met for five minutes with, like, 27 other women. 

Maybe don’t lead with "my dead dad met you and approved of you as my future husband" #TheBachelor

— gene parmesan (@sofiafromkorea) January 2, 2018

Admittedly, the first episode of "The Bachelor" is always a rough go, a relentless bombardment of nothing as the show and the people on it try (and mostly fail) to make an impact. Arie was introduced to more than two dozen women, but viewers really only met about one or two actual characters. As of right now, Arie's just a blank wall to throw race car puns at, and while Chelsea and Bekah have claimed territory as the season's prime villain and prime fan favorite, it's easy to stand out among the sea of beige blondes. Hopefully, some more interesting material will come down the track soon – and fast please. Otherwise, this season will be like watching a car wreck – and not in the usual fun "Bachelor" way.

Gone

Hard to believe Amber's strategy of telling Arie she sees a lot of dicks didn't pan out for her. Also not strong strategies: Jessica's approach of telling Arie that they should be together because her dead dad met him, as well as Ali's idea to give Arie a "pit stop" in her armpit. Because if Arie's not digging the racing puns, why not spicing one up with body odor? They're all gone, along with Olivia, Nysha, one of the 14 Laurens, Brittane J. and Bri, who all allegedly existed. 

Contenders

1. Bekah

Maybe it's just the short hair, but Bekah was one of the only people who made an impact Monday night. Her personality seems fun (her eye-roll at Chelsea was some mild magic) and her time with Arie, sitting in the Mustang, actually sparked some chemistry. However, she's the only contestant without her age listed, and scenes from the rest of the season show that becoming A Drama Thing eventually, so maybe it's actually her dad's Mustang that she's borrowing and has to bring it back home before curfew.  

2. Chelsea

I know, I hate this too, but if you get the first impression rose, you get to be listed as a contender. And also she's one of three people on the show so far whose name I bothered to learn. 

3. Krystal

Early on, the show was pushing this online health instructor pretty hard, giving her a big backstory in the introductory package about how she gives out bags of food to random homeless guys behind fences (sure, all checks out) and then really milking her greeting/meditation exercise with Arie. She mostly disappeared for the rest of the night, but I feel like the seeds were planted for a long run. But can someone please get her a lozenge? 

Pretenders

1. All of the Laurens

At one point, there were four Laurens on this show – and yet I couldn't tell you a thing about any of them. Plus, it's bad television to have so many people with the same name on a show, because trying to talk about any of them ends up like an Abbott & Costello routine. 

2. Jenna

Some people are into feet. I am not one of those people – and judging by Arie's reaction to social media manager/human Super Ball Jenna giving him a full foot manicure and spa treatment, he is also not one of those people. Also her hands probably smelled like feet for the rest of the night. 

3. Maquel

You bring an Indy car to the mansion and still have to sweat out the entire rose ceremony? That's a bad sign. Also a bad sign: While shooting the newlyweds in her introductory package, she yelled multiple times at the groom to dip his bride. Spoiler alert: He did not dip her. He didn't even move. 

Line of the night

No real winning lines from the night ("therapizing" is the best thing I heard) so I'll just give this prize to that TurboTax ad with the adorable dancing stuffed animal. I'll expect better meme-worthy action from these ladies next week.