Well, we did it, everyone. After about one month, eleven episodes, three surviving couples and approximately 124 shots of Colton crying, we've reached the finale of "Bachelor in Paradise." So let's move (with the cheese) right through this recap of the "most talked about, anticipated event of the summer," according to Harrison. (To which, guy, settle down; obviously that title truly belongs to "Mamma Mia! Here We Go Again.")
We start with the aftermath of the fantasy suites and final proposals – or not proposals – on the beach, starting with Annaliese and Kamil, who could still not be less thrilled in being in a relationship. I've seen people more enthusiastic about dentist appointments. So unsurprisingly, at the "Bachelor in Paradise" altar, Kamil tells Annaliese that he is not ready to be engaged. And Annaliese says she agrees, because Kamil could've said anything up there and she would've nodded in approval. He could've said that they should have a knife fight to death right there on the beach, and she would've said, "I completely agree – all in." Poor girl; she is just doomed to marry a guy who just needs a kidney transplant.
On the complete opposite side of the spectrum is Jordan and Jenna, who seem insanely in love. They're the only couple that wasn't shown waking up the next morning in the fantasy suite, probably because those two just wrecked that bedroom. So of course those two are getting engaged. Jenna nervously stumbles through her lines, Jordan says he's a "one-girl type of guy, and that girl is you" before getting to a knee and the audience went deservedly, "Awww" – myself included. I never thought I'd be this happy to see Zoolander Jr. find love, but here we are.
And then there's Krystal and Chris R., the somewhat forgotten couple of the finale trapped between the super-romance of Jordan and Jenna and the raging runaway dumpster fire of Kamil and Annaliese. Chris R. admits that he's a little nervous about the next step of their relationship, aka meeting the parents and the real world, but when it comes time to his the altar, he goes down to one knee. I mean, he gives the most tortured possible lead-up to it – "I have to be honest ... and it wouldn't be fair to you if I left here holding your hand ... (endless pause) ... because I want to hold your heart" – but he does eventually propose, making Krystal excitedly announce that she'll be "Mrs. Goose." Not sure I'd be celebrating that, but to each their own.
So that's the end for the beach and we're in the "Bachelor" studio for the "Cast Tells All" special, complete with most – but not all – of the cast, who all get raucous applause save for Leo, who receives a smattering of boos mixed into a devastating silence. My how Jason Fauxmoa has fallen. But let's not get caught up in the negative and instead focus on what Wills is wearing:
And somehow this man is not the new "Bachelor." For shame, producers. FOR SHAME.
Anyways, we watch a recap of the season, which ends up kind of being a John makeout reel since the dude made out with pretty much every female who arrived on the beach. Programmer is a low-key pimp ... which, I guess unsurprisingly, results in a bad real-world relationship, as Olivia calls him out on being bad in long-distance relationships and playing around with Chelsea on Instagram when she thought they were still working things out. That sounds like spicy unexpected drama that Harrison has ABSOLUTELY NO INTEREST IN because WELP MOVING ON. Way to ask a follow-up question there, guy.
In fairness, there's a lot to get to – including Eric and Angela, who has an understandably perma-cocked eyebrow toward everything he says. But she's dating Clay from Becca's season now – he was the football player who was charming and delightful and kinda dorky, but then busted his hand and had to leave – so that's a 1,000 percent upgrade. So she forgives him, content to let him chase his cheese in circles while she's moving the hell on. Benoit and Jordan have some final words, because it wouldn't be an episode of "Bachelor" without Jordan busting out ridiculous metaphors at 78 miles per hour, while Tia and Colton confirm that they're happily just friends – which I'm sure will last until approximately 12 seconds into his "Bachelor" season premiere. And also Jordan and David are amigos now, even hugging it out thanks to some nudging from Wills. See, ABC, WILLS BRINGS PEOPLE TOGETHER. FOR SHAME ... AGAIN.
Speaking of bringing people together, the show unites Astrid and Kevin on stage for an update on their relationship since the world's dumbest breakup. According to Kevin, he was essentially triggered by the words "fantasy suite," to which I say (*non-stop maniacal laughter for about five minutes*). But apparently Bibiana served as both their intermediary and couples therapist during their time away from the beach, helping them both deal with their feelings and eventually bringing together to the point that they're holding hands, saying they're in love with each other and giving it another go. BIBIANA: MIRACLE WORKER. Watch your back, Harrison; she might be the real matchmaker on that stage.
Then there's the second relationship that died Monday night: Grocery Joe and Kendall, "one of the saddest breakups we've ever seen on the show," says Harrison. Some people use hyperbole; Chris Harrison paints "Starry Night" with it. He uses hyperbole the way most people use oxygen. But, in fairness, it was pretty sad, so it was nice to see Kendall owning up to being "extremely terrified" of commitment that night on the beach – and that she flew to Chicago after the show to reconnect with Joe and maybe rekindle things. Well, scratch the maybe, because the two are a thing again. THE WORLD KNOWS JOY AGAIN!
Harrison asks about the long distance between the two – what a buzzkill, dude – but says he might have a solution. I was so ready for Harrison to say that he bought a grocery store in Los Angeles for Joe to run. Instead he's going to be on "Dancing with the Stars" – which, and I say this as a fan of Joe, is the loosest definition of "star" we've maybe ever seen. This guy's claim to fame is literally five seconds on "The Bachelorette" that ended in failure. But hey, free dance lessons are free dance lessons. Keep getting those checks, Joe.
But with the happy must come the sad, which brings us to Annaliese and Kamil. And I don't want to shock you or destroy your sense of reality, but their relationship dies a most painful death. I know, I'm surprised too – though even if you saw it coming, you probably didn't see THIS coming. After Annaliese talks about how distance is hard and how an engagement is far down the road but they're still holding firm, Kamil comes out and says that he probably isn't the guy for her and BREAKS UP WITH HER ON THE SHOW. Actually, you probably DEFINITELY saw this coming; Annaliese was always more into the relationship than him, and Kamil always seemed douche-esque. Also: How does one "slowly part ways," Kamil?
While Annaliese starts tragically working through the sad logistics of a breakup – who will stay at the AirBnb they booked, etc. – Harrison asks what she'd like to do. And while "use Kamil as a boxing speedbag" was probably a significant contender, she instead goes with "to get off the stage." So he politely sends her off ... but then very impolitely has a Backstage Cam all ready to go to capture all of her off-screen sobbing. SHE DIDN'T WANT TO LEAVE THE STAGE FOR MORE SCREEN TIME, CHRIS. Pretty gross move to offer someone an island of reprieve from public embarrassment, only to greet them with a different camera. That's some "Jerry Springer"/TMZ nonsense.
Anyways, Annaliese eventually comes back on stage to deservedly tear into Kamil a bit, saying that the effort was always 90/10 with her doing everything (duh), that he wasn't trying (obviously) and that she tried to breakup with him weeks ago because of it (should've probably done it). And TIA. IS. HERE FOR IT.
Eventually the broken couple heads backstage, where Kamil angrily wonders why he always looks like the asshole. Have you considered it might be because you're an asshole? They try chatting a bit in the green room, but as you can tell with a response like that to his attempt to blindside his girlfriend with a breakup IN PUBLIC, it doesn't go great, and the two go their separate ways. It's sad; if a three-day-old relationship built on a fake beach of lies and alcohol can't make it, than who can?
But let's go back to the good relationships. Jordan and Jenna seem happy, making the distance work and – when they're together – making vision boards together. Jordan is very excited about future babies, saying that he wants a baby on a pan in the oven sooner rather than later which ... actually, that sounds more like cannibalism. No matter the case, the two are happily engaged – so much so they have a wedding date mapped out and they want Harrison to ordain it on the "Bachelor in Paradise" beach. But why? There are hundreds of thousands of beautiful beaches in the world; why get married on the one filled with drunk C-grade Instagram influencers, vomit and mistakes?
Then again, according to the most recent tabloids, they may not be making it to the wedding date after all. They may not even make it to the end of September. I never thought I'd say this but ... poor Jordan?
Well, that felt weird to say – almost as weird as "Chris R. and Krystal are the most functional relationship to come out of this season." Bizarre. The show doesn't have much time for their drama-less happiness, kinda shoving them into the last 15 minutes before the bloopers. They do, however, fit their requisite 45 "Goose" references – including Harrison calling Chris R.'s mom "Mama Goose." Come on, Harrison; the obvious joke there is calling her "Mother Goose." It's like you're not even trying.
Then again, the season's over so I guess we can all stop now. We'll see you in a few months for Colton's season – and in just a week or two for Joe's turn on "Dancing with the Stars," where his first dance will definitely be grocery-themed and judge Bruno Tonioli will definitely say, "Clean up on aisle four!"
As much as it is a gigantic cliché to say that one has always had a passion for film, Matt Mueller has always had a passion for film. Whether it was bringing in the latest movie reviews for his first grade show-and-tell or writing film reviews for the St. Norbert College Times as a high school student, Matt is way too obsessed with movies for his own good.
When he's not writing about the latest blockbuster or talking much too glowingly about "Piranha 3D," Matt can probably be found watching literally any sport (minus cricket) or working at - get this - a local movie theater. Or watching a movie. Yeah, he's probably watching a movie.