By Matt Mueller Culture Editor Published Aug 28, 2018 at 2:01 AM

Usually these recaps are a mixture of wine and defeat, but instead of vino-soaked confusion, let's try something different this week: constructive criticism.

Every episode, I complain about how "The Bachelor" – or, in this case, "Bachelor in Paradise" – shouldn't be two hours long and how everything is painfully dragged out, with conversations repeating and reiterating the same things over and over again for 15 minutes at a time. So here's a way to add some drama and forward momentum: games! Each week, put the power of the rose ceremony up for grabs in some competition – maybe it's some obstacle course or a puzzle, etc. – split the cast into teams, like boys and girls, and the winning team gets to hand out roses for the week while the losing team has to sweat it out. Call me, ABC; I think it's pretty brilliant. It's certainly better than watching Colton and Tia tearfully debate their relationship status for the 174th time.

Amazingly, those two were a no-show for most of Monday night's episode – but no worries, there was still plenty of stupid and annoying to go around without their help. 

To recap, Jenna and Jordan seemed like a match made in reality TV heaven – which is to say real world hell – before Benoit showed up, swept Jenna off her feet with his French-Canadian-ness and his ability to "Lady and the Tramp" a churro, and left Jordan stewing in jealousy. And also outrage over Benoit's frisbee-throwing technique. It's always just the important things for Jordan. Meanwhile, the show could literally not care less about Eric and Angela's relationship – the opening recap doesn't even acknowledge it exists – and Chris R. thinks he and Krystal "could be the strongest couple in Paradise." Well now you're screwed; you're better off saying Candyman five times in a mirror. 

Indeed, Chris's confidence summons Connor, aka the the fluffy-haired guy from Becca's season. Sometimes he had glasses too. That all qualifies as personality on this show. He arrives very interested in Krystal, of course, which is convenient because he was the person she'd been waiting for this whole time on "Paradise." However, when he hints at asking her out with his date card, Krystal explains upfront to Fluffy that she's pretty locked in on Chris, that she doesn't want to go on dates with anyone else and that he might want to search elsewhere if he wants to stay on the beach and find love. Pardon me, what is this "Krystal being a solid, competent and considerate person" nonsense? Maybe Chris R. was right. Maybe they are the show's strongest couple – which, if that is the case, WHAT KIND OF WORLD ARE WE LIVING IN?!

Reality quickly righted itself, however, as Fluffy popped back over, officially asked Krystal out on a date and she immediately said yes. So that was all of ... four seconds of a competent, decent relationship? NEW RECORD! So those two head off to get buried alive (no, not for real; how disappointing) while Chris stays back, sulking and banging his head against the bungalow's various lighting fixtures. You know who has no problem with hitting his head against chandeliers? FLUFFY. Dude is concussion-proof with that hair. 

Speaking of slamming my head against hard objects, Jenna and Jordan still can't get their ish together. The two have a nice talk seemingly committing to one another ... only for Jenna to bounce over to Benoit and make out with him instead of cutting things off. Oops. Thankfully Jordan's nowhere around OH WAIT HE'S LITERALLY WATCHING THE ENTIRE THING FROM HIS TOWER OF SADNESS. Despite Jenna being the one yanking his chain, however, Jordan goes to confront Benoit. It goes about as well as you'd imagine.

Eventually, though, Jordan and Jenna talk things out, remember that they're literally the same person and decide to lock in on each other as a relationship – leaving Benoit to hurl a football into the ocean in anger. Way to ruin everyone else's fun, dude. Is that even your football to chuck into the sea? Thankfully, the ocean politely returns the ball to him, so he tries to throw it back into the water ... only for the waves to bring it right back again. He's supposed to look all sad and forlorn ... but instead, he looks like he's playing catch with the Gulf of Mexico. 

Meanwhile, remember how Kenny and Annaliese were a couple. No? Well, no worries, because KENNY'S GONE NOOOOOOO! Apparently Kenny's daughter has an important dance recital that he would just hate himself for missing, so he packs up early and kicks himself off "Bachelor in Paradise." It's sweet and sincere ... but remember that SNL skit "What Up With That?" where Kenan Thompson's talk show host always ran out of time to talk to Lindsey Buckingham? That's what Kenny is like on this show. And I love it. A great running gag. Every season they should invite Kenny, who enchants some ladies and then bails halfway through for his daughter – maybe while saying, "Well, we're outta time!" But anyways, he's gone and the show is worse for it. I'd say he should be the next "Bachelor" but there's no guarantee he'd stay until the end.

Oh, Jubilee decided to pack up and leave early too, probably because the show didn't care about her. "Paradise" didn't even show her face on the way out. Congratulations to Chris Harrison for creating a beautiful beach vacation hotspot that people want to escape from. WHY ARE PEOPLE FLEEING YOUR SHOW, HARRISON?! Is there a typhoid outbreak on this beach you're not telling us about?

Annaliese is certainly pondering bailing from the show. The lady just wants to find love – and thought she had it with Kenny, only for him to bounce instead. So she's sad and wondering what she's doing wrong. (Pst: Maybe stop going on dopey reality shows.) Thankfully, hope arrives in the form of ... Kamil? The guy who told Becca that they'd have to compromise 60/40 in a relationship? Oh Annaliese, I know you want love ... but not like this. The two go on a date where they go off-roading and ride an ATV over a big ol' rickety bridge, but all I can think about is how aggressive a downgrade this is for Annaliese. This dude had five seconds to make a decent impression on national TV ... and decided to use it to tell a woman that she should do more work than him in a relationship. Something tells me she's going to eventually wish she "Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom"-ed his ass on that rope bridge. 

While Annaliese claims they're now one of the strongest couples on the beach (AFTER SEVEN SECONDS!?), let's check in with one of the ACTUAL best couples: Kevin and Astrid. He says he wants them to be together for a long time; she agrees. All seems well! Yay for love! Wait, now he's saying that he wants her ... to date other guys? Because he wants her ... to want him? But she's already dating him? Kevin, did you get concussed while I wasn't looking? Astrid doesn't even seem angry as much as she's just confused. Eventually they talk it out, and Kevin learns that maybe you shouldn't trying to talk your girlfriend into dating other people. Seems like a lesson we didn't need to learn. 

But apparently he didn't learn his lesson about being too honest, however, because later on he accidentally spills the beans to Kendall that Leo made out with Chelsea right after their supposedly wonderful date. Oops. Jason Fauxmoa tries to argue that he told Kendall that he "hung out" with Chelsea that night and that he was going to come clean, but obviously he didn't – and saying you just "hung out" is a nice lie by omission. If only there was A HANDSOME GROCERY STORE-OWNING GENTLEMAN ON THIS BEACH WHO WOULDN'T LIE TO YOU ABOUT MAKING OUT WITH OTHER WOMEN. 

Jason Fauxmoa reacts as only Aquaman could: a rage swim – a butterfly stroke of FURY, to be exact – followed by pouting around in the pool in the hopes of forcing the "rat" who told Kendall about his kiss out of hiding. Meanwhile, Grocery Joe doesn't slap around in the water like a child upset that adult swim is about to start. I'm just saying there's an obvious winner here, Kendall, and it's the one who's not having verbal diarrhea in the pool. 

After putting up with approximately 15 hours of Leo harrumphing around the beach about rats, Kevin rips the bandaid off and tells Leo he accidentally told Kendall about the kiss, thinking she already knew. Seems fair! Plus, Leo, you're the wrong one here. But Leo keeps his tinfoil hat paranoia on, and says Kevin did this on purpose to undermine him. That's way too much credit for a guy who almost accidentally broke up with his doting girlfriend that same day. Jason Fauxmoa keeps insisting that he would've told Kendall on his own terms about the kiss (lolz sure), while Kevin threatens him with ... a Justin Trudeau quote. My God, Canadians are bad at fighting. 

With a little helpful nudging from Wells, Leo agrees he should probably talk to Kendall about what happened. That seems like a good idea ... so instead Leo yells at her about how she ruined his day, calls her an actress and then compliments her to death. It's the most confusing verbal fight I've ever heard – AND THE GUY BUSTING OUT A MID-ARGUMENT TRUDEAU QUOTE WAS JUST A PARAGRAPH AGO! Meanwhile, Grocery Joe is off not making out with other women and not yelling about rats and not picking fights with potentially concussed Canadians and not lying to people's face and not starring in "Justice League." 

So this is where the fun fight between Leo and Grocery Joe takes place, right? The one in the previews for this week? Wait ... roll credits? We're going to have to wait until Tuesday for the cocktail tossing and rose ceremony tussling!? OK, constructive criticism number two: Don't be filthy teases. 

Matt Mueller Culture Editor

As much as it is a gigantic cliché to say that one has always had a passion for film, Matt Mueller has always had a passion for film. Whether it was bringing in the latest movie reviews for his first grade show-and-tell or writing film reviews for the St. Norbert College Times as a high school student, Matt is way too obsessed with movies for his own good.

When he's not writing about the latest blockbuster or talking much too glowingly about "Piranha 3D," Matt can probably be found watching literally any sport (minus cricket) or working at - get this - a local movie theater. Or watching a movie. Yeah, he's probably watching a movie.