Tuesday night's episode of "Bachelor in Paradise" was always going to be a "skip the glass and just glug from the wine jug" kind of night. I assumed it would be because of Krystal & Chris's (aka The Goose aka The Worst) wedding, to which I hard RSVP-ed no. But that doesn't matter when Harrison and the rest of the producers have an actual functioning relationship they can trot out there to prove that "no, seriously, people actually find love on this show." Nothing like a two-hour self-congratulatory pat on the back to make a bottle of wine disappear!
But that's not all! Pull out the second jug of wine, because not only do I have a wedding to drink through but John Paul Jones – the affable weirdo who, unlike most oddballs on these shows, seems authentically just strange – decided to go full heel turn on Tuesday night, ruining all the goodwill he's earned across a season and a half of reality television. I WAS ROOTING FOR YOU, JPJ; WE WERE ALL ROOTING FOR YOU! I'm gonna have to drink away my sadness. Let's just get a third bottle on standby, too, just in case.
Before all of that, however, we have leftover business to take care of from Monday night's rose ceremony. Caelynn is very excited about her and Dirty Dean; she thinks they're very serious, and they talk about serious things. And oh boy, this girl is doomed, isn't she? Indeed, even though he just gave her his rose – and even though IT'S STILL HER FRIGGIN' BIRTHDAY – Dirty Dean takes Caelynn aside shortly after the ceremony to have a talk that begins with "I want you to know you're an amazing person." And no conversation that's begun with "I want you to know you're an amazing person" has ever ended well for that couple. AND THAT STREAK CONTINUES as Dean says that they have incompatible lifestyles and that he won't be able to give her the life that she deserves outside of "Paradise," so he's breaking up with her – again, ON HER BIRTHDAY – and bailing from the show. This is why you never trust a man with a porno stache. And why you don't trust Dean, period. Frankly impressive how he keeps finding new ways to lose respect on this show.
Speaking of sad stories, JPJ is off being sad about Tayshia because she and Not John Krasinski are now hitting it off. And because JPJ will not stop until he's covered every inch of the "Paradise" beach with his sputum, he blows sad tear-soaked snot all over his little sad chair. I get that you're in love with Tayshia, JPJ, but she seemed more fascinated by you than in love – plus it's hard to feel too bad about a guy's broken heart when just 24 hours ago he was eagerly rubbing another lady's bare butt up with suntan lotion.
But luckily, there's a fancy gift on the beach to help distract everyone from their sad relationship woes: an invitation to Krystal and Chris's wedding. I'm honestly stunned that he didn't call himself "The Goose" on the official invite. Nicole's annoyed because Angela, Clay's ex, is probably going to be there – but I'd be more annoyed because I'm in the middle of a free lazy beach vacation and now I have to get all dressed up for a formal event and be a grownup in public? In retrospect, maybe Dirty Dean was a genius for getting out of there before this.
But anyways: FIELD TRIP! Sure, it's exclusively so the show can congratulate itself for finding romance, but I will say that I was happy to see that Chris had several groomsmen that I didn't recognize from "The Bachelor" franchise. Always nice to see that these people have a semblance of life outside of this bizarre show – even when all of the guests are seemingly from Bachelor Nation and Chris Harrison is presiding over the whole ceremony and also you invited a reality dating show in progress to your special day. Along for the ride is Connor from Hannah's season, which turns Caelynn from heart-broken to heart-fluttering in about five seconds flat. It's like Dean never happened – and considering that mustache, we all wish that could be the case. Meanwhile, Blake is getting dunked on by the entire Bachelor Nation for his Stagecoach adventures, and JPJ is suddenly finding Not John Krasinski creepy. Uh oh.
But before any of that, we have a marriage to make. Chris and Krystal's ceremony is admittedly sweet and cute, from the country music star product placement doing the singing – boy, how bummed is Jed that he didn't get that gig? – to the weird smoking branch ceremony that Krystal DOES NOT look like she OKed. Jokes aside, it does seem like a nice wedding – for everyone except for Clay, whose ex Angela walks down the aisle as a bridesmaid like she's on a smug revenge mission from hell who knows all eyes – four, in particular – are on her.
Unfortunately that's not the only drama going on at the cocktail party, as JPJ is suddenly convinced that Not John Krasinski has DUBIOUS INTENTIONS. And why does he think this? Because Not John Krasinski has ... A PODCAST! Gasp, indeed, dear readers. Yes, according to JPJ, Not John Krasinski is starting up drama and dating around on the show because it'll make great content for his podcast (that we've just heard about today ... from JPJ), which will turn into Not John Krasinski getting lucky with Bachelor fans and former cast members. Never mind that Not John Krasinski is currently single not because he wanted to be, but because his girlfriend on "Paradise" turned out to be dating somebody else back in reality and then broke up with him after convincing the show to bring her significant other on as a cast member. This is quite the master plan Derek has supposedly concocted!
John Paul Jones runs his conspiracy theory past Katie and Demi, both of whom seem dubious at best and bored at worst by his Derek Truther-ing. But none of that stops JPJ from deciding that now – at somebody's wedding, surrounded by that person's family, friends and loved ones – is the time to make a Reality Show Scene, yelling at Not John Krasinski for using women (?) for the purpose of his podcast (?!) and not letting him finish any of his sentences because that would insult JPJ's intelligence. So we've got two bros yelling at one another and the woman they're fighting over crying behind a pillar because of the stress. WHO COULD'VE EXPECTED THAT INVITING A REALITY SHOW CASE TO YOUR WEDDING WOULD TURN THINGS INTO A SH*T SHOW!?
But please, Krystal and Chris need no help; they can make things into a dumpster fire all on their own, thank you very much. So before the reception, the two gather everyone together to make an announcement – and that announcement is A BUNCH OF Y'ALL GOTTA GO HOME! Indeed, apparently only a handful of the "Paradise" guests actually got invited to the afterparty, and Chris and Krystal decided the best way to let those people know that they weren't as important as others was to MAKE A PUBLIC PROCLAMATION ABOUT IT. "Clay and Blake and Kristina and Mike: You all get to stay. If you didn't hear your name called, byeeeeee!" Glad to see this has become as tacky and rude as I'd expect from a reality TV show wedding.
Unfortunately for Nicole, she did not make the guest list – but Clay did, putting him in Angela's sights while she's stuck hoping for the best back at the "Paradise" beach. Meanwhile, Clay is not inspiring confidence by having Freudian slips and calling Angela his girlfriend instead of his ex. Of course, the two finally have a conversation ... and honestly, it seems fine? She's upset that Clay led her on, talking about kids and having a home together only to break her heart, which fair. And Clay seems somewhat still coping with his old emotions – but that's to be expected after ending a serious relationship with somebody. Honestly, nothing here seems too beyond the pale. But Tayshia would DISAGREE, quite certain that either Angela's trying to win him back or that he's leaving the door open for that to happen.
Meanwhile, back on the beach, JPJ has fully evolved into a Not John Krasinski Truther. I wouldn't be surprised if there's a board with pictures and string spider-webbing and the crawled-out name "CAROL" taking up a lot of space in his bedroom. Worst of all, he won't even let Not John Krasinski speak or defend himself from the allegations; each confrontation is an annoying one-sided yelling match. I'm sad to report that JPJ is no longer fun, and I've suddenly found myself wishing I could be back at Krystal and Chris's wedding. A stunning twist – I'm going to need more wine.
Thankfully, fresh drama arrives in the form of Connor, who Caelynn's been waiting for this entire show. (Sorry, Dean.) And while he briefly has interest in Kristina, Caelynn gets the date. Good for her; she's earned it after getting dumped on her birthday by a porno plumber. For their date, the two meet a crazy paint-splattered art man who lays out a big canvas for the couple to create art – not with brushes, but with their bodies. Instead, the two make a big ugly teal splotch. Jackson Pollock, these two are not. But they do make out a lot, so good for them. That weird paint guy probably got paid decently to splatter some paint on himself and say two sentences, so good for him too. And Demi busts out her INCREDIBLE impression of Connor's surfer dude vocal fry, so good for America. THIS IS WHY SHE'S STILL ON THE BEACH!
As for Clay and Nicole's relationship, the two have a heart-to-heart in which Clay does admit that he still has remnants of feelings for Angela – as a normal human being would after being in a serious relationship with somebody – but that he's in on Nicole and cares about being with her. "OH ARE YOU NOW," yells the "Bachelor in Paradise" gods. "SUMMON ME ANGELA!" Indeed, gloriously on cue, Angela comes strutting down the stairs of "Paradise." Sometimes, this show is cruel in the most delightful ways.
Poor Clay; this big teddy bear is getting the stuffing kicked out of him. Poor guy. OH WELL; CAN'T WAIT TO SEE MORE NEXT WEEK!
As much as it is a gigantic cliché to say that one has always had a passion for film, Matt Mueller has always had a passion for film. Whether it was bringing in the latest movie reviews for his first grade show-and-tell or writing film reviews for the St. Norbert College Times as a high school student, Matt is way too obsessed with movies for his own good.
When he's not writing about the latest blockbuster or talking much too glowingly about "Piranha 3D," Matt can probably be found watching literally any sport (minus cricket) or working at - get this - a local movie theater. Or watching a movie. Yeah, he's probably watching a movie.