Three episodes (eh, considering the premiere, more like two and a quarter) into this season of "The Bachelor," so far things are nice. Colton is blandly amicable, the ladies are pleasant and they've even tossed in some random cameos from famous people in better shows (Nick Offerman, Megan Mullally and, now, Terry Crews) to remind me there is joy in this world. All in all, it's very nice.

But I do not watch "The Bachelor" for nice. That's why I watch "The Great British Baking Show" and that Netflix program where Marie Kondo burns all your books. (I may have that wrong.) "The Bachelor," on the other hand, I watch in order to see desperate booze-drunk Instagram models cattily fight with one another before making some sassy remark to the confessional camera. "The Bachelor" lives for the drama – and so far there hasn't been any despite the show's best efforts. It's like everybody's ACTUALLY there for the right reasons. There's not really any villains yet, just a few ladies harrumphing at others, and there's no feisty drama; everyone's apparently too polite for that. Where's Jordan or Corinne when you need them?!

The big supposed drama in the works falls between Miss Alabama and Miss North Carolina, who had some big tiff at the Miss USA pageant and now have a hard time being under the same roof. At least that's the case for Miss Alabama, who can't stop whining about it. And if you think they hate living in the same house, wait until they have to share the same guy on the same group date, as they and a gaggle of other Hannahs heads to ... a pirate-themed dinner theater? Oh dear. If the goal here was to make Colton look sexy, maybe don't take him to an even nerdier version of Medieval Times.

Anyways, the women get all dressed up in their finest "Pirates of the Caribbean" cosplay and battle each other on the high seas – aka whack at each other with one of those big Q-tips from "American Gladiators." And while Miss Alabama does her best, she's no match for Miss North Carolina or Tracy, who both move on to the final round performed in front of a live audience. I blame it on the fact that she didn't put her eyepatch down. COMMIT TO THE BIT, BAMA! The final ladies duke it out in a final battle of gentle nudging, with Miss North Carolina coming out victorious, thrilling the families in the audience who wanted to go Chuck E. Cheese but ended up here instead. But her victory may be short-lived, as Bama's concerned that Colton doesn't know the truth. SHE'S GOT DIRT! WOO!

So what's this juicy, dramatic dirt? Uh, Miss North Carolina was kinda competitive and mean during the Miss America competition, I guess? Miss Alabama is real low on details, just rambling to Colton about how her once-bestie turned manipulative and cruel despite providing no real details about what that entailed. Did she cut your sash? Go all "Carrie" and throw pig's blood all over your evening gown? Draw a Clemson logo on her Crimson Tide bikini? Nope, just some vague complaining that she turned intense at a contest. THE NERVE! Miss Bama then also phrases it all very poorly, noting that if Colton likes dating a girl like Miss Tar Heel State, then she doesn't see how they can be together. CLEVER WAY TO TALK YOURSELF OFF THE SHOW, DEAR!

Colton doesn't end up axing her –  probably because the producers won't let him – but he looks really bummed out about his pirate date turning into a damp squib. So he brings in Miss North Carolina to make him feel better – and to give her the rose for the evening. (Complete with a "You saved me" line that's actually kinda cute, "Bachelor" writers!) Meanwhile, Miss Bama's all sad and disappointed and "befumbled." Not a word!

*Eagerly waits for @Dictionarycom "befumbled" tweet*@BachelorABC #TheBachelor pic.twitter.com/Vb8MZNF0Hx — GIPHY Pop (@GiphyPop) January 22, 2019

While that drama's too vague and ill-formed to be too juicy – plus, everybody's playing victim and nobody's willing to play villain – there's also Little Baby Demi, who's still riling up Tracy and still absolutely delighting me. Demi's the closest thing this season has to a fun villain, making the best faces when getting dragged away by a contestant for a lecture and laying down the most passive aggressive snarky commentary on her rivals. But those rivals are giving nothing fun for Demi to bounce off of and annoy. Tracy's her main competition, but she's barely bringing any attitude or fun to the table. Courtney also seems like a potential opponent – but I also had to look up Courtney's name because this is the first time she's been relevant this season. So that's not doing much for me either. Somebody start giving my girl Demi a real nemesis please, because right now this beef woefully undercooked. YOU LADIES TRYING TO GIVE ME E COLI WITH THIS RAW BEEF!?

Then again, Demi also blindfolded Colton and paddled his butt in the least erotic spanking I've ever witnessed – and I watched all three "Fifty Shades" movies. There was also a fake hand involved. It was weird. No more of that, Demi. Don't make me question my #TeamDemi loyalty. 

Back at "Bachelor" HQ, Miss North Carolina is playing the pity me card hard after Miss Bama's failed attempt at sabotage. She's sad and sick and depressed and she may have caught scarlet fever too. OK, settle down, Miss NC. Somebody talked some vague, ineffective smack on you; they didn't poison your dinner. Plus, it totally backfired! She started a flame war she was ill-equipped to fight! Why are you upset that she's shooting herself in the foot with an RPG? I am very befumbled. 

Anyways, it's off to the week's solo date, graciously handed off to Elyse. One Hannah named Cassie is VERY sad about not getting picked. I'm sorry, Cassie, but I have no honest idea who you are. Prediction: Remember Whitney from Nick Viall's season? NO YOU DON'T; DON'T LIE TO ME. Well, she went oddly far despite never seemingly saying a word or making an impact across two months – and I think Cassie will be this season's Wendy Whitney. A month from now, she'll be on a two-on-one date, and we'll be like, "Who the hell is this stranger?" And then she'll be left behind on an island in the middle of the Pacific, never to be seen or heard from again. 

So the solo date. Elyse gets to ride a helicopter to San Diego, where she and Colton will have free reign over an entire amusement park. This is like a sequel to that '90s movie "Blank Check"! What could go wrong?! Oh ... Colton brought a school bus of children along as well. Well ... that kind of takes away the point. Why clear out an entire theme park just to fill it back up with loud pesky children!? Admittedly, this is very cute and kind because Colton works with a charity that gets kids recovering or receiving treatment in the hospital out of the building and allows them to be kids. But it's not quite a romantic date when you've got to chaperone a bunch of youths picking their noses and talking about their poopies.

Credit where credit is due, though: One child says Colton should buy Elyse some cotton candy to prove his affection. THAT KID KNOWS WHAT'S UP. Little mini-Hitch there. I believe that same girl also talks about how she already had her first kiss. Somewhere, Never Been Kissed Heather is very embarrassed.

This date was already going better than expected (frankly I thought this was going to be the requisite bad solo date that gets somebody sent home right away) before the two had dinner, getting intimate about Elyse's family and her sister's unfortunate fight against cancer. The two get close, and Elyse goes from somebody who I thought would have to helicopter back home alone (not the worst fate) to somebody who might be around for a good while. And while it wasn't time for the requisite bad solo date, it was time for the COMPLETELY SURPRISING RANDOM COUNTRY CONCERT! The band was actually quite good, though it's always hilarious to me when the lead talks about this unknown band as if they're huge fans. "A perfect night, dancing while (*glances at notes*) Tenille Arts plays!"

That takes us to our second group date, featuring Colton shirtless and exercising, doing all the tire flips and rope slaps and pec sweats. (Again, the show is very concerned that you will not find their virgin sexy and manly. No need to overcompensate, ABC!) Some ladies are excited about this date since they're exercise fiends; others are less so because they just walk their dog. I'm very excited, however, because "Brooklyn Nine-Nine" star Terry Crews and his wife, fellow actress Rebecca King-Crews, are there. Unfortunately they only get about two words in the entire time. Instead we gotta hang with Sydney who turns stretching with Colton into page 47 of the kama sutra. WELL PLAYED, GIRL.

As you would expect, this turns into a competition, with the girls dragging sleds and even a whole friggin' limo for a chance at Colton's heart. Onyeka wins the whole shebang – though the highlight of the contest is when a tiny Canadian lady manages to pull a limo (with the very obvious help of somebody in the car pushing the gas). But still, OH CANADA, INDEED! Unfortunately her triumph is short-lived because, during the dinner portion of the date, she has uncomfortable chats with Colton – so much so that Colton ships her right on back to Drake Country. USA! USA! USA!

Also, Cassie gets a big romantic kiss, which is odd because WHO ARE YOU!? Still, the rose goes to Nicole, who performed very poorly at the day's strong woman contest. Good thing that contest was so important!

But now it IS time for something important: the pre-ceremony cocktail party. Or at least it would've been if Colton didn't shut that down and instead throw a POOL PARTY! That's been an option!? This whole time!? Why have a cocktail party when you can have a pool party ... WHERE THEY'LL PROBABLY HAVE COCKTAILS! The ladies get suited up, Colton gets oiled up (with help from who else but Little Baby Demi) and it's party time. Colton is a menace in the pool, cannonball-ing and splashing and knocking everybody off their inflatables. He may secretly be 12 years old. 

Unfortunately, it can't be fun and splash fights forever. It has to become ACTUAL fights, as Miss Alabama – with some aggressive prodding from Never Been Kissed Heather and some not-so-subtle direction from the producers walking Colton and Miss Tar Heel past her – decides to keep her vendetta going. Complete with a ... roar? I think? I think that might be the sound a platypus makes.

When Caelynn gets the first rose of the night. 🌹#TheBachelor pic.twitter.com/KBmgkiDxkp — The Bachelor (@BachelorABC) January 22, 2019

Anyways, she tells Colton that Miss NC is manipulative, so Colton talks to her to get her side of the story ... which is that Miss Bama is manipulative. And Colton is just so baffled that they'd both say these things that he has to have a powwow with Harrison to clear his poor, sweet, confused brain. Again, nobody brings any details to the party about who did specifically what at this pageant, and while Miss Bama seems like the villain here, stirring drama up, she's too inept at this to TRULY be villainous. I DEMAND A TIARA FIGHT NEXT WEEK.

Oh, I guess spoiler alert for the rose ceremony ... but yeah, of course Miss Alabama gets the final rose. This is the closest thing the producers have to true, USDA choice beef on the show, so we'll be dining on this for a few weeks still. Meanwhile, Demi dug out the thesaurus for a new word to greet her rose. (Your word is ... ecstatic.) I hope she sticks around forever so she comes up with increasingly elaborate and loquacious ways to accept Colton's carnation. (See, I can use thesaurus.com too!) By the end, she may recite all of "King Lear."

As for those leaving, DJ Catherine – the show's first attempt at a villain on night one with all the interrupting – got nixed while the fake Australian got sent back home to Not Down Under. Somebody who looked like a lost Hadid sister also got the limo ride of shame. 

Hopefully next week brings the cartoon reality drama we watch "The Bachelor" for. Three episodes in – and no villainy or fights yet. Truly befumbling.