It seems like only yesterday Marquette University law school grad Rachel Lindsay got her heart broken on "The Bachelor" by future seventh place "Dancing with the Stars" contestant Nick Viall. But starting tonight, she'll be the one breaking hearts and dishing out roses – and considering the history at play and the fact she was one of the brightest spots from the last "Bachelor" season, one can only imagine she'd make for a more compelling season than Nick "Maybe Coffee Will Make Me More Relatable" Viall. Won't be hard!

Then again, as Corinne made more obvious than a neon bouncy house in the New Orleans swamp, most of the fun on these shows comes from the contestants drinking, dueling and diva-ing their way into the star's heart or off the show (and then onto "Bachelor in Paradise"). 

But which one will sweep Rachel off her feet and which dudes might as well stay in the limo? You could look up the spoilers that I'm sure are somewhere on the internet, but I prefer the pure, honest experience of watching a person date 20-plus people at the same time while TV cameras and producers spy and tinker on the proceedings. Call me old fashioned.

However, there are bios for each of the dudes on ABC's official site. So based on those, let's do some learning. 

Adam

OK, being a grown man naming "Transformers" as one of your favorite movies is a red flag, but hey, "Wolf of Wall Street" is great! And his most embarrassing moment is telling his mom he's going on "The Bachelorette," so there's some self-awareness. And what's this? He cooked four-course meals for people in college? Well, gosh, Adam, everything on here looks like you're a stand-up ... oh, the most romantic gift you ever received was a threesome, you say? Interesting definition of "romantic" there, guy. How come I feel like you probably missed the point "Wolf of Wall Street"? Hint: it's not "quaaludes are dope." I bet those four-course college meals were all protein shakes, Hot Pockets and Chunky soup.

Alex

As one whose hair flips between "accidental mullet" and "survived a twister," I shouldn't be throwing stones about anyone's hair style. That being said *throws stone* bro, why does your hair look like an animal is napping on your skull? Why does it look like the stylist buzzed the left side of your head and then ran out embarrassed? People who know more about style than me (aka every human person on the planet) I demand an explanation.

In case the hair wasn't enough, Alex describes his three worst attributes as "selfish, unemotional and unapologetic," ate a live salamander for reasons unknown and can't name three bands he likes because "music isn't a big part of life." Yeah, this dude's guaranteed to be not here to make friends.

Anthony

OK, finally, a winner! Anthony's resume is pristine. He's traveled to Indonesia and Ivory Coast – to teach, at that! His favorite movies are "The Iron Giant," "Moonlight" and "The Matrix," all terrific picks, while his favorite book is something fancy-sounding I've never heard of – a good sign! And if he could be somebody else for a day, he picks his mom so he "could see the world as she does to understand her better."

Really, the only dud is to "If you were stranded on a desert island, what would it be made of?" His answer: those flesh-eating plants from "Life of Pi," which props for the reference but WHY WOULD YOU PICK THAT!? Then again, that question is stupid. What's the desert island made of? Desert, I guess? I mean, if I was stranded there, I'd wish it was made of life raft and non-perishable food items? Bad question, good contestant.

Blake E.

I have very little trust in a 30-year-old "aspiring drummer" – especially one who says he's a classic gentleman, but also picks "50 Shades Darker" as the movie he wants to watch right now because he loves "taboo sexy stuff" (obviously he didn't watch the movie with an actual submissive). Also, he says one of his worst traits is patience, but he was also engaged for 48 hours, so I'm not sure I get you, Blake E.

"Who is the person you dislike most in the world and why? Parking ticket people, because they don't have souls."

I've never understood anyone better in my life. 

Blake K.

Too many Blakes on this show, but if we have to keep one, I guess we can keep this one. This former Marine's bio is fine; admiring your mother and missing your father are sweet, heartfelt notes, and agreed, it would be cool to be Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson for a day, if only to pull off wearing a fanny pack. But from the Chipotle obsession to being crazy for Shark Week, dude comes off a little basic (not a military pun). I think we have this season's Whitney.

Brady

Occupation: male model. HARD PASS. At least the guy has lots of respect for Lululemon sweatpants. Just loves himself some well-made, high-quality sweats. 

Bryan

Props to Bryan for making an interest in "The Bachelor" and "The Bachelorette" almost sound respectable. Props revoked, however, for answering "What are your best three attributes?" with a whole thesaurus of descriptors. THEY ONLY ASKED FOR THREE, BRYAN! It's like when an open writing job asks for some samples, so you send everything you've ever written. You're trying too hard, man.

Also, "Sports Center" doesn't count as a TV show. 

Bryce

Frankly, I'm not convinced this guy isn't just Bryan but through a Snapchat filter. Everyone on this freaking show is clones. More pressing, however, is the fact that this 30-year-old firefighter once caught a girl's hair on fire in the bedroom during sex. Your job is to put out fires, Bryce, not start them. And don't try to say it was because the fire started because it was so hot. Suuuuuure. It DEFINITELY wasn't awkwardly tripping naked over a pumpkin spice Yankee Candle. 

Dean

I kinda like Dean! Guy sweetly wants to have lunch with his dearly departed mother, has humble origins watching the demolition derby and eating Oreos, likes laughing and mint chocolate chip ice cream – aka THE BEST ICE CREAM – and even has a Triforce tattoo, so he's got a little nerd in him. His answer about marriage is ... concerning.

"What does being married mean to you? I think marriage is an institutionalized sham derived from religious beliefs ... "

Dean, you don't know the premise of this here program, don't you? I also like that if a girl bites him, he has to "stop everything and have a discussion." A discussion about what? *girl bites him* "HAVE I EVER TOLD YOU ORGANIZED RELIGION IS THE OPIATE OF THE PEOPLE!?"

Breaking news: I've learned Dean was the guy who, during that awkward early introduction part of the "The Bachelor" finale, told Rachel he's "ready to go black, and I'm never going to go back." I no longer kinda like Dean.

DeMario

DeMario, buddy, you seem like a good guy. You once bought a person Beyonce/Jay-Z tickets, you're a good big brother and you referenced The Fonz – all strong character traits. But one exclamation point will do the trick. Making NOISE!!! Party like it's 1999!!!! Strawberry cheesecake!!!! Listen, I love Prince and cheesecake too, but settle down. I'm concerned you're going to pop out of the limo and greet Rachel with an airhorn. Also, naming your lion "Denzel the lion" is redundant. 

Still, you seem like a good dude, and I think you could make noise this season – not quite NOISE!!! but at least some noise. 

Diggy

According to Diggy's bio, Diggy does not give a single f*ck. Want to go to the hottest night club in town? Too much red tape for Diggy. One night stand gets a text message saying her brother's gone missing? Play asleep so she's gotta bother somebody else about it! Need someone as your fall guy? DIGGY IS NOT YOUR MAN! Maybe he's got attachment issues as a result of being stranded on a toilet for hours in the fifth grade. Either way, this guy has major potential as this season's Alexis. 

Eric

Eric's bio is well done if a little boring. It's the kind of profile that picks a phone, water and a Book of Proverbs for a deserted island, which is actual smart and also very boring. However, Eric is "Eric from Baltimore," aka the only decent dude from those awkward first four introductions who danced with Rachel for a bit. And I already fell in love him back then so GO ERIC GO!

Fred

Fred might be too polite and good for this show. The guy graduated from two grad school programs at two different universities at the same time. Dude is "an unselfish lover" who doesn't feel satisfied unless his partner is satisfied. He would do anything for love, but he won't do ... nope, scratch that, HE'D DO ANYTHING. He wants to be Ellen DeGeneres for a day. ELLEN! And look at that clean collared shirt and sweater combo. This guy is the most Fred-like Fred in television history. I wish him the best; I fear he may be stomped by assholes. 

Grant

It's about the details in Grant's bio. It's not just that he says his favorite magainze is Playboy; it's the creepy winky-face afterward. It's not that he likes being the center of attention; it's that he likes it while APPEARING to be humble about it – not actually being humble, but kinda seemingly like it. And it's not that he crapped himself in Peru; it's that he had to crap into a two-liter Coke bottle in the back of a bus in Peru. See, the little stuff. 

Iggy

"What are your best three attributes? Passionate, loyal, witty."

Good start, Iggy! 

"What are your worst three attributes? Passionate, loyal, witty."

Uh ... Iggy, you still there?

"If you were stranded on a dessert island, what would it be made of? Banana float … get it??"

Please leave, Iggy.

"Ever have trouble in the bedroom? Or been turned on during the wrong time? We want to hear what happened! I once got a boner during a board meeting. I had to present sitting down."

Security ...

Jack Stone

He's not just Jack. HE'S JACK GOD DAMN STONE! Who skydives in the freaking Alps? JACK STONE! Who's competitive and hard on himself (like rock!). JACK STONE! Who takes his dogs on walks and ... makes tulip metaphors? Jack Stone? Awesome action movie name aside, JACK STONE has a good bio, talking candidly about his mother's battle with cancer while staying private about his love life. Likes decent music. Likes decent books. JACK FLIPPING STONE! *cue Michael Bay explosions*

Jamey

Jamey is a man of few words. What does his ideal mate look a like? A model – period. Describe your best friend of the opposite sex? He has no friends of the opposite sex – period. Plans for the next five years? He doesn't make plans – period. What's his most embarrassing moment? Getting caught masturbating. 

On second thought, Jamey could actually probably stand to be a man of fewer words. 

Jedidiah

God, I hope Jedidiah makes it far into this season of "The Bachelorette" – and not just because LOOK HOW HAPPY HE IS! But this is a guy who builds freaking log cabins and has sex in glaciers, yet finds his greatest happiness in stuff like good socks, hotel rooms, pens and in-room coffee. Jed, were you just looking around your suite while writing this up? Also: His name is Jedidiah. I bet he built that log cabin BY HAND.

Jonathan

Jonathan lists his most embarrassing moment as having a mullet in the fourth grade, but I think history will reflect that the most embarrassing moment of Jonathan's life was listing his occupation "tickle monster." I want exactly no context for that. I want to think tickle monster is a profitable career choice.

Josiah

Hold up: Josiah is a prosecuting attorney, and Rachel is a lawyer? Aw, we could have some adorable "Adam's Rib" love story at the end of this! I approve – even if Josiah once managed to get himself catfished by a pregnant lady. And even if he had sex in his work office (I OBJECT!). That aside, his story about his dad hits the heart, and his motivation – helping those who've made mistakes – to be head state prosecutor is noble. Probably never going to happen now that he's been on America's most popular sleazy dating show, but hey, noble. 

Kenny

"What is a typical Saturday night like for you? Either wrestling in my underwear in front of thousands of people ... "

Oh, OK. That's normal. 

"Occupation: Professional wrestler"

Oh, that actually IS normal. How about that? And how about the back half of that Saturday night question?

"or at home with my daughter."

Awwww, I like you, Kenny. 

Kyle

Kyle comes out hot in his bio, saying that he doesn't trust most people, that he has a "general disdain for perceived corrupt authority" and that he wants to have lunch with Edward Snowden. He also has no idea what gluten is, but always orders gluten-free when he can. I DON'T KNOW WHAT THIS GLUTEN IS, BUT I KNOW I DON'T LIKE IT! There is 25 million percent chance Kyle posted some crazy truther articles on his Facebook.

Lee

There's Alex's weird haircut again! Most concerning, however, is that the three things he'd want on a deserted island are "a hook, the right girl and a fire source." Considering he's a singer/songwriter, I feel like he means a song hook and not a fishing hook – and that being the case, what good is your hook without a guitar? That right girl would not be impressed with your survival instincts. 

Lucas

I mean this in the politest way possible, but Lucas reminds me a bit of the tall Monstar from "Space Jam." His answers kind of remind me of him too, from wanting the cast of the "The View" as one of his three things on a deserted island (and wouldn't that count as more than three?) to another bragging about a threesome on a show about finding one's wife and listing "going to a funeral" as one of his least favorite things to do on a date. Lucas, buddy, that was assumed.

This is all without mentioning that his listed occupation is "Whaboom," which is apparently some king of personal philosophy or a forgotten toy from the '90s – neither of which are occupations!

Matt

Matt went on a Tinder date a few years back, and according to him, it went poorly. "Right away I realized why I wasn't the online dating type," he notes. So apparently he figured going on national television for a reality dating show featuring producers scripting events loosely and 20 other dudes vying for attention seemed like a better option. 

Michael

Man, everybody on this season's favorite actor is Denzel Washington – and fair enough, he's a terrific actor. But where were all you people when "The Magnificent Seven" came out last year!? That movie was a hoot, and it made nowhere near the amount of money at the box office that it should've. A damn shame. 

Anyways, as you could probably tell from this tangent, Michael's bio is pretty boring for a former professional basketball player. All good answers, nothing fun, may not make for good television.

Milton

"What do you hope to get out of participating in this television show? Real answer? Discovered. Everyone tells me I'm made for TV/movies. Doesn't mean I'm out here hoping for that, but I would like to break into writing or acting."

I don't know, guys; I'm starting to think maybe Milton – who also has a tattoo on the INSIDE of his bottom lip – might not be in it for Rachel. 

Mohit

Mohit has only one word for the wildest thing he's done in the bedroom: Tabasco. He also wants to dress up like gluten for Halloween, so I'm getting concerned Mohit doesn't know what food is.

Peter

It's Bucky Barnes, the Winter Soldier! No? Just me thinking that? OK, well, he does have Iron Man tattooed on his ribs – or at least the Ironman competition logo, I think, since he's completed three of those, one on a busted foot. The Madison native also would love to be a football player because "it seems so easy." Peter, I have a movie I'd like you to watch called "Concussion." Think it's gonna really interest you. 

Rob

"What was your college experience like? Good! Lots of travel and exchanges. I did half of my university overseas (China, Taiwan, Peru, Spain.)"

Is Rob woke?

"What are your 3 best attributes? Driven, empathetic, worldly"

Rob would very much like you to know that he's woke.

"If you could have lunch with one person who would it be and why? Buddha. So I could discuss his philosophies on detachment, suffering and divinity."

SO WOKE!

"Do you prefer a woman who wants to be pursued or a woman who purses you, and why? I prefer a woman who pursues me. It shows that she has the focus and the courage to go for something that she wants despite the cultural expectation that the man do the pursuing."

WOKENESS OVERLOAD!

Will

"Meatloaf said he would "do anything for love, but he won't do that." What will you not do? Be someone's second choice."

Hmmmm. HMMMMMM! Foreshadow much, "The Bachelor" official website.